


Not my intention

by pieceofchocolate



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-13
Updated: 2017-09-19
Packaged: 2018-10-18 08:47:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 51,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10613394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pieceofchocolate/pseuds/pieceofchocolate
Summary: Being sixteen is awful - but if you have great friends (and magical powers), it might be bearable. It's the middle of the Marauders' fifth year at Hogwarts, and the friend group is still inseparable - but with a developing war and raging hormones, things are bound to become complicated.





	1. Right now, you're all I got

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shocked but relieved, James finds his friend on his doorstep.

**_December 1975_ **

**_(James)_ **

 

''I don't understand why you would tell me that, mum. I am _always_ nice to her. I might not like her, but I do know how to act like a civilized human being.''

''Good'', said Mrs. Potter while checking on the bread in the oven. ''Use that knowledge.''

''No matter how much I love your sister'', James continued, ''it does not change the fact that her daughter is a complete pain in the a -''

''Language'', Mrs. Potter warned, but James saw in the reflection in the window how she could not help but smile a little. ''Your cousin talks a lot, like yourself. If you find her so horrible that you do not consider a nice family christmas worth having to stand her for one day, you could have stayed at Hogwarts.''

''You know I would never do that to you, mum.'' James jumped up on the kitchen counter. ''You and dad would miss me too much.''

''You did it the past three years.''

''…so it was about time I came home, right?''

''I'm not complaining'', Mrs. Potter said, smiled and waved her wand. A pile of plates passed James head by a centimetre and flew out to the dining room.

No matter how much James loved spending Christmas at Hogwarts, there was something special about being back in his family home for the December holiday. He was not sure if it was the smell of cardemom, the sound of the radio that was playing Christmas songs twenty four hours a day, or maybe even the bickering about cousin Vilda, but everything felt a bit more _real -_ a bit more like Christmas.

In the middle of _Silent Night,_ the door bell rang.

''Please tell me it's not her already! You said they would not be here until tomorrow!'' said James and reached for an apple. His mother gave his hand a gentle slap.

''It's not them, and don't ruin your appetite. Dinner is in half an hour. Get the door, will you?''

''Fine. Just let me starve.''

James jumped down from the counter and went out in the hall to open for the unknown guest.

_''_ _What are you doing here?''_

The boy stumbled in over the treshold. His clothes, soaked from the rain, left a puddle of water on the floor. His eyes were bloodshot, and James could not tell if it was from the rain or from crying.

''What happened, are you okay? You're not hurt or anything, are you?''

He did not get an immediate answer. A million other questions were running through his mind, but he chose to ignore them and pulled his friend in to a hug.

''I'm - I'm sorry'', was the first thing Sirius said. He was cold and wet, but James kept holding him.

''Shut up'', he said. ''Don't say you're sorry.''

He had been constantly worried about his friend since they said their goodbyes three days earlier - he had begged Sirius to come with him or at least stay at Hogwarts, but Sirius had been stubborn as always and told James that he made a promise to Regulus, and that he intended to keep it.

''I'm sorry'', Sirius said again. ''I didn't know where else to go.''

''Shut up'', James repeated. ''I'm just glad you're here.''

He let go of Sirius to step outside, grab his trunk and pull it inside. He closed the door behind him and the intense sound of rain faded. He turned to his friend again, and then he spot the giant purple mark on Sirius' cheek, right below his eye. By the time Sirius noticed that James was looking, it was too late - James had already reached out to get Sirius' hair out of the way and take a closer look.

''I'm going to kill him'', he said bitterly when he saw how swollen it was. ''I'm going to fucking kill him.'' Sirius looked away. ''Padfoot, do you want to tell me what happened?''

Instead of an answer, there were eyes full of tears. James put a comforting hand on his friends' arm and turned his head to the kitchen.

''Mum! Could you make some tea, please?'' He turned to Sirius. ''Let's get you warm and clean, shall we?''

''Tea?'' they heard Mrs. Potter's voice from the kitchen. ''But we haven't even had dinner yet!''

She showed up in the doorpost, and saw the boy in her doorway who looked back at her, scared and soaking wet. ''Oh, dear Lord…''

The woman, beautiful for her age, with the same brown eyes as her son, let go of the the cutlery she was holding and pulled Sirius in to a rib-cracking hug. James could see how Sirius was fighting the tears - Sirius, who always had to be the strong one, Sirius, who always had to be a champion.

''It's okay to cry, mate'', he said and put a friendly hand on Sirius back. ''We won't tell.''

He could feel that Sirius was now shaking. Mrs. Potter, shorter than the boy, held him closer.

''You won't have to go back there again, Sirius'', she said calmly. ''I promise. You're safe here.''

James heard Sirius let out an involuntary sob.

''Th - thank you. Thank you.''

''James'', said Mrs. Potter. ''Prepare a bath and find some clean towels for your friend, will you?''

James nodded and disappeared up the stairs. He could still hear the voices from the hall.

''Mrs. Potter, I… I don't know what to… I'm so grateful.''

''Take a bath and put on some dry clothes. James will bring up some ice for you to put on that horrible blackeye.''

''Thank you, I…''

''Up you go'', she said. ''And you can call me Mia.''

When James came back after getting an ice pack and a cup of tea, Sirius was sitting on a chair in the bathroom, his hand playing with the warm water. He was wearing a white t-shirt, and James immediately saw the huge blood stains on his shoulder. After a quick decision to stay calm, he put the tea down and wrapped a towel around the ice pack.

''Here'', he said, forcing himself not to ask about the shoulder. ''Hold it to your cheek. And take your shirt off.''

''Prongs, I'm flattered, but I don't like you that way.''

''Not the time for jokes, Sirius. Let me take a look at it.'' He sat down at the edge of the bathtub as Sirius clumsily pulled the t-shirt off. James' stomach twinged as the wound was revealed.

''It's bad'', said James, trying to keep his face and voice calm, ''there are pieces of shattered glass. Does it hurt?''

''Nah'', said Sirius, and James ignored the lie. ''You don't have to do anything about it.''

''It's gonna get infected'', James insisted while he was looking for the right tools in the bathroom drawer. ''Just shut up. Or do you want me to ask mum? She'll ask questions.''

Sirius shook his head.

''I thought so'', said James. ''Sit still.''

With stable hands, he used a tweezer to pull out the small fragments of glass. Sirius stayed quiet, but James could see the muscles in his face twitching as he touched it.

''Are you sure it's okay that I just showed up?'' Sirius mumbled after a while. ''I mean, just before Christmas and everything.''

''Of course'', said James. ''We've told you a thousand times, the doors are always open for you here. And you heard mum. You won't have to go back there.''

''My mother wouldn't even let me in if I came back'', said Sirius bitterly, clenching his fist as James reached a sore point with the tweezer.

''You don't need her'', said James. ''I'll be your mother, goddammit!''

Sirius laughed. ''To be honest, Prongs, right now, you're all I got.''

''And hopefully, I will succeed in being all you need.'' Sirius let out a painful whimper. ''Sorry, did I hurt you?''

''It's fine'', said Sirius. He made a stupid attempt to take a look at the back of his own shoulder. ''Is it bad?''

''Well, it may look gross, but at least it's not very deep.'' James put some of the potion he had found on a clean tissue. ''This might sting a little.''

Sirius closed his eyes and bit his lip hard when James pressed the potion drenched tissue to the wound, but he did not let a single sound escape his lips.

''Done'', said James. He put the potion back and gently cleaned the tweezer. ''It's gonna be fine.''

''Thanks, mate'', said Sirius.

''Bathtub is full'', said James and put a gauze bandage roll on top of the cabinet. ''Wrap the wound with this when you're dry. Come down for dinner when you're ready, all right?''

Sirius nodded and smiled. James closed the door behind him and went down to the kitchen again.

''Is he hurt?'' said Mrs. Potter immediately while stirring her stew. ''I didn't want to attack him with too many questions as soon as he got in through the door, but I'm worried about him. Is he hurt?''

''A little'', said James. ''I took care of it.''

''Did he run away or did he get kicked out?''

''I don't know. He didn't seem ready to talk about it yet.''

''Oh, poor thing. I'm glad he showed up. I hate it when he's there.''

''Me too.''

James set the table and went up with Sirius' trunk to one of the guest rooms. The walls were plain and white - Mrs. Potter had always planned to make the room a little more homely, but other things had always come first. James made the bed with clean sheets and ran to get some of the Gryffindor flags and pictures of their friend group from his own room. He decorated the walls with them and put some pens from his dad's study into a mug and placed it on the desk. After he was done, the old guest room looked like a place where someone actually lived.

He went down again for dinner, said hello to his dad who was back from work, and after ten minutes, Sirius showed up in the dining hall. He was still pale and his cheek was still purple, but it was not as swollen as earlier, and his previously soaked, messy hair looked neat and tidy.

''Sirius!'' said Mr. Potter. ''It's great to see you, son, welcome! Sit down, eat something. The food is still warm, I think.''

Sirius lit up when he was greeted in this heartily way. He sat down at the table, not quite looking like he felt he belonged there, even though he had spent weeks with the Potters in years past.

''It's nice to see you too, Mr. Potter'', he smiled. ''The food looks amazing.''

''Call me Fleamont, boy, you're a part of the family'', said Mr. Potter and smiled back.

''You look like you haven't eaten in days'', said James, and his stomach twinged again when he realized he might be right. He loaded Sirius' plate with food and quickly changed the subject. ''We were just talking about dad's issues at work today.''

''This little kid was upset because his mother was too ill to come home for Christmas'', Mr. Potter told Sirius. ''Refused to move when the nurse tried to do her daily routine check-up with the patient. Wouldn't stop screaming. Poor Susanne almost had a nervous breakdown. I took the kid aside and tried to talk to him calmly.''

''And then what?''

''He calmed down and really seemed to listen!'' Mr. Potter continued.

''That's great, then, is it not?'' said Mrs. Potter.

''Until he threw a dungbomb in my face and ran away.''

James almost choked on his food. _''This kid is my idol!''_

''James, it's not funny!'' said Mrs. Potter while fighting her own laughter.

''It's fine. Once I had gotten the smell off me - and may I tell you, it took a couple of hours - everyone just felt sorry for me.''

''I'm sorry to tell you, dad, but I can still smell it.''

''It's not possible'', said Mr. Potter desperately, ''I showered for hours and put on brand new clothes.''

''James is right, dear'', said Mrs. Potter while involuntarily wrinkling her nose.

Sirius laughed and his eyes met James' across the table. James smiled back, promising himself that no one would ever hurt his best friend with impunity again as long as he was alive.

After dinner and hours of conversation, Mrs. Potter insisted that Sirius should go upstairs and make himself at home while the rest of the family cleaned up the dishes.

''Mum, can I sleep in the guest room? I really don't want him to feel lonely. Not tonight.''

''Of course'', said Mrs. Potter. ''But don't get used to it - you two will just stay up talking all night.''

''We live in the same room all year 'round, remember?''

''Yes, and I do get weekly reports from Minerva McGonagall about your nightly adventures.''

''Anyway'', said James, suddenly eager to change the subject. ''Where is the extra bed?''

''Under the bed in the guest room'', said Mrs. Potter. ''I'll help you. You were right, you should sleep there - I remember he told me he gets nightmares after the holidays at home.''

''Poor kid'', said Mr. Potter while lighting a cigarette. ''I adore that boy. Good thing he finally got away from them - I met Orion at the hospital a couple of weeks ago. Horrible man. I pity his liver.''

''I pity his family'', said James.

''Hospital workers are not allowed to talk about their patients'', Mrs. Potter reminded her husband.

''What are we going to do?'' said Mr. Potter, ignoring her. ''With the boy?''

''Sirius is going to stay here'', said Mrs. Potter. ''With us.''

''As much as I approve, we can't do that, Euphemia'', said Mr. Potter. ''It doesn't work like that. There are rules about these things.''

''Sirius _wants_ to stay, dad'', said James.

''It's not up to him to decide, and neither is it up to us. no matter how welcome he is here'', said Mr. Potter bitterly. ''Sirius is not seventeen yet.''

''As awful as it is, I don't think his parents would come looking for him'', James said. ''I really don't.''

''And if they do, then we report those monsters for child abuse and adopt him'', said Mrs. Potter sharply.

That settled it. There was no more discussion of the matter - Sirius Black was, and remained, a part of the Potter family.

James woke up that night, hearing panicked mumbles from the bed next to his. He soon realized that Sirius was talking in his sleep - his face was buried in his pillow, but James reached out to grab his hand. The mumbling soon turned into muffled sobs as the boy woke up, but James did not say anything. He stayed awake, holding his friend's hand, until he was sure that the boy had fallen back to sleep.


	2. Yet, you love me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius celebrates Christmas with the Potters, overjoyed to have a new, loving family. But when school starts again, it does not take long until his black past haunts him.

**_December 1975 - January 1976_ **

**_(Sirius)_ **

 

When Sirius woke up the next morning, the sun was already shining in through the window. The bed next to his was empty, and Sirius heard the sound of running water in the bathroom at the other side of the wall. He remembered that it was Christmas Day, and suddenly felt guilty for being there. This was a family holiday, and he did not belong here.

''Sirius?'' he heard a quiet voice from outside the door. ''Sirius, are you awake?''

''Yes'', he said. ''Come in.''

The door opened and Mr. Potter stepped in.

''Merry Christmas'', he said with a smile, ''I brought up some coffee for you. There is toast downstairs when you feel hungry.''

''Did I sleep past breakfast?'' said Sirius, confused, since he was usually the first one up in the mornings.

''It's eleven o'clock. We thought we should let you sleep, there's no rush'', said Mr. Potter. ''I brought _The Daily Prophet_ for you. Guests are coming at one, lunch is at two. Did you sleep well?''

Sirius nodded, his chest warm. ''I did. Thank you. For the coffee. And everything.''

It was a wonderful Christmas. The notorious cousin Vilda was almost as annoying and loud as James had described her – but James managed to stay calm for the sake of Mrs Potter's poor nerves. The food was delicious and the atmosphere was lovely – there was a fuzzy warmth lingering around the table that Sirius had only experienced at one other place - Hogwarts.

James had already sent his present (a giftbox with useful and hilarious potions) with an owl to Grimmauld Place before Sirius had showed up, and it had not come back yet – but another owl had shown up earlier the same day, addressed to Sirius and James.

''That one came with a really worried letter'', said James and nodded towards the dark red box that Sirius was holding. ''I would write him a few lines, if I were you.''

Sirius turned the present and spotted Remus' handwriting on the label. ''How did he know I was here?''

''I told him'', said James. ''And Peter, too, but his answer is not back yet. It's a bit longer for the poor owl to fly.''

''What did you tell him?''

''Not much, I sent it last night. In his last letter, he said he had written to you and the owl returned, so he was worried that, you know...'' James paused. ''…that something had happened at Grimmauld Place. I just wrote that you had just showed up and I would talk to him when I knew more. And, you know Moony.''

''What did he answer?''

''Just a million of questions. Nothing important.''

''He worries too much'', said Sirius and carefully looked at the present in his hands.

''He does that'', said James. ''Besides, he has every reason to. Open it.''

Sirius carefully unwrapped the gift, and it took him a couple of seconds before he realized what Remus had sent him. He turned the book in his hands. A small note fell out. It only contained one word, and he laughed as he read it.

_Sorry…_

''What is it?'' said James.

''You know how I said I hate reading and Remus made me read that muggle book by Steinbeck something and then he forced me to admit that I liked it? And then he made me read another book by a Hemingday something, and he forced me to admit that I liked that, too?''

''Yes. And then you had to admit that maybe reading wasn't so bad.''

''He said he had one last book to torture me with. His favourite.'' Sirius handed over the book.

 _''The picture of Dorian Gray''_ , said James as he read the cover _._ I remember this. He obsessed over it for weeks the first time he read it.''

''Sending me torture for Christmas'', said Sirius and let out a fake sigh while admiring the gold embroidered cover of the book. ''He's horrible.''

''What can we do?'' said James and smiled. ''We're stuck with him.''

''What did he get you?''

 _''Quidditch through the ages'',_ said James and handed it over. ''It's this new book. I saw it when I went with Remus to the Hogsmeade bookstore. Beautiful, isn't it?''

''Look at him. Trying to turn is in to intellectuals.''

''He would never. He knows we are already brilliant.''

''I think you both have something to learn from that boy'', said Mr. Potter and smiled.

''Sirius, we thought we would not meet you until you both were going back to Hogwarts, so we planned on giving it to you at the train station, but this is even better'', said Mrs. Potter and handed over a small box to Sirius. ''Open it!''

The box contained a classic watch with a white and silver clock-face, and a marine blue wristband.

''It's beautiful'', said Sirius breathlessly. ''You shouldn't have – ''

''It was my brother's'', said Mr. Potter. ''And before him, it was our uncles. I'd like it to stay in the family.''

''But –'' said Sirius and looked at James, who waved his wrist which was already adorned by the brown and white watch that had belonged to his grandfather.

''Family? Didn't he move in, like, yesterday?'' said cousin Vilda. Sirius was still staring at the watch, somewhat unable to answer her, but James glared at her.

''He did. Finally'', said Mrs. Potter, and Sirius silently admired her for her ability to put an end to any conversation she did not like.

''Thank you'', Sirius said. ''T – thank you…''

''Try it on'', said Mrs. Potter. Sirius carefully took out the watch from the black box and put it around his wrist; it fit perfectly.

''And now'', said James and held up the two watches next to each other. ''Two generations later, the watches are back with two brothers.''

Sirius felt a lump of tears in his throat, and felt unable to utter a word.

''Did you know that every year since James was around three or four, his wishlist always contained the same thing?'' said Mr. Potter. ''Every year, and always at the top of the list: _'a brother'.''_

''But then, he came home for Christmas after his first six months at Hogwarts, and the wish for a brother was replaced by a large box of dungbombs.''

''Said he didn't need a brother anymore.'' Mr. Potter smiled. ''He already had one.''

''You cheesy git'', said Sirius to James without looking up.

''And yet, you love me.''

The rest of the Christmas break went by a lot faster than Sirius had expected. Mrs. Potter put in a lot of effort to turning the guest room in to Sirius' room, and a couple of weeks after his arrival, the walls had gone from white to red and the pictures that James had put there had been set in to frames and accompanied by many more. When Sirius came in and saw everything, he mainly felt anxiety and guilt – but Mrs. Potter said firmly that if he was going to live with them, he was going to be a part of the family, and as the mother of that family, she considered it her duty to make sure that everyone had a lovely place to call their own. She made it so cozy and nice that Sirius was almost reluctant to go back to Hogwarts – but he felt better than he had felt in years, knowing that he would have a loving _home_ to come back to in the summer.

Sirius and James said goodbye to Mr. and Mrs. Potter at Platform 9 ¾ a few minutes before the train's departure, hoping to find their friends first, but Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew were nowhere to be found outside. Neither were they in the compartment that was the Marauders' personal space by now.

''Maybe Moony is in the prefects' compartment'', said Sirius.

''What about Peter?''

''Maybe he's running around as a rat again. You know how obsessed he is with his new powers.''

''Can you blame him? A rat, or even a dog, is so much more useful than being a _stag._ ''

Once they got to Hogwarts, they were both worried about the absence of their friends.

''Well, since they're both gone, we can at least assume that they are together.''

''Or Peter got lost and Remus had a seizure'', James speculated.

''And the odds of those two things happening at once?''

''Peter gets lost a lot. And many people get seizures at some point in their lives. It's not impossible.''

''Stop talking, Potter.''

The mystery was not solved until they reached their dormitory.

_''How did you get here before us?''_

''It was easy'', said Remus and closed his book. ''Especially since I took the train two days ago. Peter came back yesterday.''

''You can do that?'' said James, confused.

''Don't tell me you didn't know.''

''Thanks for telling us'', said Sirius, put his bag down and started unbuttoning his jacket. ''James thought you were having a seizure and that Peter was being a rat.''

''Okay, so I was wrong!'' said James. ''Where is Peter, anyway?''

''Taking a nap. As a rat'', said Remus and nodded towards Peter's bed. ''He says he likes being tiny when he sleeps.''

''Half right!'' said James with triumph.

''I'm hungry'', said Sirius. ''Did you have dinner already?''

''No, we were waiting for you.'' Remus got up. ''Sirius, is everything all right with you?''

He did not ask the way he would ask James how his holidays had been, not in a _''Hi, how are things?''-_ way, he asked in the _''Tell me the truth or I will stare into your soul''-_ way that Sirius found somewhat terrifying.

Sirius looked away. ''Everything is fine, how was your Christmas?''

''Padfoot'', said Remus carefully, ''what happened? Or do you not wanna talk about it?''

''Nothing to talk about'', said Sirius lightly. ''Wake Wormtail up, will you? I'm starving. I'll be right back. Need to clean up a bit.''

He disappeared in to the bathroom and washed his face with cold water while listening to the voices that thought he could not hear them.

''It's not you, Moony. I promise.''

''I hope so… How's he been?''

''It took him a few days to adjust, but now he just seems relieved.''

''Was he hurt? Physically?''

''No more than usual. Wound from a glass bottle. A blackeye. It's fixed.''

''What should we do?''

''You know Sirius. He will act like nothing and then it will all burst. I think that we can just be there for him when it happens and until then, act normal.''

''God, I hate this.''

''Me too. How do you wake a rat up? Pull its tail? Wormtail, wake up. Wormtail!''

When they had gotten Peter out of bed, they made their way to the Great Hall where a lovely dinner was waiting. Sirius enjoyed being back at Hogwarts, he enjoyed the company of his friends and he enjoyed the fantastic food, but most of all, he enjoyed the fact that he had come from one happy place to another – with no feelings of running away from his problems or fearing the day he would have to return back home.

''And I didn't say anything, because, you know, mum asked me to stay nice'', said James who was in the middle of his annual rant about his cousin. ''But _Merlin_ I dreamt about strangling her after that.''

''I'm so jealous that Sirius got to meet her'', said Peter. ''The famous Vilda.''

''You should pity him instead'', said James. ''Sometimes I just wonder how she has lived for eighteen years and still no one stuffed her mouth with a really large pillow.''

''That's murder, Prongs'', Remus pointed out. ''Which is, in most cultures, considered wrong.''

''Shut up, Moony, I know that. I do have morals'', said James and noticed his friend across the table. ''Pads, what's wrong?''

Sirius ignored James' question and bent a little to the right in order to get a better view of something behind his friend's back.

''What's going on?'' said Peter, who was sitting next to James.

''It's Regulus'', said Remus, who had the same view as Sirius. When Regulus and his friends got up from the table, a terrified expression spread across Remus' and Sirius' faces, but before James had the time to ask what caused it, Sirius had gotten up and ran towards the Slytherin table.

 _''I'm going to fucking kill him!''_ Sirius screamed. ''What did he do?''

 _''Idiot!''_ his brother hissed. ''Stop yelling, people are looking.''

He made an attempt to leave the hall, but Sirius pushed him back.

''Fine'', Sirius said with a lower voice. ''What happened? Why did he hurt you?''

''What do you care?'' said Regulus. ''Would you let me leave, please? You're embarrassing me. And yourself, but I suppose you stopped caring about that a long time ago.''

''Reg, don't be a prat, let me help you.''

Then things went very quickly. Before Sirius had realized what happened, he was on the floor, and he saw stars, his face hurt and suddenly James was in front of him while trembling arms were helping him up.

 _''Careful, Black!''_ he heard James yell and Regulus backed as the black-haired boy approached him. ''If you _touch_ him again…''

''You're gonna what?'' said Regulus. ''What are you gonna do, Potter?''

''Bad idea'', said Remus' voice in Sirius' ear. ''What are they doing? _Here_ of all places? Sirius, can you hear me? You look dizzy.''

Sirius nodded and shook his head in an attempt to make the stars disappear. He was not fully aware of what was happening but suddenly, Remus had left his side and went forward to stop the ongoing scene.

_''James! James, you can't –''_

Sirius gained his senses back soon enough to see Remus push James out of the Great Hall, with Regulus coming after them and a terrified Peter a few steps behind. He looked around. A few heads had turned from the Gryffindor and Slytherin tables, but most people had not noticed.

With a cheek and nose still aching, he stumbled out of the Great Hall after his friends.

''Don't'', he growled as he saw the younger version of himself standing with his wand pointed at James. ''You're mad at me, not them.''

Regulus did not change his position, but he looked up. Sirius walked up to him in a quick pace, and as soon as he could reach, pushed him – Regulus stumbled, but did not fall.

''Do it again, I dare you,'' Sirius incited. ''What are you hitting your old brother for?''

''Nothing'', said Regulus and looked away. ''Leave me alone.''

''Sirius, stop it, you're bleeding'', said Remus, but Sirius pushed his brother again.

''What, Regulus? Tell me why you're so mad, please. Is it because of mum and dad? Did you tell them the truth about what happened that night? Did they beat you up?''

''Sirius, I'm –''

''Did you tell them that the reason they hit me is because I protected your stupid ass? Or did you forget that as well while taking their side?''

''You don't get it!'' Regulus voice had reached an incredibly high pitch. ''They would have killed me!''

''You're right'', said Sirius, ''getting hit by a glass bottle would have been pretty damn painful. I'm so glad you got out of that one.''

''They don't expect things like this from me'', said Regulus.

''Correct once again'', said Sirius. ''Might as well put it on the white sheep in the Black family.''

''Sirius, I'm sorry!''

''You're sorry, so you _punch_ me?''

''You kept asking about my black-eye!''

''So you wanted to make sure I got one, as well?''

''I hate when people act like they care'', said Regulus. ''Because they never do. If you cared, you wouldn't have left.''

The sound of a slap – but this time, it was Sirius' hand hitting Regulus' face.

''That's it'', said James, and he and Remus went up to remove Sirius from the situation.

 _''How dare you!''_ Sirius screamed. _''How fucking dare you? How can you stand there and say that I don't care?''_

''Come on, Padfoot, let's go'', said James.

''He's not worth it'', said Remus. ''Let it be.''

Sirius ignored them. _''How can you say that when I stayed for you? How can you tell me that, when I kept coming back every damn summer, and even during Christmas, for God's sake, instead of going to a loving family that cared about me, because YOU asked me to? How can you say I don't care about you, when the final reason I had to leave was because I told them it was my letter?''_

''Let's go'', said James again, grabbing Sirius' left arm.

_''I would have asked you to come with me if I had run away – years ago!''_

_''Take me with you now then!''_

''I don't need you with me! I don't want you with me! I left, I have a new family, a better family, a real family, and you are all nothing but a bunch of mentally unstable Voldemort-loving alcoholics, scared of everything that is different, and you yourself are just like the whole lot of them.''

 _''Don't say that!''_ Regulus cried. ''They're your family! _I'm_ your family!''

''Sirius, we're leaving!'' said Remus.

 _''YOU'RE NOT MY FAMILY! THEY ARE MY FAMILY!''_ Sirius loosened himself from James' grip and pointed at his friends. And finally, Regulus went silent for a while.

''They don't know anything about you'', he then said, stepping forward. ''And when they find out who you really are, you're gonna be on your own. And you're gonna be –''

'' - happier than I ever was as your brother'', Sirius interrupted him, but his voice was not as stable now – he could hear that it was breaking as he spoke and he hoped the others would not notice. ''Now, Regulus, piss off, will you?''

Regulus stared at him for a couple of seconds while weighing his options. Then he let his eyes wander to the rest of the Marauders.

''You heard him'', said James with a ice cold voice, and Regulus threw one last look at Sirius before storming away down the corridor.


	3. Not like them

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily meant well. But Remus is struggling. And James might be more bothered by the new friendship than Remus had noticed.

**_January, 1975_ **

**_(Remus)_ **

 

No matter how much Remus Lupin loved his friends, he valued the moments when they just assumed that he was studying. It gave him the opportunity to disappear for a couple of hours, completely able to ignore everything that caused chaos to his thoughts.

He enjoyed taking his time to find a comfortable place to sit and curled up in a huge armchair where he brought up his notebook and pen. The peace did not last very long – only a few minutes later, someone sat down in the chair next to his. He looked up to see Lily Evans heave her bag on the table and smile at him.

''Remus'', she said. ''Am I interrupting?''

''Not at all'', he answered and smiled back. ''Just… doing some… yeah.'' He closed his notebook and let it fall back in to his school bag.

''I see'', said Lily. ''How are things? How was your Christmas?''

''Just fine. Yours?''

''Great. I went skiing in Norway with my parents.''

''Cold?''

''Freezing. But wonderful.'' Lily threw a glance at the notebook that was still visible from Remus' bag. ''What are you working on? Is it a new story?''

 _''Schh!''_ hissed Remus, throwing glances around him to make sure no one had heard what Lily said. ''You promised you wouldn't tell!''

''No one is here'', she said, and sighed at Remus' paranoia. ''I won't tell anyone. But I don't know why you're so worried about it. Why is it so bad if people find out you write for fun? I do it too.''

''You don't get it'', said Remus, as he usually did when he did not feel like explaining himself.

''With you, it seems I never do'', said Lily. ''Would you let me read something, at least? We're friends!''

''We are friends, but no. It's not that good, anyway.''

''All good writers say that.''

''The shitty ones, too. It's just… personal. You write yourself. You should know what I'm talking about.''

''I guess.'' She shrugged and changed the subject: ''Your little gang caused kind of a scene yesterday in the Great hall.''

''Oh?'' said Remus, perfectly aware of what she was talking about, but highly unwilling to discuss it with her. He pulled a book out of his schoolbag and started browsing through the pages.

''Potter, Black and mini-Black. Not surprised by the first two.''

''You know what they say about chaotic boys'', said Remus, trying to direct his attention to the book he was holding. It was about potions - in other words, difficult enough already without having Lily next to him, trying to suck some details out of him.

''What?''

''That they're… you know, chaotic.''

Lily stared at him until he felt forced to look up and meet her eyes. ''I guess. What was going on? What happened?''

''Oh, nothing'', said Remus and shrugged. ''Brothers fight.''

''Regulus had a black-eye.''

''Did he?''

''Stop acting dumb, Lupin.''

''What do you want me to tell you?'' said Remus, a bit nervous about the direction in which the conversation was heading.

''Are their parents abusing them?'' Lily continued stubbornly. ''The thought crossed my mind before. I've seen Black - always coming back after summer with marks and injuries. Always looking like he has not slept for weeks. And I heard him yesterday. He told Regulus that he was going to kill someone.''

''Sirius often claims he is going to kill someone'', sighed Remus. ''And then he usually cuts his finger on a paper or something and cries.''

''Is he all right?''

''It was only a paper cut, Lily.''

''Shut up. You know what I meant.''

''Sirius doesn't even live there anymore. He moved in with the Potters.''

''Did the Blacks kick him out? I know they disliked him, because he's in Gryffindor and everything, but…''

''Lily, I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable talking about Sirius' private business behind his back. Just… ask him yourself. The boy sure talks a lot. He'd probably be more than happy to answer.''

''Fine'', she said. ''I didn't mean to be snoopy.''

''You mean well. Want to keep me company?''

''I'd love to. I was thinking about doing some writing myself.''

She opened her bag and pulled out a notebook much like the one Remus had just hidden from her. He wondered what she was writing, but after he declared his unwillingness to ever share his own, he stayed quiet. Her pen started moving quickly over the paper. Slowly but surely, he opened his own notebook, returning to the story he had been so caught up in, throwing glances every couple of seconds to make sure she was not looking.

He soon realized that the Evans girl had no hidden intentions, and he started to enjoy the silent company. Eventually, the library closed, and they walked together back to the common room.

''I like Slughorn'', said Lily defensively when Remus told her about the horrible comment that came with his D in Potions. ''He might be loud, and you know, _Slytherin_ and stuff, but I like him.''

''You're his favorite'', said Remus and rolled his eyes. ''He can't wait until you graduate so he can put you on his famous shelf.''

Lily laughed and the discussion continued until they reached the corridor with the portrait of the Fat Lady.

''You know what'', said Lily. ''I'm really glad Dumbledore picked us two as prefects. I really got to know you better.''

Remus, suddenly warm after these words of appreciation, smiled at her.

''Me too, Lily.''

''You're really bright. And kind and stuff. I always knew you weren't like them.''

The warmth was replaced by coldness in a second. He wanted to say something, he wanted to defend his friends, but he did not find the ability to utter a word.

''You don't know them'', he said after a few moments.

''I know I don't'', said Lily. ''But I know enough. And I just have to say… nah, I don't know. You're just better than them. _Plum tree._ ''

The portrait of the Fat Lady and the hole to the Gryffindor common room opened.

''That's not true'', said Remus, who was experiencing a weird mixture of feelings. He did not like the way Lily talked about his friends – especially since he knew that she was wrong. He knew that he did not possess half of James' brains or a third of Sirius' looks. Neither was he as understanding as Peter or as brave as any of them. He knew that he was lucky to have them as friends – he knew that he was lucky to have friends at all. At the same time, Lilys words made him feel validated in a way that he experienced as exciting in an almost forbidden way.

''I don't know what you see in them, to be honest. You can do better.''

''They're my friends!'' The guilt had taken over. ''You don't know what you're talking about! You don't know what they've done for me!''

''Maybe I don't'', said Lily and shrugged. She climbed in through the portrait hole. ''My point was, you're not like them.''

_If she only knew how much I wish I were._

''Be careful with how you pick your friends, Remus. That's all.''

_If she only knew that for me, there was never a choice._

He shook his head and climbed in after her, feeling guilty about the thought that had crossed his mind. It would not matter if there had been a choice – in every world, in every time, out of all people, he would have picked the Marauders.

''They're great'', Remus mumbled.

''Oh, come on'', said Lily. ''I just don't like the way they treat people who they consider as below them. I know you don't like it either.''

''They don't look down at others.''

''That is a lie.''

''I always tell them when they go too far.''

''But do they listen to you?''

Remus turned away from her, not sure what to do or how to act. A few heads had turned in the common room, and Lily lowered her voice as she walked after Remus and put her hand on his arm.

''Remus, I'm sorry. I know you love your friends.''

''And I know they cross the line sometimes. And I don't like it, but they'll grow out of it, all right?''

''Right'', said Lily, not looking entirely convinced. ''And I'm sorry if I upset you. Are we okay?''

''Of course'', said Remus lightly, trying to gather his mind. ''And I'm glad we're friends, too. You're really great, Lily, you are. Just… give the others a chance.''

Lily rolled her eyes. ''Fine.'' She smiled. ''Goodnight, Lupin.''

''Goodnight, Evans.''

Their paths separated and with heavy steps he walked up the stairs to his dormitory. For only a couple of seconds, he let her words sink in – _''You're not like them. You can do better.''_ The idea felt almost bizarre, but for a moment, he allowed himself to enjoy it. He was not too weak, too awkward, too much of a coward to be their friend. He could actually do _better._

And then he opened his door and faced a scene in which Sirius was struggling to breathe while laughing at James, who was holding a rat upside down in its tail.

''Poor Wormtail'', said James when he saw Remus enter the room. ''We think he got stuck again. He can't change back.''

''Maybe you're not making it any easier by letting him dangle upside down'', said Remus, smiled and put his bag down. He looked at his friends and felt the warmth and appreciation hit him as a wave, and he cursed himself for the thoughts he had let himself think. These people were his everything, and even if he had done nothing to deserve them, they saw the good in him, and he knew that was something to be eternally grateful for.

James tried a couple of spells to make Peter turn back to human again, but nothing seemed to work. The rat refused to stay still in his hand. Remus sat down next to Sirius, watched the ongoing scene, and decided to let James experiment as long as he was not a danger to himself or Peter.

''Where were you?'' said Sirius without taking his eyes off the rat.

''Me?''

''Who else would I be talking to?''

''Sorry. Library. With Lily.''

The rat shrieked as it was dropped and fell to the floor, but it managed to land on its feet.

''What?'' said James. ''What were you two doing?''

Remus, somewhat terrified by James' reaction, stared at him. ''We were studying.''

James looked at him for a few seconds. Then he looked back at Peter, who was giving him the angriest face possible for a rat.

''James?'' said Remus tentatively. ''We were studying.''

''You told me.''

''You didn't answer.''

''What am I supposed to say?'' asked James.

''You're the one who asked him'', Sirius pointed out and James glared at him as if he had just been betrayed. ''What did you think he was gonna answer, anyway? That he was snogging Evans in the library's restricted section?''

James did not answer.

''Are you mad at me?'' Remus asked him, anxiously.

''He's not mad at you'', said Sirius. ''He's jealous because Evans communicates with you in other ways than glaring.''

''I can speak for myself, thank you'', said James. ''Of course I am not mad at you, Moony. It's just… you know.''

''I don't fancy Lily'', said Remus.

''Not what I'm worried about.''

''Then what?''

James did not answer.

''Can I take this one?'' Sirius asked.

''Go ahead'', James grunted.

''He's worried that _she_ might fancy _you_ '', said Sirius and turned to Remus.

''That doesn't even make sense'', said Remus.

''You _have_ spent an awful lot of time with her lately'', Sirius pointed out.

''Prefect duties!'' Remus defended himself. ''She doesn't have a choice!''

''You were studying with her just now'', said Sirius.

Remus sighed. ''We're friends.''

''Evans always liked you'', said James.

''But not in _that_ way.''

''We don't know that'', said Sirius, unaffected.

''You're not helping, Padfoot'', said Remus.

''You don't have to defend yourself, mate'', said James. ''You haven't done anything. It's just… you know. The girl really doesn't like me. And then you're there, and, you know. Everything I'm not.''

Remus rolled his eyes.

''Exactly what qualities do you think a girl is looking for, James? Someone in sync with her monthly cycle?''

Sirius laughed. James was not amused.

''You're taller than I am'', said James. ''And way brighter.''

It was Remus' turn to laugh.

''I'm not brighter, I _study_ and therefore I get higher marks'', he said. ''Besides, I don't have your talent, charisma or looks. Height? I'll give you that one. Doesn't help if it means you're a walking stick. With scars.''

''Don't say that'', said James. ''You would get lots of girls if you only dared to talk to them.''

''Stop'', said Remus, flushing as the subject was brought up. ''We both know that isn't true and I don't want to hear it.''

''Remus…'' said James.

''Stop it'', Remus repeated, stood up and walked over to his bed. ''I know you always mean well, trying to make me feel better, but you're not helping. I know who I am. I know what I look like.''

''Moony!'' James stood up too and walked after him.

''Not helping'', said Remus again. ''And I don't want you to plant any ideas in my head, because let's face it, who could ever fancy a monster?''

''Enough.'' It was Sirius who was talking now, and his voice had a sharp determination that almost shocked the others. Still sitting on the floor, he had pulled out a cigarette of his pocket and lit it with his wand. A few seconds of silence went by, but he seemed unbothered.

''I need to take a shower'', James mumbled. ''This whole thing was stupid. I'm sorry.''

''Just talk to me if it's bothering you, okay?'' said Remus. James nodded, grabbed his towel and disappeared in to the bathroom. The silence returned to the room, and Remus tried to focus on breathing while unpacking his school bag. He could only feel the smell of smoke, but he was used to it by now.

''I hate it when you talk like that'', said a voice from the floor. Remus could not see Sirius, but he did not have to.

''Like what?''

''Like you did. About yourself.''

Remus flushed again. Nothing made him as uncomfortable than discussing his insecurities, and he deeply regretted mentioning them.

''We don't have to talk about it'', said Sirius, as if he had read Remus' mind. ''Just know that you're wrong.''

''Thanks, I guess.''

''Where did the rat go? _OUCH,_ fuck off, Pettigrew, you didn't have to bite me, you could have just announced your location. Stop making that noise, I don't know how to... _ARGH! BITE ME ONE MORE TIME AND I SWEAR TO MERLIN…_ God, Remus, help him, do something, please.''

Remus, happy that the topic had changed, kneeled next to Sirius and took the rat he handed him. He put it down on the floor, casted the correct spell, and Peter immediately turned back to normal.

''Glad to know I can count on you, lads'', he said with an upset voice. ''That you won't just get caught up in your drama and forget about me. That would be awful.''

''We didn't forget you, Pete'', said Sirius calmly and took a drag of his cigarette. ''We prioritized.''

''I hope it was worth it.''

''It was.''

''Bugger off, Black.''

''James will be okay, right?'' said Remus with a worried look towards the door to the bathroom.

''Don't worry about it'', said Sirius. ''He's always like this when it comes to Evans.''

''If anything I think my friendship with Lily can help'', said Remus. ''I can put in a word for him.''

''If you say so. But if you and Lily become, like, a thing…''

''Don't even go there. I would never do that to James. And Lily would never do that to herself.''

''Remus!''

''Sorry.'' He found his pajamas, crawled into bed and closed his curtains. ''I'm tired. Good night, lads.''

''Good night, Moons.''


	4. Been there, done that

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After an incident during full moon, the Marauders are struggling with the consequences.

 

**_January, 1976_ **

**** **_(Sirius)_ **

 

’’Don’t tell him’’, said James through gritted teeth. ’’Don’t.’’

He failed to keep his voice stable.

They had just come back to their dormitory. James arm was shaking as he pulled up his sleeve and revealed the wound. The door closed and they heard a loud squeek, and suddenly, Peter was standing next to them. 

’’There are traces of blood all the way back from the shack’’, he said anxiously. ’’I hope Pomfrey doesn’t notice.’’

’’I hope _Remus_ doesn’t notice’’, said Sirius.

’’Is it bad?’’ said Peter. He took one look at James’ arm and was forced to sit down in order not to faint.

’’Don’t tell him’’, James repeated.

’’Take off your shirt’’, said Sirius.

James did as he said, and Sirius kept looking for something helpful in the first aid kit under his bed.

’’Who puts them there?’’ said Peter.

’’House elves, I guess’’, said Sirius, and made a triumphant smile as he found a gauze bandage roll. ’’I heard Marlene say that the girls’ are filled with pads and chocolate.’’ He turned to James again. ’’It’s too much blood. Peter, get me a wet towel, will you?’’

Peter nodded and disappeared.

’’I don’t understand’’, said James. ’’The wolf. Why was he so aggressive?’’

’’I don’t know’’, said Sirius honestly.

’’You won’t tell him, will you?’’ James tried to ensure himself.

’’Of course not’’, said Sirius. ’’But something was up. We should ask him.’’

Peter was back, and he threw the dripping towel to Sirius who carefully wiped the blood off James’ arm.

’’It’s not the first time’’, said Sirius. ’’He’s never hurt us before, but he has been… violent. Remember the first times, before we succeeded with the transformations? He ripped himself apart.’’

’’If Remus is upset, the wolf will be upset’’, said James. ’’I still remember third year when we all fought about something stupid and he came back looking like… yeah, well. I have never hated myself so much. But why now?’’

’’Moony is a mystery’’, said Sirius with gentle hands on James’ arm. ’’Fuck, mate. You need stitches.’’

’’No – if I go to Pomfrey, he’ll find out. Can’t you just cast a spell?’’ said James.

’’Do you _want_ to risk losing your arm?’’

’’Remus knows healing charms!’’ said Peter as if he had just come up with a brilliant idea.

’’Perfect’’, said James sarcastically. ’’He’ll be happy to help. Oh, wait…’’ 

’’I’m all for keeping him out of this’’, said Sirius, unable to take his eyes away from the wound. ’’But it will be a nasty scar if you don’t fix it.’’

’’Ask someone else’’, Peter suggested. ’’Someone clever.’’

’’Evans’’, said Sirius immediately.

’’Remus will find out’’, said James.

’’We’ll ask her not to tell’’, said Peter.

’’Yeah, _that’s_ totally not suspicious’’, James pointed out.

’’Here’s what we’re gonna do’’, Sirius interrupted them. ’’I’ll wrap it now, and after your practice today, you throw the bandage and tell Pomfrey you fell off your broom. No one has to know how it happened.’’

’’Brilliant’’, said James. ’’Fix it now, please, it hurts like hell.’’

’’Wait’’, said Peter suddenly. ’’Didn’t he bite you?’’

The room turned thirty degrees colder and dead silent. Sirius felt James’ pulse skyrocket. Seconds went by, but it felt like years.

’’You were a stag’’, said Sirius, and he tried to stay calm. ’’It doesn’t affect animals, does it?’’

’’But what about animagi?’’ said Peter.

Sirius looked at James, and he could almost see how painful memories of Remus’ transformations were flashing before his friend’s eyes.

’’James’’, he said calmly. ’’It’s gonna be alright.’’

’’How can you know?’’

’’I can’t’’, Sirius admitted. ’’Now hold still.’’

 

 

Sirius and Peter made a quick visit before lunch, but Remus was even less talkative than usually – he was always tired and in pain, but happy to see his friends. Now, it looked like it hurt him just to keep his eyes open.

’’We’ll let you sleep’’, said Peter with a worried look. ’’We’ll come back later, all right?’’

As promised, they returned the same afternoon, this time with chocolate and an extra companion.

’’James!’’ said Remus immediately. He looked horrible, but not as tired as earlier. ’’What happened to your arm?’’

’’Fell off my broom’’, said James, who had taken off the bandage and had a bloodstained sleeve once again. He turned to madam Pomfrey who came rushing as she heard the new visitors enter. ’’We’re not here _only_ to bother Remus, madam. It really hurts. Can you take a look at it?’’

’’Good lord!’’ she cried as she saw his arm. She rolled up his sleeve. ’’It looks awful.’’

’’Thanks’’, said James.

She ignored his sarcastic comment. ’’Take off your shirt and sit down on the bed next to Lupin’s. I’ll get some potion to clean it with.’’

James did as she said.

’’You should have seen him’’, said Sirius and sat down on the chair between the two beds. Peter was standing ten feet away, with his back turned against them, scared to catch a glimpse of the blood. ’’It’s a miracle that it didn’t fall off.’’

Madam Pomfrey was back. She cleaned the wound, ignoring the painful whimpers that escaped James’ lips, pulled out her wand and mumbled a few words. James flinched, but nothing seemed to happen.

’’That’s strange’’, Pomfrey said.

’’What?’’ said James.

’’This spell always works. Unless… unless it’s a wound caused by black… magic.’’

In the corner of his eyes, Sirius could see how Remus almost jumped.

’’I fell off my broomstick’’, James repeated.

’’Merlin, Potter’’, Pomfrey sighed. ’’Got in a fight with the Snape boy again, didn’t you?’’

Remus stared at James who refused to meet his eyes.

’’Yes’’, said James.

Sirius could feel how Remus instead turned to him, looking for answers. He tried to ignore it, but it was as if Remus’ gaze was pulling his hair, demanding his attention. Involuntarily, he looked up and saw Remus stare at him with terrified eyes.

’’No, wait… it looks like a bite’’, said Pomfrey, unaware of what was going on behind her. Remus turned white. Without thinking, Sirius reached out and put his hand on his. ’’Potter, what were you fighting? Wait… is it… the blood traces…’’

She turned around to look at Remus. Sirius had already pulled his wand out.

 _’’Confundus’’,_ he mumbled before any of the others had the chance to think. The spell worked immediately.

’’You know what would be nice?’’ said Pomfrey. ’’Tea. Do any of you want tea?’’

’’No, thank you’’, said the boys, relieved.  

Pomfrey waltzed away, humming to herself.

’’Can I look now?’’ Peter pleaded.

’’No’’, said James, who still had his arm out. He and Sirius turned to the boy in the other bed.

Remus had his eyes fixed on James’ arm – Sirius could see that they were filled with tears, and the boy’s hand was shaking under his touch.

’’Remus’’, said James immediately. ’’Don’t cry, please don’t cry.’’

Remus managed to look away from the awful wound, and instead, he stared in to the opposite wall.

’’You lied’’, he whispered.

’’Can you blame us?’’ said Peter, still with his back to them.

Remus hand was still shaking, and Sirius squeezed it harder.

’’Has it happened before?’’ asked Remus. He looked down. ’’Be honest.’’

’’No’’, said James immediately. ’’Never.’’

Remus could not help himself – he let out a sniffle and made a half-hearted attempt to get Sirius to let go of his hand.

’’Don’t cry!’’ James begged him again. ’’It’s bad enough as it is!’’

’’W-was Pomfrey right?’’ Remus stuttered. ’’Was it a bite? Or just claws?’’

James looked to Sirius for support.

’’It was a bite’’, said Sirius quietly. Remus pulled away his hand. ’’Remus – ’’

’’No’’, he gasped. ’’No, no – James, I – I don’t know what I – what have I done…’’

’’Not you!’’ said James. ’’The wolf!’’

’’I… I let you go through with it…’’

’’You couldn’t have stopped us if you wanted to’’, said Sirius. Remus made an attempt to get out of the bed, but as soon as he sat up, his face turned in to a painful grimace. ’’Lay down, Moony.’’

Remus was shaking violently, soon hyperventilating. James jumped up from his bed and walked up to him.

 _’’No’’,_ said Remus. ’’You don’t _know_ – you don’t know what I’ve done to you, James, I’m – God, just leave me, get out of here, _please_ , I – I’m so sorry – _James, I’m so so sorry.’’_

Tears were running down his cheeks now, and James, miserable with the situation, made an attempt to hug him.

’’Don’t!’’ cried Remus and waved his arm, trying to keep James on a distance. ’’Stay a-away or I’ll… I’ll hurt you even… even…’’

’’You would never hurt any of us’’, said James desperately. ’’We know you!’’

’’You _promised_ – you promised to never go in there before you had transformed!’’

’’We didn’t!’’ said Sirius. ’’He was transformed when it happened!’’

Remus looked at him so quickly that Sirius almost jumped. 

’’He won’t be infected?’’

Sirius and James exchanged a look. ’’We don’t know that’’, James admitted. ’’But I think… you know…’’

’’You didn’t look it up?’’ said Remus.

’’There was never a reason to’’, said Peter. They had almost forgotten that he was present – he was still standing on a distance, refusing to look at them. ’’A werewolf is not supposed to be a danger to animals.’’

’’Then I’m just an extreme monster’’, said Remus.

’’No’’, said Sirius. ’’The wolf was upset about something. He wanted out of the shack. Prongs tried to stop him and… yeah. He’s never been this aggressive before. We wanted to ask you about that.’’

’’Who cares?’’ said Remus, looked at James arm and then closed his eyes. ’’God, James, I don’t know how to – if you…’’

’’We don’t know that’’, said James, but Sirius could tell that he was just as worried about it as Remus was. ’’Let’s not… get ahead of ourselves.’’

’’Prongs, I get that you’re fit’’, said Peter angrily. ’’But unless you have a strong preference of being half naked for no reason, I’d love to see your faces.’’

James sighed, went back to his own bed, picked up his shirt and put it back on. ’’Done.’’

Peter turned around and looked at Remus and James with eyes of pity.

’’Don’t do that’’, Remus grunted.

’’Moons’’, said James. ’’You do know that… even if I… you know. I would still be your friend.’’

’’That’s what you say now’’, said Remus. ’’Just wait a month and see what you think when you’re here in the wing, next to me.’’

’’We don’t know that’’, Sirius reminded him.

’’This disease is the curse of my life’’, Remus continued. ’’Not just the pain. I will never be able to keep a job, or a girl. Never have children. I’ll be avoided by the wizarding world for the rest of my life.’’

’’I don’t care about all that’’, said James bravely. ’’We’ll be werewolf pals.’’

’’Things change’’, said Peter.

’’And you’ll always have us’’, said Sirius.

Remus looked like he was about to start crying again.

’’Whatever happens’’, said James. ’’Marauders forever.’’

It did not take long until a nurse drove them out, and James, Sirius and Peter made their way to dinner in silence.

 

The next day, Remus showed up for breakfast, looking more ill and exhausted than the day before. He seemed careful as he approached his friends, as if he was scared that James had changed his mind and was now furious – but no one mentioned the events of the full moon, and soon, things almost seemed normal.

A couple of days went by and the boys’ minds were filled with less dramatic things: exams were coming up, and James had an existential crisis as a Ravenclaw girl asked him out (’’It’s only a date, James.’’ ’’What if this means I ruin my chance to spend my life with Lily? What if I’ll spend my life with regret? Is it worth one date with a pretty girl?’’) and eventually, the girl took her invitation back, pointing out that it is not polite to wait a week to respond.

’’I don’t get it’’, said James as he entered the common room with Sirius and Peter. They had had late lunch because of James’ quidditch practice – Remus and Lily had eaten early because of their Arithmancy class. ’’Half the school already knows. How is it possible?’’

’’Well, let’s say every girl has five friends, and they all tell their friends within an hour –’’

’’Stop it’’, James begged. ’’Evans will never look at me again.’’

’’I wasn’t looking in the first place, Potter’’, said someone who had apparently been walking behind them without any of them noticing. Sirius burst out laughing. James turned red, ignored Lily and hurried towards the dorm room. His friends followed.

’’She was not supposed to hear that!’’ James hissed. He reached out his hand to open the door, but Sirius stopped him.

_’’Schh!’’_

They went silent. James pressed his ear to the door. The muffled sound from their bedroom became clear to all three of them now. They turned to each other.

’’Is he –’’ Peter mumbled.

’’But it’s been years!’’ said James.

 _’’Fuck’’,_ said Sirius, and before James or Peter had the chance to react, he had opened the door and run in.

Remus was sitting on his bedside with his back against them. Sirius could see that he was shaking, his hands running through his hair, tearing it. Sirius stopped and turned around.

’’We’ll overwhelm him’’, he whispered.

’’You take care of it, Sirius’’, said James with an anxious look. ’’I’ll only make it worse. Please.’’

Sirius looked back at Remus. ’’Get some hot chocolate.’’

James and Peter nodded and disappeared. Sirius went over to Remus and sat down next to him.

’’Moony’’, he whispered and put his hand on Remus’ arm, making sure to keep some distance in order not to trigger claustrophobia. Remus flinched. ’’It’s just me.’’

Remus looked up. Amber eyes met silver and something hit Sirius as a shovel when he saw how the boy in front of him, eyes filled with tears, was struggling to breathe. 

’’Listen to me’’, said Sirius, and he had to use every ounce of discipline to keep his voice stable and his eyes calm when all he wanted was to cry, too. ’’You’re not alone. Nothing can hurt you.’’

He felt as if he was only babbling, and forced himself to gather. Remus had looked away, and it hurt Sirius to know what he was feeling – as if the world had shrunk around him and he had run out of oxygen.

’’Moony, I need you to listen’’, Sirius begged. Remus was pulling his shirt as if it was suffocating him - he was unreachable. ’’I just need you to breathe, okay? I’m sorry, I know it’s hard. But I need you to breathe.’’

Remus has closed his eyes in a painful grimace, as if he was trying to hide: as if Sirius would not be there if Remus just kept his eyes shut: as if it would make reality less real.

Sirius stood up from the bed and kneeled in front of Remus. Carefully, he took one of his hands in his own and held it to his chest as he took a deep breath. He made sure to keep their hands far to the right, worried that Remus’ might feel his heartbeat that was everything else than calm.

’’Breathe with me’’, he said and took a deep breath. ’’I know it’s hard, Moony, it’s all right.’’

’’Go’’, Remus whimpered before he started sobbing uncontrollably.

’’I’m not leaving’’, said Sirius calmly.

’’P-please.’’

’’If you want to be left alone, I’ll go sit on my bed over there. But… please don’t ask me to. Just breathe with me. Please.’’

Remus made a failed attempt to get air in to his lungs. He started coughing violently.

’’I c-c-can’t –’’

’’It’s all right’’, said Sirius with the softest voice he could manage. He tried to focus on his own breathing – deep breaths, in through his nose, out through his mouth.

A couple of minutes went by. Relieved, Sirius noticed how Remus’ sobs became fewer and quieter, and he could feel the pulse in his wrist go down. Finally, Remus managed to take one, deep breath in sync with Sirius. They sat in silence for a minute until his breathing was back to normal. Then Remus opened his bloodshot eyes and looked up at Sirius. His face was red and his hair a mess. Sirius gave him a sad smile, let go of his hand, stood up and walked around the bed.

’’Don’t go!’’ said Remus immediately.

Sirius had to stop himself from laughing. ’’I’m not leaving, mate. I was just gonna sit down. My legs were falling asleep.’’

He sat down on the bed, slightly behind his friend so that Remus would not feel compelled to keep eye contact. He could see the boy flushing. They were silent for a few moments.

’’That was a bad one’’, said Sirius quietly. 

’’Yeah’’, Remus whispered with his eyes fixed at his own hands.

’’I thought they stopped coming.’’

’’So did I.’’ He sighed. ’’Fuck, I’m sorry.’’

’’Shut up’’, said Sirius. ’’Don’t apologize.’’

He made a tentative move in an attempt to put his arms around him. Remus looked fine, so Sirius dared to hug him. He felt Remus’ arms hugging him back, his whole body tense as if he was fighting the tears. Neither of them said anything. Over Remus’ shoulder, Sirius saw the door slowly open, and James’ head was peaking in, waiting for a sign.

’’Remus’’, said Sirius quietly. ’’James and Pete are here. They’re worried about you. Can they come in?’’

Remus let go of Sirius, still avoiding his eyes. ’’Yeah, yeah, of course.’’

’’We brought some chocolate’’, said James, walked over to the bed and handed Remus a smoking hot mug. ’’You look like you need it.’’

’’Thanks’’, said Remus and smiled at James. Sirius was still holding one hand on his shoulder, scared to let go completely. Remus took a sip of the chocolate and looked up to see three pairs of worried eyes fixed at him. ’’Don’t look at me like that. I’m fine.’’

’’You sure?’’ said Peter and plunked down on the bedside.

’’Yeah’’, said Remus. ’’Just… you know.’’

James sat down on the floor in front of him. ’’We thought it was over.’’

’’So did I’’, said Remus again.

’’It’s not because of what happened at full moon, is it?’’ said James.

’’Are you stressed about school?’’ asked Peter.

Remus looked tired.

’’You don’t have to explain’’, said Sirius. ’’These things don’t always make sense.’’

’’You’re all right now, anyway?’’ said James and tilted his head.

’’Yeah.’’

’’I talked to McGonagall. She gave you the day off and said you can hand in your essay next week. Just rest today, mate.’’

’’Charms is in fifteen minutes’’, Peter said to the others.

Sirius turned to Remus. ’’Want me to stay?’’

’’No’’, said Remus.

’’I’ll stay’’, said Sirius.

’’No’’, said Remus again. ’’I mean, no. You don’t have to, you have class.’’

James and Sirius exchanged a look, and then James looked at Remus: ’’He’ll stay.’’  

’’You shouldn’t be alone’’, said Peter.

’’I’ll go to class!’’

’’Blah, blah, can’t hear you’’, said James and grabbed his bag. ’’Gotta run, bye.’’

He and Peter had left the dorm room before Remus had a chance to answer.

’’Go. Flitwick will be mad’’, said Remus and turned to Sirius.

’’Meh’’, said Sirius who had already picked up a pack from his pocket. ’’Cigarette?’’ It was not really a question, Sirius knew the answer. Remus shook his head. Sirius lit his own. ’’Unless you really want some alone time, I’ll stay. Didn’t feel like going anyway.’’

’’Do you ever?’’

’’Nah.’’ Taking a puff of his cigarette, he went over to his own corner, took of his shoes and his blazer, and threw himself on the bed.

Remus sipped his chocolate quietly. There was a comfortable silence. Sirius was staring out the window, deep in his own thoughts.

’’Thank you’’, said Remus after a couple of minutes.

’’For what?’’

’’Calming me down. Staying here. I like the company.’’

Sirius smiled. ’’I know.’’

’’God, I feel like an idiot.’’

’’Don’t.’’

’’That’s easy for you to say.’’

’’Been there, Moons. Done that, remember?’’ New drag of his cigarette. ’’Seems you had a lot on your mind lately.’’

’’Life, I guess’’, Remus said, absently.

’’Always up for talking’’, Sirius offered.

’’I know, Pads. Thank you. You must have a lot on your mind, yourself. Family. Everything’’, said Remus.

’’Yeah’’, said Sirius. ’’I guess.’’

’’How are things with McKinnon?’’

’’She’s fine. I don’t know. Ask her.’’

’’I meant between you two.’’

’’Between us two?’’ Sirius shrugged. He stood up and walked over to the window. ’’We’re just shagging.’’

’’Does she know that?’’ Remus asked. He had opened a book and had his eyes fixed at the text.

’’She knows.’’

’’Just be careful.’’

’’Careful?’’ Sirius laughed again. ’’We use protection, if that’s what you –’’

’’No, I – God, I meant with her feelings. She’s a nice girl. Don’t play with her heart.’’

Sirius turned and looked at Remus. The boy’s eyes did not leave the text, even though he must know that Sirius was looking.

Sirius smirked. ’’Are you jealous?’’

’’What do you mean?’’ asked Remus, a little too quickly.

’’What I said.’’

’’Why would you think that?’’

’’Don’t know’’, said Sirius. ’’Just that you’re avoiding eye contact right now.’’

Unwillingly, Remus closed his book with a sigh and looked up at Sirius.

’’What do you want?’’

’’Oh my God’’, said Sirius. ’’You’re totally jealous!’’

’’Shut up!’’

’’Why didn’t you tell me?’’

’’Tell you _what?_ ’’

’’That you fancy Marlene, of course!’’

Remus looked at him for a second, blinked, and then shook his head. ’’I don’t fancy Marlene. I said she was nice. That’s all.’’

’’I’m sorry’’, said Sirius. ’’I didn’t know. I’ll dump her.’’

’’Please don’t’’, said Remus.

’’Don’t worry. The sex is not that great, anyway.’’

’’You say that about every girl.’’

Sirius shrugged. ’’What about you, then?’’

’’What about me?’’

’’Getting any luck with the ladies?’’

Remus flushed. ’’You know that’s not happening.’’

’’I’m feeling a bit sorry for the girls’’, said Sirius. ’’Poor Mary, pining after you since second year.’’

’’She most certainly is _not_ pining!’’ Remus exclaimed.

’’She and the other girls you never care to notice’’, said Sirius and rolled his eyes.

’’Not having this discussion with you’’, said Remus. ’’Still got a cigarette?’’

Sirius, not expecting the change of subject, or the question, clumsily pulled up the pack from his pocket. ’’S-sure.’’ He threw it to Remus who caught it with one hand. ’’See, you might cough the first time, but the important thing is to –’’

Before he had time to finish the sentence, Remus had picked up a cigarette, put it between his lips, lit it with his wand and taken a drag. ’’You were saying?’’

’’You’ve smoked before’’, Sirius noted.

’’Maybe.’’ Remus smiled. ’’Don’t we have homework to do?’’

’’Yes’’, said Sirius, still in shock after seeing this new side of his friend. ’’But you’re not allowed to study today.’’

’’Says who?’’

’’James. And McGonagall.’’

’’Well, screw them.’’ Remus pulled up a notebook from the bag next to his bed, and with the pen in his right hand and the cigarette in his left, he started writing. Sirius watched him: he looked so peaceful, immediately with complete focus on whatever he was doing.

The silence fell over the dorm room again. Remus kept writing. Sirius kept smoking. Soon, the other boys were back, and the four of them made their way to the Great Hall for dinner.

 

 


	5. He's just not interested

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for a day in Hogsmeade. Sirius seizes the opportunity to get laid, and James seizes the opportunity to have a serious talk.

_**February 1976** _

_**(Remus)** _

He doubted that he would ever be able to breathe properly around his friends again.

He was shocked when he saw how normal they were all acting – particularly James, who truly made an effort to pretend he was not scared. Remus, however, did not forget the potential curse for a second. Neither did he forget about how he had made an idiot of himself a few weeks earlier and Sirius had been forced to save him.

Realizing that it was for the best, he decided to keep to himself. That way, he would not have to look at Sirius and feel like an idiot, or worse, look at James and feel like a monster. Sirius made it clear that he did not think less of Remus after what happened – sometimes, Remus even got the idea that Sirius felt it had brought them closer – after all, Sirius had been in similar situations himself. With James, however, it was worse – Remus felt as if he would throw up every time he looked or even thought about the boy. James was nice to him, James was always nice to him, but Remus had preferred if there had been mutual avoidance.

The next Hogsmeade weekend finally arrived, and his friends seemed relieved to have something to do. Remus had decided to stay home, but after some convincing done by Peter, he was in the carriage with the others when they took off. As soon as they got to the village, they gathered around a table at Three broomsticks with four butterbeers in front of them. Remus stayed quiet for most of the time, but it was so common by now that the others did not seem to notice, and they seemed to have accepted his little bubble even if they did not like it.  

’’But Sirius!’’ James pleaded. ’’She’s like, your girlfriend!’’

’’She’s _not_ my girlfriend.’’

’’Please?’’ said James. ’’Just mention it.’’

 _’’Oh, Marls, by the way’’,_ said Sirius, _’’can you put in a word for my best friend to your best friend who hates him? Thanks, now get on your knees and –’’_

 _’’Get on your knees?’’_ said Peter, terrified. ’’Is that how you talk to her? Do girls like that?’’

’’Some do’’, said Sirius and shrugged.

’’Don’t listen to him’’, said James and rolled his eyes. ’’He doesn’t talk to her like that, he’s just pretending to have less respect for women than he actually does.’’

’’I respect them!’’ Sirius defended himself.

’’I know you do’’, said James, ’’I said you _pretend_ you don’t.’’

’’Speaking of Marlene’’, said Peter. ’’You still seeing her?’’

’’I was never _seeing_ her, I was shagging her, which I’m not, anymore.’’

’’What?’’ said James. ’’You haven’t told me that!’’

Sirius shrugged. ’’What is there to say?’’

’’Did she dump you?’’ said James. ’’Did Lily force her? Do they hate the both of us?’’

 _’’For your information,_ I dumped her.’’

’’Why?’’

’’Meh. Bored.’’

Sirius was acting normal, but Remus felt guilty and hoped that the others did not notice.

’’How can you get bored of sex?’’ said Peter. James laughed at him.

’’Not sex in general, just _that_ sex’’, said Sirius.

’’Really?’’ said James. ’’So why are you not out with a new girl already?’’

’’I wanted to hang out with my pals!’’ said Sirius.

’’Sure’’, said James and raised his eyebrows.

’’What? You think I can’t get a new girl?’’

’’Well, are you?’’

’’Fine!’’ said Sirius loudly. ’’There’s a pretty girl. See, right behind you, Potter. I’ll go talk to her. Bet you five galleons I’ll be fucking her in the bathroom within an hour.’’

’’Respect for women, indeed’’, Remus mumbled.

’’Done’’, said James. Sirius stood up and walked away with determined steps.

’’Why did you do that?’’ said Remus to James, and when their eyes met, the now familiar nausea was back in a second. 

’’I didn’t do anything’’, said James. ’’I just wanted to see how far I could push it. Turns out, I didn’t even have to push it.’’

Peter threw a glance over James’ shoulder. ’’Ah, they’re talking.’’

’’I guess I’ll be five galleones poorer by the end of today. Ah, whatever. One more round of butterbeers for everybody. Peter, can you go, please? I want to see what happens to the Casanova over there.’’

Peter nodded and went to order.

’’Update me’’, said James.

’’I don’t want to stare’’, said Remus, but James kept looking at him until he sighed and looked up anyway. ’’He’s… oh God, he’s kissing her neck!’’

’’How does he _do_ that? Do you think he used magic?’’

’’I don’t think Sirius _needs_ magic when it comes to girl. He’s like… magic himself.’’

’’Don’t you –’’ James begun, ’’do you ever… nah, forget it.’’

’’Hm?

’’Fine, I – don’t you ever think that Sirius might, you know, be… playing for the other team?’’

’’That he… what, that he’s gay?’’

 _’’Schh!’’_ said James, throwing glances around him. ’’I don’t know, I’ve never met a gay person, but… you know. Girls. He’s just not interested.’’

’’Really?’’ said Remus skeptically with his eyes on Sirius who was now very close to the blushing girl.

’’Ignore that’’, said James. ’’Sometimes I just get the impression that he fucks around because someone has told him that he _should_ want to. He doesn’t really care about them.’’

’’He’s sixteen’’, said Remus.

’’I’m sorry’’, said James. ’’I feel awful bringing this up, I really do. It’s just… he’s the closest I’ll ever get to having I brother. And sometimes I feel like I don’t even know him. I had to talk to someone.’’

’’It’s okay’’, said Remus. ’’Uhm, I’m sorry I can’t help you – he just… doesn’t seem very interested in boys either.’’

’’That’s what I thought’’, said James, ’’but then I started paying attention.’’

’’James – Sirius is your best friend. He loves you so much. Don’t complicate things by mixing it up with anything but platonic love.’’

 _’’What?’’_ said James, ’’I wasn’t talking about myself! How… why… do you think he –’’

’’No’’, said Remus immediately. ’’Of course not.’’

’’Good’’, said James. ’’No, I never thought of myself. Or anyone in particular, for that matter. Just… keep your eyes open, you’ll know what I’m talking about.’’

’’It’s a crime’’, said Remus. ’’You’re accusing him of being a criminal.’’

’’How?’’

’’In Scotland, it’s illegal.’’

’’We’re all criminals already, remember?’’

Peter was back and put down the tray with butterbeers. Remus and James did not look up.

’’I think you’re wrong’’, said Remus. ’’And if you aren’t, he’ll tell us when he’s ready.’’

’’Yes’’, said James. ’’I hope I didn’t mess up by asking you. Please don’t look at him in another way.’’

’’I wouldn’t’’, said Remus, but then he looked up at Sirius and the girl and realized that if James had been right, then Sirius had more issues than he ever cared to admit. 

’’What are you talking about?’’ said Peter. Remus and James exchanged a look.

’’We think Sirius has syphilis’’, said James who found no other exit.

’’What?’’ said Peter. ’’Really?’’

’’But then I told James what syphilis _is_ ’’, Remus saved him. ’’Oh look, Sirius has disappeared. And so has that girl.’’

’’Goddammit’’, said James.

’’Her friend is lonely’’, said Peter.

’’Go talk to her’’, said James.

’’Yeah, ha ha, funny one’’, said Peter.

’’Don’t be a Lupin’’, said James.

’’Excuse me?’’ said Remus.

’’Not sorry’’, said James without looking at him. ’’Wormtail, for real. Is she pretty?’’

’’Does it matter?’’ said Peter uncomfortably. ’’She won’t talk to me either way.’’

James turned around and looked at the girl. ’’Pete! She’s _really_ pretty!’’

’’The prettier she is, the bigger the reason not to go’’, said Peter.

’’She even looks like she’s shorter than you!’’

’’Wormtail, if you don’t want to, it’s fine’’, said Remus. ’’But why not? Don’t let your insecurities get in the way.’’

’’You’re one to talk’’, said Peter angrily.

’’I’m going to pull the werewolf card one more time –’’

’’Both of you, shut up’’, said James.

’’Oh’’, said Remus. ’’And you, Potter? Exactly how many times have you asked Lily out?’’

’’She knows that I like her!’’

 _’’Everyone_ knows that you like her, but have you _told_ her?’’

’’It’s different’’, said James. ’’I already _know_ she hates me. You two are just… cowards.’’

Remus stood up. ’’That’s it.’’

’’I’m sorry, I didn’t mean –’’

’’Where’s Macdonald?’’

’’She’s sitting over there.’’ James nodded towards the corner. ’’But –’’

’’Great’’, said Remus and stood up. ’’I’ll go if you go, Pete.’’

’’Wh-what?’’

’’Come on. Be a Marauder.’’

’’O-okay…’’ Peter stood up and looked at the girl who was sitting alone at the table which Sirius and the unknown girl had just left. ’’What do I tell her?’’

’’Apologize for your friend’’, said James. ’’And ask if you can keep her company.’’

’’It’s easier for you!’’ Peter cried and looked at Remus. ’’Macdonald already likes you! And she will just assume you went over there to talk to Lily!’’

’’No, _I’m_ going over there to talk to Lily’’, said James. ’’Got your back, Moony. Come on. Charm her!’’

Remus sighed, took the butterbeers, and walked over to the girls’ table.  

’’Hi, Lily’’, he smiled. James pinched him. ’’And hi, Mary! May we…’’

’’Sure’’, said Mary. Lily gave James a look of disapproval, but she did not say anything. The boys sat down next to them.

’’How are things?’’ said Remus with a smile. ’’What’s your plan for the day?’’

’’We’re going to the bookstore’’, said Mary.

’’Ahh’’, said Remus. ’’The bookstore here is lovely.’’

’’Where’s the other half of your little gang?’’ said Lily with her arms crossed.

’’Sirius’ having sex in the bathroom’’, said James. ’’And Peter is trying to talk to the pretty girl over there. So we decided to talk to the pretty girls over _here.’’_

Mary flushed. Lily just snorted.

’’What about you?’’ said Mary, still pink. ’’What are you doing today?’’

’’Oh, we haven’t planned much’’, said Remus. ’’Just walking around.’’

’’You can come with us’’, said Mary and smiled. _’’Ouch_ – Lily, that was my foot!’’

Lily turned red.

’’It’s okay’’, said Remus and laughed. ’’I’d love to come with you next time, Mary.’’

’’What about me?’’ said Lily.

’’You just made it clear that you didn’t _want_ us to come’’, said James.

’’I didn’t want _you_ to come’’, Lily clarified. ’’I have nothing against Remus. I like Remus. Remus has social competence and a brain.’’

’’Ouch’’, said James. ’’That was under the belt.’’

’’I’m surprised you need a belt’’, said Lily. ’’Considering how inflated you are.’’

’’We should go check on Peter’’, said Remus, who felt that it was time to call off the mission.

’’We just came!’’ said James.

’’It was nice talking to you, girls. I’ll see you around.’’

He pulled James away from the scene. _’’Really, Potter?’’_

’’She started it!’’

Remus ignored him. ’’Where’s Wormtail?’’

James looked around after his friend. ’’Do you think he chickened out?’’

’’No – the girl is gone, too.’’

’’We were gone for like, _thirty seconds!’’_

’’Well’’, said Remus. ’’I guess our friends are both getting lucky in one way or another, and we’re getting…’’ He looked at James. ’’…pie?’’

’’Great idea’’, said James and gave his friend a pat on the back.

They decided to wander on their own for the rest of the day, hoping that their friends would find them if they wanted to. They steered towards a café a couple of blocks away, desperate to escape Lily and Mary’s eyes, ordered seven pieces of pie and sat down.

’’So’’, said James and put a huge piece of apple pie and whipped cream in his mouth. ’’You won’t like this, but we need to talk about it.’’

’’Oh’’, said Remus, cursing himself for not seeing this coming.

James put his spoon down and leaned forward. ’’You’ve been avoiding me lately. You have. Until today, you’ve barely looked at me.’’

’’We’re having pie’’, said Remus, who was avoiding his eyes again. ’’We wouldn’t be having pie if I were ignoring you.’’

’’Can we talk about what happened?’’

Remus did not say anything.

’’Okay’’, said James. ’’Can I talk about what happened?’’

’’If I tell you no, would you listen?’’ Remus mumbled.

’’Probably not’’, said James. ’’Please?’’

’’Go ahead, then.’’

James paused and observed his friend. ’’I just want you to know that I meant what I said in the wing. Let’s say I _was_ infected. I would still want to be your friend. But right now, I don’t feel that you would let me.’’

Remus stayed quiet.

’’I know you’re not good at this kind of conversations’’, said James and looked down. ’’But… I care about you, I hate seeing you like this. And I don’t want to lose you. I know I’m ruining the first moment in ages where you just seemed like your normal self… I’m sorry. But I realized I really miss you.’’

’’Wh-what?’’ said Remus.

’’You’ve been so quiet. Haven’t talked to me. You talk to Sirius. And Peter. And Lily. Just not to me. I asked Peter to go get the butterbeers today because I wanted a chance to speak to you, just talk to you normally. I started babbling about my thoughts about Sirius because I wanted to prove to you that I trust you. And it was basically the first time you talked to me since… you know. I miss you, goddammit!’’

Remus took a few moments to process James' words.

’’It’s not that I don’t care’’, he said after a while.

’’What is it, then?’’

’’It’s that I _do_ care. It’s too hard.’’

’’What’s too hard?’’

’’Acting normal’’, said Remus. ’’Knowing that I hurt you.’’

’’Well’’, said James. ’’I just made a fool of myself and said all kinds of poofy shit, so… can you try?’’

’’I’ll try. I didn’t know it affected you so much. I’m sorry.’’

’’You thought it didn’t affect me? Ahh, Moony, you might be the clever one, but sometimes you’re more stupid than the rest of us together.’’

’’Thanks’’, said Remus sarcastically.

’’Love you, idiot’’, said James, before he realized what he had said and threw a spoonful of whipped cream in Remus’ face to make up for it.

’’Thanks’’, said Remus again, took a napkin from the table and wiped his cheek. ’’Love you too, Prongs.’’

’’Enough’’, said James. ’’We can’t all be gay.’’

’’You started’’, said Remus. ’’It would be rude not to answer.’’

’’This never happened’’, said James.

’’As you wish’’, said Remus.

 _’’I meant it’’_ , James pointed out. ’’But it didn’t happen.’’

’’All right, all right’’, Remus laughed.

A few hours earlier, Remus had not believed that he could ever relax around his friend again. Now, everything seemed normal. He was still not feeling well, but he was feeling better, trusting that his friends’ behaviour had at least not been pure acting. He had never been the kind of person who liked to talk about things – but every time his friends forced him to, everything seemed to work out. He made a mental note to trust them more.

They ate all of the pie, while speculating about what their friends could be up to.

’’Sirius is probably fine’’, said James. ’’But Peter? What if he got kidnapped?’’

’’Did you see how tiny she was?’’ said Remus. ’’He’ll be fine.’’

’’I saw what you did’’, said James. ’’You went up to Macdonald so Peter would get the courage to talk to the girl. Not because you wanted to.’’

Remus shrugged. ’’Pete’s a follower. I guess he thought that if I could do it, he could.’’

When the discussion died out and turned in to a comfortable silence, Remus started thinking about the conversation he had with Lily a couple of days earlier. After his talk with James, he felt an increased trust and appreciation for the boy, and he wanted to make it clear. Maybe this was the time for his own coming out.

’’Did you know that I write?’’ said Remus, trying to sound normal.

’’No’’, James, actually sounding normal. ’’What do you write?’’

’’Everything’’, said Remus. ’’Don’t tell anyone. It’s embarrassing.’’

’’Why is it embarrassing?’’

’’I don’t know’’, said Remus and shrugged.

’’Why did you tell me if you think it’s embarrassing?’’

’’I don’t know. I trust you.’’

’’Can I read something?’’ said James.

’’Maybe’’, said Remus. ’’Some day.’’

’’Look who found us’’, said James suddenly. Remus, positively surprised by how fast and painfree the conversation had been, turned around. Sirius walked in.

’’Finally’’, he said and sat down. ’’I’ve looked everywhere for you. Where’s Peter?’’

’’Funny that you asked’’, said James. ’’We have a couple of theories.’’

’’You, my friend’’, said Sirius and pointed at him, ’’owe me five galleons.’’

’’Ouch’’, said James, pulled up five coins from his pocket and put them on the table. ’’How was she?’’

’’Meh’’, said Sirius, shrugged and grabbed the coins. James looked at Remus with meaningful eyes. ’’When did Wormtail leave?’’

’’We lost at him at Three Broomsticks. He ran off with some girl.’’

’’So you two just ate seven pieces of pie by yourselves?’’

’’Worth it’’, said James proudly.

’’Who’s the bird with Peter?’’

’’The friend of the one you left with.’’

’’Oh’’, said Sirius. ’’How did that happen?’’

’’We don’t know’’, said James. ’’Let’s see what he has to say when he shows up.’’

They did not find Peter again before it was time to go back home and he showed up between the carriages.

 _’’What?’’_ yelled James as he spotted lipstick on his friend’s chin.

’’Hufflepuff’’, Peter smiled. ’’Third year. We took a walk. Ended up making out. It was nice.’’

’’What’s her name?’’ asked Remus.

’’She told me, but I forgot’’, said Peter. ’’Felt stupid asking her again.’’

’’Well done’’, said Sirius.

’’What about you?’’ said Peter.

’’Got laid’’, said Sirius, and the carriage started moving back to the castle.


	6. No facades needed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James is trying to have a difficult conversation. Difficult conversations are easier at night.

**_February 1976_ **

**_(Sirius)_ **

 

’’Moony is acting normal with you again’’, said Sirius as they were walking back from the quidditch pitch. James had just finished practice, and Sirius had kept him company from the spectator stand, smoking and enjoying the sun that was visible for the first time that year.

’’He is, right?’’ said James. ’’Thought it would never happen. I had a talk with him in Hogsmeade. He was… unwilling, but I think it was good that I brought it up. He seems more relaxed now.’’

’’I’m glad.''

’’Speaking of Hogsmeade. What happened to that girl?’’

’’What girl?’’

’’The girl you were shagging in the bathroom at Three broomsticks. She’s in our school, isn’t she?’’

’’Apparently’’, said Sirius. ’’Saw her in the corridor couple of days ago.’’

’’Did you talk to her?’’

’’No?’’

’’Sirius! Did you at least give her an explanation?’’ James asked.

’’Well, she didn’t talk to me either’’, said Sirius.

’’But you were the one coming on to _her._ ’’ Sirius ignored him. ’’Why did you do it, anyway? To prove me wrong?’’

’’A little’’, Sirius admitted.

’’Do you even like sex?’’

_’’James!’’_

’’What, is it weird that I’m asking? You run around putting it in everyone and everything – ’’

’’Six or seven girls. Not the entire school.’’

’’But how many of them did you care about?’’

Sirius rolled his eyes. ’’Prongs, I get that you’re all about the _’sex is supposed to be special’-_ thing and you’re going to save yourself for Evans and therefore probably die a virgin, but in the real world, it doesn’t work like that. Who are you to judge me, anyway?’’

’’I would _never_ judge you’’, said James with a face as if Sirius had accused him of murder. ’’Padfoot, I’m sorry. This conversation went wrong. Can we please sit?’’

Sirius did not answer, but when James sat down on the closest bench, he followed.

’’You don’t have to answer to anything’’, said James, ’’because it’s your business and I shouldn’t put my nose in it, but I’m asking as your friend because we’ve always talked about everything.’’

’’It’s okay’’, said Sirius, who softened up a bit with these words.

’’I was just thinking, since you always say the girls are lame and you get bored of them, no matter how hot they are.’’

’’I’m an easily bored person’’, said Sirius and shrugged.

’’You’ve never thought you’re just… you know… bored of girls in general?’’

’’Bored of sex?’’

’’Bored of _girls_ ’’, James repeated.

’’Whatever’’, said Sirius and rolled his eyes again. ’’No, I don’t think so.’’

’’You just never seem to think it’s that great.’’

’’Not sure what to say. It’s like wanking, but wetter.’’

’’So that’s what you’re after?’’ said James. ’’The wet?’’

’’And you feel all powerful’’, Sirius added. ’’Because, you know, they want you, and you make them moan or scream and stuff.’’

James was looking at him as if he was an object of research.

’’Why are you asking, anyway?’’ said Sirius, who started to feel a bit insecure. ’’Scared that sex won’t be so great once you have it?’’

’’No’’, said James. ’’Scared that sex isn’t so great when _you_ have it.’’

’’What, like there’s something wrong with me?’’

’’Not really. Maybe you just sleep with the wrong kind of people. Do they even turn you on?’’

’’I’m sixteen’’, said Sirius. ’’ _Turned on_ is a part of my personality.’’

’’But do _they_ turn you on?’’

Sirius shrugged. ’’Doesn’t work like that for me.’’

’’You even told me you had to use spells to get hard!’’

’’I was _nervous_ the first times! How can you use that against me?’’

’’I’m not against you, Sirius’’, James reminded him and sighed. ’’So what, you don’t use them anymore?’’

Sirius took a couple of seconds to answer. ’’Sometimes’’, he admitted, unwillingly. ’’What do you want, why are you trying to… figure my sex life out?’’

’’We’ve always talked about sex.’’

’’Yes, but you’re not asking about sex. You’re asking about _me.’’_

James shrugged. ’’Sorry. I was worried.’’

’’About what, a potential addiction?’’

’’No, just that you’re doing it for the wrong reasons.’’

’’Like proving you wrong? I’ll give you that one.’’

’’Well, I guess I kind of provoked it.’’ The clouds covered the sun and in only a couple of seconds, it was cold and dark as night. ’’Let’s go back. Doesn’t look like it’s gonna clear up in a while.’’

Sirius was not mad at James for bringing up the topic - he was curious about why, and more than that, confused. Later, he regretted being so defensive, but James had brought it up out of nowhere and Sirius had had no idea what to respond. He knew that James did have a point, and it was not as if Sirius had never thought about it himself, but he had tried to _stop_ thinking about it, because thoughts only made a bigger mess and if sex made him feel good in one way or another, then screw James' questions about  _why_ he was doing it. 

Once he noticed that James had let it go, he could relax as well, and he told himself that his friend meant well, but just did not understand. 

  
***

 

''Black'', said McGonagall sternly. ''Come to my office, please.''

James looked up at Sirius, confused. 

''Mate'', he whispered. ''What did we do?''

Sirius, just as confused as James, looked up at his professor.

''W-why?'' he stuttered.

''Come with me'', she said, and he was forced to obey. He put his things in his bag and walked out of the Great Hall with all eyes on him, and followed the teacher to her office.

With a flick of her wand, McGonagall opened the door and stepped in. Sirius walked in after her and immediately understood what was wrong.

''Professor'', he said. ''I c-can't... take her out of here, I... can I go, please, please let me go.''

Walburga Black stood up from the chair at professor McGonagall's desk and walked towards her son.

''Please'', said Sirius and looked at McGonagall. ''She'll hurt me, professor, please, do something - ''

''Of course she won't hurt you'', said McGonagall and gave off a hearty laugh. ''Your dear mother has come to see you.''

Walburga was getting closer and her face was getting angrier. 

''You  _scum_ '', she hissed and slapped him. Sirius fell and turned to McGonagall for help, but she was still standing by her desk, looking at mother and son with a smile. ''How dare you disappear and put even more disgrace upon our family than you have already done just by existing?''

''Don't hurt me'', said Sirius. ''D-don't hurt me.''

He was crawling backwards, but Walburga reached him again, and this time, the slap made Sirius see stars. Too dizzy to move, he froze, and for a second he could only feel the pain in his cheek before a kick hit him in the side and he was struggling to breathe. Again, he turned to McGonagall, waiting for her to interfere, but she was still just staring. It did not make sense. It did not feel real.

It was not real.

The second Sirius had realized, he woke up, and he immediately sat up in order to stop himself from drifting back to sleep. 

''Padfoot?'' said a sleepy voice from the bed next to his. ''You were mumbling in your sleep. You all right?'' 

''Yes'', said Sirius. ''I'm okay. Sorry for waking you up. Go back to sleep.'' 

He felt desperate to leave the room, even if it was just to calm himself down for a few minutes. For a couple of moments, he contemplated his options, before throwing on a hoodie and sneaking out to the common room. 

’’Ah. Seems I’m not the only insomniac around here.’’

Remus almost jumped and the notebook he was holding fell out of his hands. ’’You scared me!’’

’’Sorry’’, Sirius laughed. ’’Having some precious alone time, or may I keep you company?’’

’’By all means’’, said Remus, ’’keep me company.’’

Sirius smiled at him, sat down in the sofa, and put his feet up on the table. Remus let his small notebook fall back to the pocket of his pajama pants. The only source of light in the common room was the fireplace. It was uncommon that the room was this quiet – now, the only sound they could hear was the crackle of fire.

’’What’s wrong, Padfoot?’’ said Remus after observing his friend for a moment. 

’’Nothing’’, said Sirius. ’’Woke up, couldn’t fall back asleep. You?’’

’’Couldn’t sleep either. Or didn’t really try, to be honest.’’ He paused. ’’Are you having nightmares again?’’

’’No. Well, kind of. But they’re not that bad.’’

’’Anything you want to share?’’ Remus asked.

’’We don’t have to talk about it’’, said Sirius and shrugged. ’’I can deal with it.’’

He looked in to the fire and felt Remus’ eyes observe him from the other side of the sofa.

’’You sure?’’ Remus said after a while. ’’I learned that talking can help.’’ He added: ’’No one is more upset about this than I am, I assure you.’’

Sirius laughed.

’’Yeah, James told me’’, he said. ’’You’re right. I’m just not sure what to say.’’

’’Do you want to tell me what your dreams are about?’’

’’Family and stuff’’, said Sirius. He was aware that Remus already knew that, but he was trying to figure out how much more he could tell him. ’’And Voldemort started showing up here and there.’’

’’Ah’’, said Remus shortly. ’’Saw it coming.’’

’’Yeah, well.’’

’’Are you… scared about it? About him, and everything, I mean.’’

’’Not so much in real life, but in my dreams, yes. Fucking terrified. Not so much that he will come after me, but other things – I have this reoccuring dream where Regulus comes back after summer holiday with a dark mark on his arm.’’

’’Do you think Regulus would…?’’

’’I don’t know’’, said Sirius honestly. ’’That’s what scares me.’’ He shook his head. ’’I don’t want to talk about it.’’

’’Anything I can do?’’

’’No. Thank you. Just some company is nice. I don’t feel like being alone.’’

’’Happy to help.’'

’’Have you been sitting here alone since we left last night?’’

’’Not really. Lily showed up around midnight. We talked for a couple of hours. She went to bed an hour ago.’’

’’Ahh.’’ Silence for a while. ’’You two are really close, aren’t you?’’

’’Kind of’’, said Remus. ’’She’s really kind to me. And we can talk about everything. I just don’t want to rub it in James’ face.’’

’’He’ll get over it’’, said Sirius.

’’When it comes to Lily, will he ever get over anything?’’

’’He’s sixteen.’’

’’And yet, he’s fancied her since… third year? Two years is a long time for a teenager’’, said Remus. ’’Especially if you’re James Potter and you have half the female part of this school after you.’’

’’I envy him.’’

’’Well, since the other half is after _you_ , I don’t really see the point of –’’

’’No, no, not that.’’ Sirius sighed. ’’Just, he seems to have already found _it_ , you know?’’

_’’It?’’_

’’That _it_ that everyone seems to spend their sad lives looking for. Someone you want to buy a house with and make an ugly kid with and fight with everyday until you die.’’

’’You’re such a romantic.’’

Sirius rolled his eyes. ’’James is so sure about Evans that sometimes, I think that it’s gonna happen no matter how much she hates him now.’’

’’It is’’, said Remus.

’’You see it, too?’’

’’Didn’t have to.’’ Sirius waited for a further explanation, and Remus continued: ’’I was practicing the Patronus charm with Lily the other day. She needed some help.’’

’’What does that have to do with anything?’’

’’She succeeded.’’

’’And?’’ said Sirius.

’’Her patronus was a doe.’’ Remus said. _’’A female deer’’,_ he added as Sirius looked confused.  

_’’Oh.’’_

’’She didn’t get it. I didn’t tell her.’’

’’And you’re _sure_ it was a doe?’’

’’Positive. Don’t tell James, though.’’

’’Why?’’

’’He’ll never leave her alone. It might ruin everything, even if they’re soulmates. Give it time. It’ll probably happen by itself.’’

’’Damn. This is huge. Don’t worry, I won’t tell him. But… damn.’’

’’I know.’’

’’See! He hasn’t even turned sixteen and his life is figured out and he doesn’t even know it.’’

’’Life is a bit easier on people like James Potter’’, said Remus. He looked up. ’’Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy for him, I really am. And you.’’

’’For me?’’

’’You’re gonna sort it out, too, one day. You’ll see.’’

Sirius rolled his eyes and looked away. ’’I highly doubt that.’’ Remus looked at him with eyes that were waiting for a further explanation. Sirius shrugged. ’’I get bored easily.’’

’’It won’t be like that once you find the one’’, said Remus.

’’How do you know? Have _you_ been in love?’’ said Sirius teasingly.

’’I’ve read about it’’, Remus joked.

Sirius laughed. ’’Maybe the _it_ that everyone wants is not for me.’’

’’Then fuck that. Do your own thing.’’

’’Yeah, I guess.’’ Sirius shrugged again. ’’What about you? If you were really in love?’’

’’I’m trying to stay out of that.’’

’’Why?’’

’’Caring is scary.’’

’’But you’re _good_ at it.’’

’’How would you know? I’ve never had a relationship.’’

Sirius swinged his legs up on the sofa and put his arms around them. ’’I know how you treat your friends. What is the difference, really?’’

’’A lot’’, said Remus. ’’You care for your friends, too.’’

’’That’s… not the same.’’

’’I rest my case.’’

’’Love just seems very far away for me at the time.’’ Sirius ran his hands through his hair. ’’Because it’s four AM, and I trust you, I’ll tell you this: I don’t think it’s that I don’t want it. Even if it seems kinda horrible. I mean, look at James. It all started out as a crush for him, didn’t it? And then it developed and now he’s just miserable most of the time but he still lights up every time she enters the room and even if she literally slaps him he’ll be like _’She touched me!’_ And… just imagine if she ever feels the same way back. I want that feeling, I want to know what it feels like.’’

’’If you want it’’, said Remus, ’’it’ll come.’’

’’You don’t get it, it always feels _wrong_.’’

’’It’s because you haven’t found the one.’’

’’No, I mean – promise you won’t judge me if I tell you this?’’

’’I turn in to an animal in front of you once a month, Sirius. I think we’re far beyond the point where we judge each other.’’

’’And don’t tell James, because he gave me this whole speech today and I’d hate to prove him right.’’

’’I won’t tell James.’’

’’Sometimes… well, most of the times, I can kiss a girl and it just doesn’t feel right. I take off her blouse, it doesn’t feel right. I touch her, it doesn’t feel right.’’

’’Well, if I started taking off a stranger’s shirt’’, said Remus. ’’It wouldn’t feel right for me, either.’’

’’If I were meant to fall in love’’, Sirius continued. ’’I thought I would at least feel… something? That’s why I never bother to keep talking to them. Because I don’t feel a thing. But I keep doing it, with new people, because I keep hoping I will, and I’m addicted to that little rush of knowing they want me.’’

He could see Remus thinking, but the boy stayed quiet.

’’I see what you’re doing’’, said Sirius. ’’You’re analyzing me.’’

’’I’m not.’’

’’Spit it out.’’

’’I’m _not!’’_

’’You are, and I’m curious!’’

’’Fine.’’ Remus took a deep breath. ’’My spontaneous and unqualified thought is that you had a really shitty childhood without as much love and affection as you would have needed and maybe that made you a little too eager to find it. And then you’re looking in places where you’re not gonna get it and then you think there’s something wrong with you.’’

 _’’Shitty childhood._ What a cliché.’’ 

’’Tell me if I’m wrong.’’

’’Probably not.’’ Sirius stretched his neck. ’’Do I have an unhealthy need for love and attention?’’

’’Yes.’’

’’Wow. Just be honest.’’

’’But I don’t think it’s a bad thing. Besides, you know. You deserve to get it.’’

’’Ahh, look at us. Sixteen years old and trying to understand life. What happened to the times when love was gross and girls were gross and all we wanted to do was to live in our pillow fort forever? I miss it. It was easier.’’

’’Deep.’’ Their eyes met and Remus smiled at him. ’’You’ll find your love. And it’ll be easy, too.’’

’’Even if I do’’, said Sirius, ’’I’m not really husband-material.’’

’’Is anyone?’’ said Remus. ’’You just need to love and respect the other person. The rest will come.’’

Sirius stayed quiet while thinking about everything. He was staring at the fire, but he knew that Remus was still watching him. He thought about what he had said and what James had said – he thought about a mother that could not love him and his father’s cold words. He thought about how even his brother had given up on him and how girls who screamed his name were all just temporary. About James, who was the first person who Sirius had ever loved besides Regulus, and how he, too, would sooner or later see through Sirius and get tired of him or get married and forget him. About Remus, who was amazing and brilliant and, no matter what he thought, would find a girl clever enough to never let him go. He even thought about Peter, who was perfect in his way – he, too, would find a reason to leave when there was no one but Sirius left.

’’Hey’’, Remus said as if he had read his mind. ’’You know you won’t be lonely, right?’’

’’How do you know?’’ said Sirius, and he was horrified when he heard how weak he sounded.

’’I know a lot of things’’, Remus smiled. Sirius looked at him, and he got that feeling that Remus stared right through him again. It almost felt as if he knew something about him that Sirius himself did not know. He looked away again, and in the corner of his eye he saw how Remus tilted his head. ’’You’re different at this time of the day.’’

’’Bad different?’’

’’You’re honest. I like that. You always have this whole facade thing going on.’’

’’I like to think that people don’t see through it’’, said Sirius.

’’People don’t’’, said Remus, ’’but I like to think that I’m not just people.’’

’’You aren’t’’, said Sirius, and added: ’’I mean, I wouldn’t stay up talking about love in the middle of the night with anyone.’’

’’I get the feeling that you have a lot of things on your mind that call for a middle-of-the-night-conversation. No facades needed.’’

’’With some people it’s easier than with others.’’

’’I feel honoured’’, said Remus.

’’And you’ve been so quiet lately’’, said Sirius.

’’That’s what I’ve heard.’’

’’I’m just glad you’re back.’’

’’Well, me too.’’ Remus smiled. Sirius smiled back. ’’You should go back to bed soon, though.’’

’’I’ve already slept for five hours. If anyone should go to bed, it’s you.’’

Neither of them went to bed. They stayed up talking until Remus fell asleep on the sofa, and Sirius stayed next to him, deep in his own thoughts for the last couple of hours until a new morning was there. 

 


	7. Handle with care

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius Black is a mystery. To many.

**_February 1976_ **

**_(Remus)_ **

 

It was Wednesday night and the fifth year prefects’ turn to patrol the hallways. Remus met up with Lily outside the Gryffindor common room as usual. After only a couple of weeks as prefects, the regular walk around the corridors had turned from a duty to a pleasant chance to speak undisturbed. What Remus liked so much about Lily’s company was how he never had to _try_ with her – even when they barely knew each other, she had been a safe spot, and the two of them always managed to find something to talk about without having to think about it. 

’’So’’, said Remus when she showed up, five past nine. ’’Stressed?’’

 _’’Can you tell?’’_ said Lily sarcastically. Her hair was up in a messy bun that was a little bit too messy to be considered a bun, her cardigan was almost falling off and her lipstick was smeared on her chin. ’’I’m so sorry I’m late, Remus, I was studying and – ’’

’’No, no, it’s okay’’, said Remus, ’’I can go by myself tonight if you have a lot on your mind.’’

’’And sacrifice the only time today I can, without feeling bad, pay attention to anything else than vampire bats and teacups with legs? No thank you’’, said Lily and laughed. ’’Besides, I miss you. I haven’t seen you since that day in Hogsmeade. What have you been up to?’’

’’Oh, you know’’, said Remus. ’’Studying.’’

’’Anyway, I wanted to apologize about last time I saw you. You finally made a move with Mary and – as she made sure to inform me, I totally ruined it.’’

They started walking down the hallway, soon more focused on the conversation than on making sure no students were up past curfew.

Remus, who had completely forgotten about Mary and the minor scene at Three Broomsticks, felt like an idiot. ’’O-oh.’’

’’Just talk to her again whenever you get the chance’’, said Lily, ’’and hopefully, next time, Potter and I won’t be there.’’

’’Right…’’

’’Speaking of Potter, is everything all right in your little group? You all seemed weird lately.’’

’’For someone who claims to hate most of us, you are awfully observant.’’

Lily involuntarily flushed. Remus was amused.

’’I obviously don’t hate _you_ ’’, said Lily. ’’And I don’t hate Peter either. He’s nice when he’s not with his friends. Black is an arrogant prat, but can you blame him? Potter, on the other hand… Sorry. I’m talking shit about your friends again.’’

’’It’s fine’’, said Remus and shook his head. ’’What about your friends? We never talk about them. Marlene, is she okay after… you know?’’

Boyfriend and girlfriend or just sex, it did not matter. Remus had felt guilty about the breakup between Marlene and Sirius since he heard about it, and just the thought that Sirius might have broken a girl’s heart because he thought that Remus liked her was horrible, especially since it was not even true. But Remus had let him think that, and no matter how much he regretted it, there was no way back now.  

Lily shrugged. ’’She’s fine. Just… you know. It’s _Sirius and Marlene._ They’ve always been the way they are. Really good friends. But constantly flirting. Always so… _physical_ with each other. You know how everyone just assumed they were going out, like, last year? It’s like it was obvious that it was gonna be them in the end.’’

It felt as if someone had punched Remus in the stomach. What had he done?

’’Does she… Is she in love with him?’’

’’Nah’’, said Lily and shrugged again. ’’I think she wish that she was. I think she wanted her fairytale, just… not him. They didn’t really connect all the way. Friendship, yes. Sex, kind of. Love, not so much. And she saw it coming, too.’’

’’Did she say anything about why he broke up?’’

’’Not really, but I told her not to take it personally. He doesn’t seem to care about girls, anyway. Sometimes I think he’s gay.’’

_’’Lily!’’_

It felt as if the whole world knew about something, and they had kept a huge secret away from him. He could not understand what had made both Lily and James reach the same conclusion when there was nothing stereotypically _gay_ about Sirius – had they talked about him with each other? No, that was impossible. And if it was a rumour, Remus would have known about it.

’’What? Don’t tell me you never had the thought. It’s nothing wrong with being gay, Remus. You wizards are like fifty years behind. Wake up.’’

’’He would have told us. We would have known.’’

’’Maybe he was afraid it would come out. I mean, with _his_ parents?’’

’’You think he would miss another great opportunity to piss them off?’’

’’Good point.’’

They made a turn around a corner only to freeze immediately. During their patrolling at night, they had never actually found a student out of bed – most rulebreakers were smart enough not to be found.   

’’Black?’’ said Lily and the silhouette looked up. Technically, Lily had been right, but not really, although Remus could easily see how she had mistaken the boy for Sirius.

’’Regulus’’, he said with a bitter voice. ’’Out of bed at night, so far away from the Slytherin common room? May I ask why?’’

Lily looked from Regulus to Remus, shocked by the unusual cold pitch in Remus’ voice and confused after finding Regulus there in the first place.   

’’I knew you would be here’’, said Regulus. ’’That’s why I came.’’

’’Well, Black’’, said Remus. ’’I don’t think Slughorn will consider that a valid excuse.’’

’’I need to talk to you’’, Regulus pleaded.

Remus could not deny that he was confused as well, and more than that, curious about what Regulus could have to say to him.

’’Me?’’ he said, sounding a bit too intrigued.

’’Yes’’, said Regulus. ’’And I can never talk to you during the day, because either my brother’s around or – ’’ He threw a glance at Lily. ’’ _– she’s_ around.’’

’’I’m standing right here, and I have a name’’, Lily snapped.

’’I know your name, Evans’’, said Regulus. ’’Will you leave us alone for a minute?’’

’’Lily is a prefect’’, said Remus, ’’and she’s on duty. Besides, I don’t really feel like talking to you at all, Black.’’

’’I know your secret’’, Regulus hissed. ’’I’m not going to tell anyone. But I could threaten you.’’

Lily sighed. ’’That’s not how it works, Black. You can’t threaten to threaten him.’’

Remus had frozen, staring at Regulus. ’’Lily, can you go ahead? I’ll catch up with you.’’

’’You’re not seriously going to let this prat scare you, Remus?’’

’’Lily, _please.’’_

Lily’s gaze wandered from Remus to Regulus and then back to Remus, who was still not taking his eyes off the younger Black brother.

’’Okay’’, said Lily. ’’Just shout if you need me.’’

She disappeared down the corridor, and when Remus was sure she could not hear them, he pulled out his wand and pushed Regulus to the wall.

_’’What do you know and who told you?’’_

His stomach hurt so badly he thought he would throw up. He knew that there were few people that were more eager to screw up Remus’ life than Regulus – except possibly Snape, who had already made a promise not to tell. Regulus _hated_ the Marauders, he hated Remus for stealing his brother almost as much as he hated James for the same reason, and he most certainly hated werewolves.

’’Calm down’’, said Regulus, although he himself looked terrified by Remus’ sudden, angry movements. ’’Lower your wand, Lupin. I’m not here to fight.’’

Although he had a wand pointed at him, he knew that he had an advantage by knowing Remus’ secret, and there was something arrogant and smug about his face that made him resemble his older brother even more than usually. He was undeniably handsome, just like Sirius – but his features were sharper, and his face lacked the relaxed elegance. While Sirius was almost always close to laughter, it was difficult to imagine Regulus with as much as a smile.

Remus stubbornly kept his wand pointed at Regulus.  

’’I know you’re a werewolf’’, said Regulus.

’’Snape told you?’’

’’Snape didn’t tell me.’’

 _Fuck._ Remus had hoped that it was Snape. Snape hated his guts. If it was not Snape who had told Regulus, there was only one person possible that Remus could think of. And if he was right, it would not be quite as easy for him to process.

’’S-sirius?’’ said Remus. ’’Was it him?’’

 _’’No’’,_ said Regulus. ’’Sirius didn’t tell me anything, so don’t get mad at him. Honestly, I don’t give a fuck about you, Lupin, but I care about my brother, and since you’re always with him, I automatically notice stuff like how you always disappear before full moon and come back looking like shit.’’  

Remus was speechless.

’’I’m not as stupid as I look’’, Regulus snarled. ’’And I won’t tell. Now _lower your fucking wand.’’_  

Remus did as he said, still without taking his eyes off him. ’’What do you want?’’

’’I did something stupid’’, said Regulus.

’’And?’’

’’And Sirius hates me for it. You know. You were there when we had that fight.’’

’’Right’’, said Remus. ’’He said something about a letter, but we didn’t ask him about it. What was all that about, what did you do?’’

’’Not that it’s any of your business –’’

’’If you want my help, you better behave.’’

 _’’Fine._ My parents found a letter. They were furious. Sirius told them he had written it, but it was really me. I kind of… let them think so.’’

’’What letter? Why were they so upset?’’

’’Not relevant’’, said Regulus. ’’But I regret it. And I want him to come home. I wrote him a letter. Can you please bring it to him?’’

He brought up an envelope from his robe and handed it to Remus. Remus stared at it.

’’Sirius isn’t going to come home, you know that, right?’’ he said slowly. ’’I don’t know everything about your fights, and I don’t know what’s in this letter, but I know that he’s not going to come home. He’s happy now and if you have any decency in you, you should be happy for him too after causing him so much misery.’’

’’You don’t know anything’’, said Regulus.

’’Maybe not’’, said Remus. ’’But I know Sirius.’’

’’You think you do’’, said Regulus.

Remus shrugged, pretending Regulus’ comment did not get to him. ’’So that was it? You wanted me to leave a letter for you? You could’ve given it to him yourself. Or sent an owl.’’

’’That wasn’t it’’, said Regulus.

’’Keep talking, then’’, said Remus.

Regulus suddenly looked uncomfortable, squirming as if suddenly having second thoughts about confiding in Remus. ’’Is he still with McKinnon?’’

’’No’’, said Remus.

’’How is he?’’

’’He’s fine. Was that it?’’

’’No’’, said Regulus. ’’Listen, I just really had to talk to someone who knows him.’’

’’You just said I didn’t’’, said Remus coldly. 

’’You know what I mean. You spend a lot of time with him. And he trusts you. You’re his best friend.’’

’’Why don’t you talk to James?’’

’’I can’t, he’s always with Sirius. And wouldn’t listen to me. Besides, he would hex me.’’

’’If this conversation isn’t over soon, then I might do the same.’’

Regulus looked desperate, and Remus felt so sorry for him that he decided not to dislike Regulus so strongly for the next couple of minutes, although the memory if Regulus’ fist hitting Sirius’ face was still too fresh for Remus to forgive him.

’’Has he said anything about me?’’ said Regulus.

’’No’’, said Remus.                  

’’Do you think you can talk to him?’’

’’Why would I? From what I gather, he stood up for you and you ended up taking your parents’ side. That is kind of an awful thing to do.’’

’’But did he tell you what happened after?’’ said Regulus angrily. ’’He was kind of horrible to me, too!’’

Remus shrugged. ’’I’m sure you’re right. None of my business.’’

’’Tell me what to do’’, Regulus pleaded. ’’How bad is it? How mad is he? What do I do?’’

’’Black?’’ said Remus mildly.

’’Yes?’’

’’What do you _want?’’_

’’I want to make things right with Sirius’’, said Regulus stubbornly.

’’But he won’t talk to you.’’

’’No.’’

’’So that’s why you need me.’’

’’Yes.’’

’’To convince him, hand him this letter, and give you advice.’’

’’Pretty much.’’

Remus thought about it for a moment and sighed. ’’Listen, I don’t know everything about your fights, Sirius doesn’t like talking about it, at least not with me. I can give him this letter, talk to him and _maybe_ suggest that he should _consider_ listening to you.’’

’’That’s all I’m asking for.’’

’’Don’t get your hopes up. Sirius never listens to advice.’’

’’He listens to you’’, said Regulus. ’’Really, Lupin, thank you…’’

’’Don’t thank me. I’m not doing it for you, I’m doing it for Sirius.’’ Remus tilted his head and looked at the boy. ’’I know he loves you. Even if you’re not making it easy for him.’’

Regulus suddenly looked a bit more hopeful.

’’Anything else?’’ said Remus.

’’No’’, said Regulus. Remus put the letter in his pocket and started walking down the corridor. ’’Except… take care of him, please.’’

Remus turned around and looked at him again. Regulus continued:

’’He may not always show it, but… he’s a fucking emotional mess. Handle with care.’’

Remus nodded. ’’I know that, Regulus.’’

And then he left.  

***

After meeting up with Lily again, and promising himself to love her eternally for _not_ asking about his secret, he went back up to the dorm room to find his friends: Peter, already asleep, while James and Sirius were sitting on their beds, reading.

’’Well, this is an unusual view’’, said Remus. James looked up.

’’Back from snogging Lily, are we?’’

’’Seriously?’’

’’Joking, mate. You look pale, are you feeling all right?’’

’’Yes, of course’’ Remus turned to Sirius. ’’Why is Sirius reading?’’

’’Because you sent me a book for Christmas’’, said Sirius without looking up, ’’and it happened to be good.’’

’’Hah!’’ said Remus.

’’God, I hate it when you’re right’’, said Sirius.

’’Sorry’’, said Remus and laughed. He felt the envelope in his pocket, and decided to put off _the talk_ with Sirius until tomorrow, when they would have more time and access to coffee. ’’I’m going to bed. Enjoy your reading.’’

He took a shower, brushed his teeth and went to bed. Half an hour later, he heard James and Sirius say goodnight to each other as well, and the dorm room turned pitch black. Still, Remus could not sleep – his mind was buzzing with thoughts about envelopes and revealed secrets and promises to Regulus. How was he going to bring it up? How was he supposed to tell Sirius that he had talked to Regulus behind his back?

Hours passed and he felt restless. The last time he checked the watch on his bedside, it said 2AM, and Remus promised himself to stop looking, feeling the stress inside him grow with every sleepless minute that passed.

But a few minutes later, something else caught his attention. Someone was mumbling.

Remus could not understand the words, but the voice was filled with panic, and the mumbling was occasionally interrupted by a whimper or a minor scream.

Remus sat up and pulled away the curtains around his bed, looking around in an attempt to locate the noises. They were coming from the bed next to his.

He stood up and walked over to the other bed, careful not to wake the others up. He slowly pulled the curtains aside and found Sirius, eyes closed, hands clenched tightly around his shoulders. His forehead was glistening with sweat and his usually so calm face was wrinkled in fear, almost panic. He was shaking, tossing and turning in weird, jerky movements, mumbling incoherently.

Remus was paralyzed. The anxiety of seeing Sirius like this _physically_ hurt him, and yet he had no idea what to do about it. He considered waking up James – James would know what to do, James would know how to deal with it – but Sirius would never do that to him: he had always done his best to help Remus if he could, and if not, he had stayed by his side anyway.

He tried to remember what Sirius had done that day in the dorm room – reassuring touches, short sentences, careful not to get too close or too overwhelming. Even if it this was only a nightmare, Sirius would be upset when he woke up, and Remus did not want to scare him. _Handle with care,_ had Regulus told him. _Handle with care._  

He sat down on the bedside, right behind Sirius’ back, and carefully placed a hand on Sirius trembling shoulder, slowly stroking it in order not to wake Sirius up too violently. He had to fight the overwhelming protective urges that were raging inside of him, telling him to rip Sirius out of his sleep, to hug him hard, to whisper every friendly word there was, to comfort him in every possible way. He gave his arm a gentle squeeze.

’’Padfoot’’, he whispered. ’’Pads, it’s all right. You’re safe.’’

Sirius gave off a shrill, mumbling noise. Remus let his hand wander all the way down to Sirius’ and grabbed it. His placed his other hand in Sirius’ hair, putting a tangled strand of black hair behind his ear.

 _’’Schh’’,_ he whispered. ’’Wake up. It’s only a nightmare.’’

And suddenly, Sirius eyes opened. They did not look directly at Remus, they were staring in to the dark. A few seconds passed and with great relief, Remus noticed how the boy turned still. He spotted a glistening tear leaving the corner of Sirius’ eye. Sirius was still avoiding looking at Remus, but he must have recognized the voice and realized what had happened. Remus saw his face in the moonlight shining in through the window, and his face was completely expressionless – in this light, he almost looked dead.

’’Nightmare’’, said Remus again. His fingers were still stroking Sirius’ hair.

Sirius did not answer, and Remus was beginning to wonder whether he should leave or stay, when he suddenly felt Sirius squeezing his hand – intertwining their fingers as if asking Remus not to go.

’’You all right?’’ said Remus.

’’No’’, said Sirius.

’’Want to talk?’’

Sirius bit his lip and took a couple of seconds to answer. Remus could see that he was afraid his voice might crack.

’’No’’, he finally whispered, still holding Remus’ hand. Before Remus could answer, Sirius had buried his face in the pillow, and his whole body suddenly trembled.

Sirius was actually crying.

Even though the wave of protectiveness hit him again, Remus made a quick decision not to say anything. Instead he laid down, without removing his hand from Sirius’, keeping his arm around him. He hugged his friend, breathing calmly into Sirius’ messy hair. 

’’I’ll stay.’’

And then they did not say more.    


	8. You're my favourite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a long night, the drama is far from over. Throw in some firewhiskey and you have yourself one hell of a situation.

_**February 1976** _

_**(Sirius)** _

__

Sirius slept like a rock for the rest of that night, and when he woke up, Remus was gone. He pulled the curtains aside and squinted as the light from the room hit him.

’’Morning’’, said James, who was getting dressed. ’’We were just heading down for breakfast. Pete’s in the shower. Remus left early. Said he hadn’t slept and he needed coffee.’’

Sirius nodded, stood up and searched the floor for clothes. The memories of last night were coming back to him, and for a few moments, he was wondering whether it had happened or not, but then he looked in the mirror, saw his swollen eyes, and it became clear to him that it had. He wondered if Remus had stayed in his bed or if he had gone back after Sirius fell asleep.

’’You look like shit’’, said James, who had noticed the same thing. ’’Didn’t you sleep, either?’’

’’I did’’, said Sirius. ’’Just... dreamt a lot.’’

’’You’re having nightmares again?’’

’’It’s not that bad, I swear.’’

James looked at him incredulously. ’’Come to me if it gets worse again, will you?’’

’’Of course’’, said Sirius lightly, avoiding his gaze. He got dressed and put on the watch that had once belonged to Mr. Potter’s brother.

When Peter was ready, the three of them went down to the Great Hall, and sat down next to a reading Remus Lupin who barely acknowledged their arrival.

’’Hello’’, he said finally, without looking up from _The Daily Prophet_. ’’Slept well?’’

’’Well, _we_ did’’, said James and made a gesture pointing at Peter and himself. ’’Not so much Sirius.’’

Remus took his time to fold the newspaper and put it away before looking up at Sirius. ’’You okay?’’

’’Yeah’’, Sirius mumbled and avoided Remus _I-can-see-right-through-you-_ gaze. ’’You didn’t sleep at all, I heard.’’

’’Up stressing about school, were you?’’ said James with an upset voice. ’’Goddammit, Remus, what have I told you? Anyway, I was thinking last night, and I reached the conclusion that it’s time to put an end to this general bad mood that’s been hanging around like a dark cloud lately, so we should do something fun.’’

’’I thought your prank-pulling-days were over’’, said Remus.

 _’’Never’’,_ said James, ’’I just turned to other, more sophisticated methods.’’

’’What do you _mean?’’_ said Sirius. ’’Is changing colour of the Slytherins’ hair not sophisticated enough for you?’’

James lowered his voice. ’’Listen, there’s a liquor store in Hogsmeade – ’’

’’I like where this is heading’’, said Sirius.

’’ – and I thought it would be fun to throw our own little party tomorrow. Sneaking out of the castle is not a challenge anymore, but we’re all underage, so we can’t just go in and buy.’’

’’Why don’t you just ask someone older?’’ said Remus. ’’Like your quidditch captain. He loves you.’’

’’First of all, Johnson wouldn’t even let me eat a muffin because he thought it would lower my capacity on the field’’, said James. ’’Secondly, even if we find someone, we can’t really make them sneak out at night with us.’’

’’You could just ask him to go in to the store for you at day’’, said Remus.

’’What’s the fun in that?’’ said James.

’’Well, do you have another plan?’’ said Sirius.

’’They have a cat’’, said James. ’’The owners of the store. Last time, I saw a cat flap.’’

’’We’ll never get in through a cat flap’’, said Peter. Three pair of eyes turned to him. ’’Oh, no. Oh, _no.’’_

’’You’re gonna _rob_ them?’’ said Remus.

’’We’ll leave some money’’, said James. ’’I do have morals.’’

’’How am I supposed to get the bottles out?’’ said Peter.

’’We’ll find a way’’, said James and sipped his orange juice. ’’The great thing is that even if they have put up alarm charms, they won’t go off, because it’s only a rat. We’ll talk about it later. Too much people here.’’

They had their breakfast with relaxed chatter. Sirius was not really paying attention. He threw a glance at Remus, who was undeniably sleep deprived, but when he saw Sirius looking, he smiled a little. Sirius remembered last night’s event and immediately looked away.

’’I need to talk to you’’, said Remus with a low voice.

 _Fuck,_ thought Sirius, who would rather forget about it. James looked up, slightly confused, if not surprised.

’’We can go’’, he said and nudged Peter.

’’I didn’t mean to kick you two ou–’’

’’Actually’’, said Sirius, who would rather keep his nightly breakdown in the smallest circle possible, ’’do you mind?’’

’’Not at all’’, said James and smiled at them. ’’I’ll see you before class?’’

He and Peter left the Great Hall and Sirius immediately turned to Remus.

’’Thank you’’, he said. ’’You really helped me last night, but listen, I don’t want you to think that I’m falling down the dark hole again or having a breakdown or something –’’

’’Of course I don’t’’, said Remus, astonished.

’’And I didn’t want to talk about it with James because he always overreacts –’’

’’I won’t tell him.’’

’’So we don’t need to talk about it either because I swear to God I want nothing else than for my friends to just look at me like a normal person who’s _not_ on the verge of a breakdown or a constant emotional roller coaster –’’

’’Slow down’’, said Remus. ’’I have no idea where this is coming from, I don’t look at you like that, no one does, I promise.’’

’’Right’’, said Sirius slowly. ’’Right, sorry. Sorry, I – thank you.’’

’’Nothing to thank me for’’, said Remus and poured milk in to his third cup of coffee.

’’Just a lot on my mind. What did you want to talk to me about?’’

Remus looked up at him. A few seconds passed before he answered. ’’Nothing. Just wanted to make sure you’re fine.’’

 

 

The first hours of the day passed incredibly slowly, and when it was time for lunch and free period, James went out for a run while Remus sat down to study and Peter had one of his necessary extra lessons with Flitwick.

Sirius was torn between going with James or joining Remus in the library, but he knew that James would have to slow down for him if they ran together, and if he chose to study with Remus, he would most definitely find a way to annoy him as well. Instead, he ended up walking around the castle alone, until someone shouted from the other end of the corridor.

’’Hey, _Black!’’_

He turned around to see Lily Evans approach him with quick steps.

’’Evans’’, he said. ’’What brings me the pleasure?’’

’’Shut up’’, said Lily. ’’Where’s Remus?’’

’’Studying’’, said Sirius.

’’Is he all right?’’

’’I haven’t seen him since this morning, but he seemed fine. Tired, but fine.’’

’’Oh, okay, good’’, said Lily. She started walking with Sirius down the corridor. ’’I’ve been a little worried about him lately, he hasn’t been himself.’’

’’I know that’’, said Sirius, slightly annoyed by how Lily was suddenly acting as if she was closer to Remus than he and the others were.

’’Especially last night, and then after he talked to your brother he seemed really upse –’’

 _’’What?’’_ said Sirius and stopped walking so quickly that Lily walked right in to his shoulder. ’’Remus talked to Regulus? When?’’

Lily looked scared.

’’Oh God… I’m sorry, I thought he talked to you… he said he would talk to you immediately –’’

’’Well, he didn’t!’’ said Sirius angrily.

’’Don’t be mad!’’ said Lily sternly. ’’He’s done nothing wrong. It was last night. If he hasn’t talked to you, I bet he had a good reason.’’

Sirius remembered the talk Remus had tried to have with him the same morning. It all made a bit more sense now.  

’’What was it about?’’

’’I really shouldn’t talk to you about this’’, said Lily and looked away. ’’God, Remus is gonna hate me.’’

’’Tell me!’’ Sirius demanded.

’’He’ll talk to you when he can!’’ said Lily.

’’Then why did you come talk to me?’’

’’Because I wanted to check up on Remus without annoying him with more questions, idiot.’’

’’So you wanted me to annoy him _for_ you?’’

’’You’re already annoying him daily.’’

’’I…’’ Sirius began, looking around, trying to figure out which way to go. ’’I gotta go to the library.’’

’’Don’t! He’ll come to you, I’m sure he will.’’

’’Bye, Evans.’’

***

A couple of minutes later, he had found Remus by a table in the library. Sirius plunked down at the chair opposite him, so violently that Remus jumped.

’’Sirius!’’ he exclaimed. ’’You scared me!’’

Sirius crossed his arms without answering. ’’Anything you want to tell me?’’

Remus sighed and put his quill down. ’’How did you find out?’’

’’Does it matter?’’ said Sirius. ’’Why did you go behind my back like that?’’

’’It hasn’t even been twenty four hours’’, said Remus. ’’I didn’t want to tell you at night so you would get all upset, and then this morning I tried to talk to you and you started talking about other things and I didn’t want to make you feel worse. I’m sorry, Padfoot. I was going to talk to you, really.’’

’’Good’’, said Sirius. ’’Speak, then.’’

Remus sighed again, before he bent down to pick something up from his bag. ’’Regulus was in the corridor yesterday. He asked me to give this letter to you.’’

Sirius, who had rarely been more confused, took the envelope Remus handed him and stared at it _. ’S.B’_ was written in the corner.

’’No’’, said Sirius after thinking about it for a couple of seconds. ’’You’re not telling me the whole truth. Even if he didn’t wanna talk to me in person, he could have sent an owl. There was a reason he wanted to talk to you, wasn’t it?’’

Remus squirmed.

’’Remus’’, said Sirius, who was running out of patience. ’’The _truth.’’_

’’Well, he… wanted to talk about you. See how you were doing.’’

’’God, what an idiot. What did you say?’’

’’I said you were fine’’, said Remus, ’’and that you weren’t going to come home, and that he should be happy for you.’’ He tilted his head. ’’He wants to make things right. I don’t know the whole story. But just read the letter. Maybe you should consider giving him another chance. He’s just a kid with a fucked up childhood. Not as strong as his brother.’’

Sirius was still staring at the envelope.

’’I’ve been kind of an arse to him, too’’, he admitted. ’’I didn’t tell you the whole story.’’

Remus stayed quiet, waiting for Sirius to continue.

’’You know the letter?’’ said Sirius. ’’The letter I told mum was mine? It was kind of a love declaration. Meant for a girl. A muggleborn.’’

’’Oh. _Oh.’’_

’’Regulus has told me about the girl, and he was all confused about his feelings because he still agrees with what my parents say about pure blood and blah blah… and apparently he and this girl had been _kind of_ friends in secret and Regulus had been flirting and she had sent some mixed signals and yeah… they never really worked that whole thing out. But then they started sending letters, just friendly letters, until Regulus decided to tell her how he felt. Mum found that letter before he had sent it and I said it was mine so that Reg wouldn’t get in to trouble. But then he ended up throwing insults at me and even spitting at me while dad…’’ Sirius paused and took a deep breath. ’’I was so mad at him, Moony. I was willing to do anything to piss him off.’’

’’Okay’’, said Remus slowly. ’’What did you do?’’

Sirius swallowed. ’’The girl was Marlene. I think you can figure out the rest.’’

 _’’What!?_ ’’ Remus shouted. ’’So you knew? While fooling around with her?’’

’’Horrible, isn’t it?’’ said Sirius bitterly.

’’No’’, said Remus. Sirius looked at him distrustfully. ’’Okay, maybe a little.’’

’’I’m not proud of it’’, said Sirius. ’’But there you go. The whole story.’’

’’Why are you telling me this now?’’

Sirius shrugged. ’’Friends tell each other things. I’ve felt like I lied to you guys.’’

’’What about Marlene, does she know?’’

’’She thinks he just stopped writing.’’

’’God, Sirius! You have to tell her!’’

’’How could I after what I did?’’ Sirius leaned his head in his hand, looking down.

Remus sighed. ’’Honestly, Sirius, do you think you’re special for making mistakes? Your mistakes don’t say shit about you. It’s what you do about them that counts. You can’t undo anything, but it’s time for some damage control.’’

Sirius could not come up with anything to say, and he refused to look up.   

’’Hey, don’t do that’’, said Remus. ’’It’s okay. It apparently doesn’t change anything for Regulus. And I don’t judge you either.’’

’’Of _course_ you do.’’

’’Of course I don’t. I could never imagine what you’ve gone through, Sirius. Who would I be to judge you?’’

Sirius looked up. Remus was giving him a sad smile.

’’It’ll be fine, Padfoot’’, he said. ’’Is there anything I can do?’’

’’Can I… Can I sit here and read the letter?’’

 _’’Of course_ you can, idiot.’’

Sirius opened the envelope and unfolded the letter.

_Dear Sirius,_

_Freaked out. Fucked up. I’m sorry. Again. And I’m not mad at you. I deserved it. Please just tell me what to do to make this right. I miss you terribly._

 

Sirius sighed and put the letter in his pocket.

’’That was a short letter’’, said Remus.

’’Regulus is not a man of words’’, said Sirius.

’’What are you gonna do?’’

’’Nothing right now. Need some time to think.’’

’’That was an uncharacteristic move.’’

’’Don’t wanna do anything I’ll regret.’’

’’Wise.’’ Remus looked at him. ’’It was Lily who told you about yesterday, wasn’t it?’’

’’Yes, but don’t get mad at her, because she thought I already knew, and she only talked to me because she wanted to ask about you. She said you were upset after you talked to him. Why were you, by the way?’’

’’Because he knows about my illness’’, said Remus with a low voice.

Sirius slammed his fist in the table so loudly that people several tables away looked up. _’’What?! How?’’_

’’I don’t know, said he figured it out himself. He said he wouldn’t tell. I trust him.’’

 _’’Never_ trust a Black.’’

’’I’ll keep that in mind. And use it against you.’’

’’I’m sure you will.’’

Free period was almost over, and Remus began to pack up his things. Sirius watched him.

’’I’m sorry I acted all mad at you’’, he mumbled. ’’I was just… scared.’’

Remus hung his bag over his shoulder. ’’Scared?’’

Sirius shrugged. ’’Sometimes it seems like Regulus’ wet dream to split us all up.’’

’’But _you_ know that’s not happening’’, said Remus, smiled and started walking. Sirius followed. _That’s what you think now,_ he thought to himself. _And I hope it stays that way._

James forced Remus to stay at Hogwarts while the others sneaked out that night – partly due to the fact that Remus had no disguise, mostly because Remus fell asleep three times in class before the day was over.

’’Get some sleep’’, James told him. ’’Tomorrow we’ll have fun and then you need to be well rested, all right?’’  

After some convincing, Remus agreed, and he was snoring by the time the rest of the Marauders left the dorm room.

Peter transformed and jumped in to James’ pocket. James threw his cloak over him and Sirius, and after casting a silencing charm, they sneaked out of the common room and headed towards one of the secret passages to Hogsmeade.

Once they got to the store, Peter ran a couple of times back and forth from the cat flap to leave coins at the counter. He managed to bring in the bag stuffed with a pillow that James had prepared, put it on the floor before jumping up on the lowest shelf and pushing down bottles in to the bag. He had some problems pulling the bag back to the door, and Sirius had to throw a feather-light charm throw the flap in order for Peter to get it back.

’’That was easy’’, said James on their way back. ’’Almost lame.’’

’’That’s easy for you to say’’, said Peter angrily. ’’You weren’t chased out by a damn cat!’’

James and Sirius laughed. ’’It was amazing, Peter. You should have seen it from our view.’’

They were back before two, and they all fell asleep immediately, happy with their success.

Friday went by fast.

’’Can’t wait for the weekend’’, said Sirius.

’’Can’t wait to get wasted’’, said Remus and James gave him a proud high five.

Parties were great, and going out was great, but Sirius made a promise to himself to never underestimate the fun in just loosening your tie and making disgusting drinks with your best friends. The relaxed atmosphere that to him was significant to this place, and these people, was finally back, and he was not sure if it was because they were gathered like this for the first time in ages, or because of the firewhiskey from which heat was already rushing through his veins.

They were not even drinking at first – they were experimenting with different mixers while laughing about the past week’s events and the latest gossip – but then they decided to skip the mixers and turn to shots. Shots were boring, so they decided to play the game that Sirius and James had come up with ages ago.

’’We did this when we didn’t know how to bring shit up’’, said James. ’’We found out a lot of information about each other like this, you see. You’ve all played the game before. I can go first – I have to take a shot, tell you all a secret, and then send it forward to the next person. It’s lame at first, but things tend to get deep after a while. You up for it?’’ The others nodded and James emptied the shot glass in front of him. ’’I’m really jealous of Padfoot’s hair. Pete!’’

’’Isn’t everyone?’’ said Sirius while Peter swallowed his drink with a grimace.

’’I’m failing Charms’’, he said. ’’Remus!’’

’’You’re _what?’’_ said Remus, but he saw the impatient looks at him and took a shot. ’’Fine.’’

The secrets that were shouted out were all harmless at first, but soon, things spinned out of control.

’’Remus, you’re turn!’’ said James after taking his fifteenth shot of firewhiskey. Remus reached for a shot glass and swallowed all of the content.

’’I’m not really into Mary Macdonald’’, he admitted. ’’But now everyone thinks I am and I’m not sure what to do about it. Now you know. You go again, Prongs. I want to see how much you can take.’’

James whimpered and took another shot. 

’’Fine! I don’t fancy Lily Evans’’, he slurred. ’’I _love_ her!’’

Three deep sighs. ’’We knew that already, Prongs.’’

’’Okay, I want her to have my babies’’, James added. ’’Happy? Padfoot, you go.’’

He handed Sirius one of the small glasses. 

’’I was never into Marlene McKinnon’’, said Sirius after swallowing. ’’I fucked her because I wanted to get back at Regulus and I knew he liked her.’’

Silence.

’’That’s enough secrets for tonight’’, said Remus softly. James and Peter were just staring.

’’Well, _you_ already knew!’’ Sirius said.

’’What?’’ said James. ’’Why didn’t Peter and I know about it, then?’’

’’Long story’’, said Remus.

’’Short story’’, Sirius corrected him. ’’And I just told you all.’’

’’The important thing is that Sirius and Regulus have both realized their mistakes and will deal with it when they’re ready’’, said Remus. ’’New subject?’’

’’I love Lily’’, said James.

Three deep sighs.

One hour later, they were far beyond the _tipsy-and-a-little-too-honest-_ stage.

’’I _swear’’_ , said Remus from his bed. ’’She’s always so fucking observant, she notices everything that is going on with us four. She cares about you!’’

’’She cares about _you’’,_ said James who was on his back on the floor. ’’You know, lads, I think I have to give up on her. She’s never gonna like me. I ruined it.’’

Sirius, who was walking back and forth with a cigarette in his hand, gave him a gentle kick. ’’You fucking wanker. You’ve never even asked her out.’’

’’But what’s _the point?’’_ said James.

Sirius sighed dramatically. ’’Moony _, talk to him!’’_

 _’’Don’t_ ask her out’’, said Remus. ’’Just show her how nice you _can_ be.’’

’’Remus is right’’, said Peter who was leaning towards his bed. ’’If you acted with her like you act with us, she’d love you. Just be yourself.’’

’’Uggggghhhhhhhh’’, said James.

’’I know’’, said Remus with understanding.

’’Ahh’’, said Sirius. ’’I would never tell you this if I wasn’t this damn… _woops_ …’’ He tripped over James’ schoolbag and almost fell, but managed to gain his balance back within a couple of seconds. ’’…DRUNK, but I really, truly, honestly love you, all of you, so much.’’

’’Awww’’, said James, still on the floor, too drunk and dizzy to move.

’’No, but really!’’ Sirius continued. ’’I mean… Peter…’’ He stumbled over to Peter and made an attempt to sit down next to him, but he fell and landed over the boy’s legs. ’’Wormtail, I might make fun of you a lot, and I know I’m mean to you, but I’m really glad we’re friends.’’

’’Me too, Sirius’’, said Peter, unable to stop laughing.

’’Noo, I mean it!’’ said Sirius. ’’We might not have noticed you at first, and I’m sorry, but you’re really great, I mean, I trust you with my life and I just _know_ that if I ever needed you you would help me and I hope you know that no matter what I would do the same for you.’’

Peter flushed.

’’I’m not done’’, said Sirius. ’’I remember the first time I ever talked to you, see, it was first year and it was at the Hogwarts Express and you walked up to me and – Pete, are you sure you’re feeling all right?’’

Peter was already on his way to the bathroom, crawling.

’’Is he –’’ said James, but he did not have time to finish the sentence until they heard a horribly disturbing noise from the bathroom. ’’Yep, the alcohol is coming up again.’’

’’Poor Pete’’, said Sirius. The door to the bathroom closed and Peter locked the door from the inside. ’’All right – James! My pal! My brother! What would I _do_ without you?’’

’’Will you cry?’’ said James. ’’You always cry when you’re drunk and emotional.’’

’’I’m not drunk and emotional!’’ Sirius slurred. He crawled over to James. ’’Just drunk and seizing this moment to declare my appreciation to all of you before I’m too sober.’’

’’Then go ahead’’, James laughed.

’’You – are – my – best – friend!’’ said Sirius, patting James on the cheek with every word. ’’And I remember the first time I saw you and I just KNEW that you were something extra and at the time I didn’t know what love or friendship was and I was bitter and I was mad at the whole world, but you, mate, you were my first exception.’’

 _’’Awww’’_ , said James, lovingly, ’’really? You mean that?’’

’’Really!’’ said Sirius. ’’I just knew from the start that I didn’t need to be all _defensive_ with you, you know? It’s was the first time I was just always _comfortable_ with someone, without exceptions. You’ve had so much patience with me. I don’t know how you do it. I’ve been such a pain in the ass and you’ve just dealt with it. Sometimes it feels like you know me better than I know myself. It’s annoying sometimes. You act all cocky because you think you know something and I say you’re wrong and then you always turn out to be right. Like when I said I didn’t miss my brother. Or when I said I could handle things at home the way they were. Or when I procrastinate for wayyy too long and you warn me but I don’t listen. But you never say ’I told you so’. And… James? James, are you falling asleep?’’

He heard a loud snore and sighed.

’’Did I bore him?’’ said Sirius.

’’Considering how much firewhiskey he had’’, said Remus, ’’I don’t think he needed someone to bore him in order to fall asleep.’’

Sirius stood up on unstable legs. ’’Ah, Remus.’’ He walked over to the bed. Remus made some space and Sirius plunked down. ’’You’re my favourite.’’

’’Oh, really?’’ said Remus, laughing. 

’’Mmmm’’, said Sirius. ’’I don’t get how you do it. I don’t know how you put up with us. You’re so different.’’ He could see Remus squirm. ’’Not in a bad way! I just meant… it’s like you’re too good for us. Too pure.’’

’’Too _pure_?’’

’’Well, not really, because let’s face it, you can be the worst and most mischievous Marauder of us all – but you’re so _good_ to everyone! It’s like someone can punch you in the face and you would be like, _’hey, your hands are so soft, what’s your secret?’_ And if someone is mean to you, you just immediately blame yourself and I hate it, I hate it, and I hate that you don’t see yourself the way we see you and I hate that you can’t love yourself the way we love you.’’

Remus was flushing adorably. ’’Stop talking, Padfoot. You don’t have to babble just because you said things to Peter and James.’’

’’Dammit!’’ Sirius yelled. ’’Can’t you just accept what I’m saying for once? Don’t you trust me? If not, then look at James. You know James – he loves wholeheartedly, he hates wholeheartedly, it’s impossible to get close to him, but once you’re there, you’re there forever. We wouldn’t keep you if we didn’t absolutely adore you. Everyone does.’’

’’Stop it’’, said Remus again, laughing while looking slightly tortured. ’’You wouldn’t be saying this if you weren’t drunk.’’

’’Probably not’’, said Sirius, ’’but it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t think it.’’

Remus sighed. ’’You’re great too, Padfoot. Go to bed now, you’re hammered.’’

’’No!’’ said Sirius and rolled a little closer. ’’Let me appreciate you, for fucks sake! You never listen! I _do_ think you’re brilliant and you have this empathy that is just… _inhumane._ I have no idea how you can _always_ manage to see the good in people, but you do, you see the good in everyone but yourself.’’

’’Maybe it’s because I’m nothing special’’, said Remus, looked away and turned even more red, although still giggling because of the alcohol.

’’You are _amazing_ ’’, said Sirius and stared at Remus until the boy met his eyes. A few moments of silence passed before Remus started giggling again.

’’You’re pretty’’, he said suddenly. It was quiet for a couple of seconds and Remus’ eyes widened when he realized what he had said, before he started full out laughing. Sirius did not laugh, but he was smiling widely. It felt as if the tiny door that usually stopped his thoughts from coming out through his mouth was wide open and he was not interested in nor able to do anything about it.

’’You’re beautiful’’, he whispered and put his hand on Remus’ cheek before he could think. Either it was warm, or Sirius was just cold, but either way the heat spread to his body, and was it just him or was Remus a lot closer than he had been a couple of seconds ago?

’’I’m _not,_ you’re drunk.’’

’’I _am_ drunk’’, said Sirius, ’’but I’m still right.’’

’’Black –’’

’’Lupin!’’

Pause. Giggling.

’’Pretty.’’

’’Beautiful.’’

’’We shouldn’t be saying these things.’’

’’Says who?’’

’’The sober Remus in the back of my head.’’

’’Well, tell him to go fuck himself. What if I think you're gorgeous?’’

He was not sure who initiatied it, or if they both did, but suddenly, his lips were pressed to Remus’ - it started with a quick peck, _for the hell of it,_ Sirius thought, but then there was kissing and fumbling and Remus’ hand around Sirius’ waist and Sirius’ hand in Remus’ hair and Remus’ teeth biting Sirius’ lip and Sirius pulling Remus closer with his leg and _damn,_ the alcohol sure made snogging better, because Sirius’ world was spinning and he was afraid that he was about to turn blind because it was all so overwhelming. Sirius must have forgotten how it felt to be like this, just completely caught up with another human for a few seconds, because he had no memory of it feeling like _this._

And then there was more giggling and handholding and pulling each other closer and Sirius' nose gently nudged Remus’. ’’Beautiful’’, he mumbled one more time, before he fell asleep.

 

 


	9. Let's be brave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alcohol can be a bitch. So can lychantropy. Remus and James finally get some answers about what happened last full moon.

_**February 1976** _

_**(Remus)** _

 

Remus was afraid to open his eyes. He felt as if the world might actually blind him. Even though he was thirsty and uncomfortable and his whole body ached, he felt unwilling to move, too tired to take a deep breath.

But then his werewolf senses kicked in and picked up a familiar scent he was _not_ used to feel so strongly in his own bed – and when he carefully squinted and saw a black mane of hair right in front of him, some images from the night before began to come back with the sensation of a gentle punch in Remus’ stomach.

Fumbling hands and soft lips in the dark.

Had he kissed Sirius? Or had Sirius kissed him? Either way, it was _bad_ and he needed to escape the situation as soon as possible. He made an attempt to roll out of bed, but realized a little too late that Sirius arm was around him, and that he just woke the boy up.

’’Fuck’’, Sirius mumbled. ’’My head.’’

Maybe Sirius wouldn’t remember, Remus thought to himself, with millions of other thoughts rushing through his mind. After all, Sirius had had a lot more to drink than the others. But even if he had no memory of the last minutes before he fell asleep – including the kiss – would he not be curious about why he woke up in Remus’ bed? Besides, what kind of person would Remus be if he kept it a secret from him?

Sirius opened his eyes. ’’You alive?’’

’’Barely’’, said Remus. Sirius yawned and pulled his arm away to take a look at his watch.

’’Breakfast closes in twenty’’, he said. ’’Are the others awake?’’

’’I don’t know’’, said Remus. Sirius sat up in bed and stretched his neck.

’’Let’s wake them up, then.’’ He turned around and looked at Remus. ’’What’s wrong?’’

’’Do you… do you remember what happened?’’ 

An unpleasant noise was made from Sirius back as he cracked it. ’’We made out, didn’t we?’’

’’Y-yes’’, said Remus. Sirius stood up, looking for his shoes. ’’Sirius, I’m sorry – ’’

’’If I remember it correctly’’, said Sirius, ’’which I probably don’t, by the way – I initiated it as much as you did.’’

’’Well’’, said Remus with a tone of panic in his voice. ’’Should we – should we talk about it?’’

’’Why are you so upset, Moons?’’ said Sirius. ’’It’s not a big deal. Don’t worry.’’

’’But – I kissed you!’’

’’Doesn’t mean anything. You’ve never been that drunk.’’ He finally looked right at him. ’’We were hammered. We made out. James and I’ve done it, too.’’

’’Really?’’

’’Of course.’’ Sirius shrugged. ’’We don’t have to tell anyone if you’re uncomfortable.’’

’’Okay’’, said Remus. His heart was pounding so hard that he was afraid Sirius might actually hear it. ’’Let’s just forget it.’’

’’Consider it forgotten.’’ Sirius found one of his shoes on the floor, lifted the cover that had fallen to the floor, and found the other one there. He went over to James who was still passed out and kicked him gently. ’’Hey, Potter. Breakfast.’’

’’Sod _off_ ’’, James whined as he woke up.

’’Where’s Pete?’’ said Sirius, ignoring James’ comment. ’’Still in the bathroom? Poor boy.’’

’’I’ll go check on him’’, said James and made an effort to sit up. ’’Everything _hurts_. Why did you let me sleep here?’’

’’Sirius was mad because you fell asleep in the middle of his love declaration’’, said Remus.

’’That is true’’, said Sirius.

’’Fuck all of you’’, said James and crawled in to the bathroom.

As soon as James was gone and a few quiet seconds had passed, Sirius turned to Remus again. ’’Moony? Are you upset?’’

’’No, Padfoot. I’m not upset.’’ Remus had stood up, too, and he had his eyes on his reflection in the mirror while fixing his tie. He could see Sirius staring at him, but he stubbornly kept his eyes on the tie.   

’’And… can I ask you something?’’

’’Sure.’’ Remus was _not_ sure.

’’It wasn’t your first kiss, was it?’’                    

’’No’’, Remus lied. ’’Why are you asking?’’

’’No reason’’, said Sirius and shrugged. ’’Just thought it would be a shame if you had wasted it on me.’’

’’I thought we said we would forget it.’’

James was back, with his hands around Peter’s leg, pulling the boy after him. 

’’He fell asleep on the bathroom floor’’, he sighed. ’’I can’t wake him up.’’

’’He’s breathing, right?’’ said Remus.

’’No’’, said James. ’’I just pulled the corpse back in here. Honestly, Moony?’’ 

’’I thought maybe you hadn’t checked’’, Remus sighed and walked over to Peter. ’’Give me a glass of water.’’

Sirius handed him the glass on his night table, and Remus emptied it over Peter’s face. The boy immediately woke up, coughing.

’’Drowning me, are you?’’ he mumbled.

’’Great’’, said Sirius. ’’You’re up. Let’s go.’’

Peter took a few seconds to gather but he finally managed to stand up, and they all began to fix their ties, hair, and shoes. Remus felt a warm hand on his back and turned around.

’’You okay?’’ said James. Until then, Remus had been too caught up with kisses and secrets and trying to get his pulse down, but now he remembered and his heart sunk. It was also a reminder that the hangover was clearly not the only reason he felt so bad.

The purpose of the whole thing became obvious: of course James had made sure to throw a great last party night in case today was the day when things would fall apart. Maybe it had been the last great night ever.

’’Yes’’, he smiled. ’’Are you?’’

’’Hungover’’, said James, but Remus could see the fear in his eyes. ’’But… you usually feel a little ill around full moon, don’t you?’’

’’You look pale, Moony’’, said Peter.

’’I’m always pale’’, said Remus. He could not stand to look at James any longer, so he walked away and pretended to fumble with something in his trunk. He could almost feel the exchange of worried looks behind his back.

At least the kiss felt like a stupid thing to worry about now, he thought as they walked down to breakfast. Sirius seemed unbothered, and Remus decided to not let it bother him, either. They had been drunk. Sirius and James had done the same. It meant nothing. It did not matter who had initiated it or who had kept it going or what they had thought about it. The whole thing suddenly felt so distant, anyway. Remus glanced at James and prayed to God that he was wrong when he thought the boy looked a bit paler than usual. 

The Great Hall was almost empty when they sat down. Remus began by drinking a whole cup of coffee in only a couple of seconds. It was still too hot. He did not care.

’’Let’s not ignore what’s going on’’, said James. ’’I’m sorry, but I need to talk about it. What should I feel right now? If… _you know?’’_

’’I usually get tired’’, Remus mumbled. ’’Weak. And anxious. The wolf is closer to the surface, so I can get a bit impulsive. Sometimes aggressive. You know it, you’ve all seen it already.’’

James was making nervous hand movements, looking concentrated as if he was evaluating his own behaviour the past few days.

’’Isn’t it the wrong day to tell, anyway?’’ said Sirius. ’’You’re hungover, and you might as well be anxious just because you worry about it.’’

’’I just thought, is it just me or is Lily _exceptionally_ hot today? Remus, you told me you always get horny around full moon.’’

’’I have never said that.’’

’’No, I read it somewhere. But is it true?’’

’’In your case, it would be _hornier’’,_ said Remus.

’’But it’s true?’’ said James again. ’’C’mon Moony, it’s just us.’’

Remus sighed. ’’Yes. Sometimes.’’

’’So you wank more the days before?’’ asked Peter.

’’If you must know’’, said Remus, ’’I usually don’t have the energy.’’

’’So you just walk around all sexually frustrated?’’

’’Believe it or not, that’s not the main thing I worry about when I’m about to turn into a blood thirsting beast.’’

’’…’’

’’God, I just want to put her on a table and braid her hair and feed her cake’’, said James who had his eyes fixed at Lily at the other side of the room.

’’Is this what horny James looks like?’’ said Remus with a raised eyebrow. Peter laughed loudly. James looked up and flushed.

’’After I did other things to her, of course.’’

’’You’re such a gentleman when it comes to Evans’’, said Sirius. ’’I don’t get it.’’

’’Well, you couldn’t be a gentleman to save your life’’, said James. 

’’Lies!’’ said Sirius, deeply offended.

And somehow, they got through that day, too. There was a strange atmosphere, and Remus could not tell if he wanted time to pass fast or slow: he feared the moon more than ever, yet the waiting was unbearable and he could sense how James got more and more restless. He stayed in bed for most of the day, doing some unnecessary studying, and Peter brought him hot chocolate and James told bad jokes as if it was any other day before full moon, but Sirius was not even close to being as talkative as usual. Instead he spent the majority of the day in his bed with the book Remus had given him for Christmas.

And then the night came, and Remus was standing alone in the Shrieking Shack as three boys stumbled in over the threshold and closed the door behind them.

’’How long?’’ said Remus. James looked at his watch.

’’Five minutes.’’

Remus nodded. ’’I’d take that off by the way, if it means something to you.’’

James turned white, but he nodded, took of his watch and handed it to Sirius. Remus turned away - he could not stand to look at them and their pitying faces. He thought about the night that could be waiting around the corner: he thought about the pain and suffering that was habit to him by now. He thought about his first transformation as a child: how the undescribable pain had cut through every part of him so brutally that he thought his soul would snap. He would not want to bring it on his worst enemy, and now he had, except the victim was his best friend.

He tried to focus on deep breaths as his heart was pounding and the familiar sensation of being about to throw up was back.

’’Look at me, mate’’, said a low voice behind him and he turned around to meet the hazel eyes watching him.

’’I’m sorry’’, Remus whispered.

James tried to find the words, and he failed. He took Remus’ hand.

’’You’re shaking’’, he said and looked up again. Remus felt a tear escape his eye, and he cursed himself, closing his eyes, feeling his whole body tense.

’’Are you scared?’’ he asked James. ’’Don’t answer that. I can smell it. You’re terrified.’’

He felt James squeeze his hand harder.

’’Yes’’, he admitted. They were still whispering, both of them. ’’Are you?’’

’’Y-yes’’, Remus stuttered. ’’I don’t want you to know what it feels like… I don’t want you to go through it…’’

A gentle thumb wiped away the lonely tear.

’’I know you’re the fighter here’’, said James. ’’But I can be pretty damn strong, too.’’ 

’’Make it stop’’, Remus pleaded. Everything was getting more intense – he could hear the seconds passing by from the watch that Sirius had hid somewhere, he could _feel_ the wolf getting closer. ’’Make it stop, make it stop –’’

 _’’Schh’’,_ James said, trying to calm him down. ’’Please, don’t get upset.’’

’’I’m not ready –’’

’’We’re in this together.’’

Suddenly the room felt smaller and Remus wanted to hide, or flee, or just get away from there, because there was no air and he was slowly suffocating and he knew that he would walk straight into hell and pull his best friend with him and there was no way he could escape and his head was filled with _chaos._

’’I’m so sorry…’’

’’Stay calm’’, James whispered, but his voice was breaking. Remus opened his eyes. 

’’Make it stop’’, he hissed again. ’’Make it stop, I don’t want to, I don’t want to…’’

’’If I could, I would’’, said James. ’’Just stay calm, or it will get worse.’’ He pulled Remus into a hug. ’’It’ll be all right, I promise, one way or another.’’

But it would not be all right. It was not all right. James words drowned in the sound of Remus’ own heartbeat, and his senses seemed to fly away – he could no longer feel James’ arms hugging him. His mind was somewhere else, while his physical shape was struggling for its life.

’’Breathe’’, James whispered from far away. ’’Just breathe, Moony.’’

’’I’m sorry, James –’’

’’Don’t be!’’ He let go of Remus and held his head between his hands. ’’I love you, man, even if I transform tonight!’’

Remus could not speak, nor breathe, nor think, but he knew that he _had_ to or the wolf might be even more aggressive.

His eyes caught Sirius’ across the room. He and Peter was still standing by the doorpost, paralyzed, watching the whole scene. Sirius eyes were wide and worried, but it was still _Sirius,_ who always brought comfort and laughter. Last time, Remus had been able to calm down. He had felt the relief of air in his lungs and the relaxed sleepiness that always hit him after an attack. He tried to think of that moment – focusing on how Sirius’ breathing had felt under his palm. Deep, calm breaths.

He gained his senses back although the panic was still rushing through every inch of him. He threw his arms around James again.

’’I love you too’’, he said, ignoring all rules about guy friends because it was true, he did love the caring, arrogant, and very defensive, but brilliant piece of shit that had his arms around him – it was his best friend who always made sure to bring him sandwiches or extra sweaters, and had loved him unconditionally, and Remus understood now that he could never live with knowing that he had hurt him.  

’’One minute’’, said Sirius.

Remus and James stood up. They took their shirts and pants off.

’’Should Wormtail and I leave you boys to some alone time?’’ said Sirius with a smirk. James and Remus stared at him. ’’Not the time? Okay, sorry…’’ He went up to his friends, hugged them, and took James’ glasses to put them away. ’’Whatever happens, Wormtail and I will be here.’’

The second later, he was replaced by a huge, black dog, and the boy in the doorpost was gone. A loud squeek was heard. James looked at Remus and grabbed his hands again.

’’This is it. Whatever happens. Marauders forever.’’

Remus could feel his chest hurting again, as if his lungs had just closed down.

’’Marauders forever’’, he mumbled. It felt as if seconds had never passed this fast. ’’I don’t… I don’t want to…’’

’’I know you don’t’’, said James. His arms were shaking violently now. ’’But we need to be brave.’’ 

Remus clenched James’ hands and prayed to the God his mother had always told him about that he would enter this hell alone.

’’Let’s be brave’’, James whispered, and then the pain hit Remus as a thousand knives stabbing him at once and he tried to breathe his way through it, distancing himself, but there was no way to escape.

The last thing he saw was a couple of human hazel eyes.

 

 

A blanket was wrapped around him. Every muscle in his body was sore. He considered eternally refusing to get up. But then he _remembered,_ and he could not wait another second to find out –

He squinted, and the first thing he saw was the black mess that was James’ hair. The boy was laying next to him, facing Remus. His heart sunk for a second before he realized that James looked whole and calm, he was wearing his normal clothes, and his eyes glittered through the glasses as he noticed that Remus had woken up.

’’No werewolf?’’ Remus mumbled.

’’No werewolf’’, James said and Remus felt the lump of anxiety inside him just _die_ as they both sat up and he threw himself over his friend, forgetting all about sore limbs and painful movements. The relief was so overwhelming that actual tears were brought to his eyes, and he hugged James so hard he was afraid his spine might snap. Then he heard James sobbing, too, and they both completely lost it.

’’Thank God’’, Remus stuttered, unable to see because of the tears and the messy hair.

’’Thank God’’, James repeated. ’’I was so scared –’’

’’Me too, I thought – ’’

’’It’s over now.’’

And they cried because they were relieved and they laughed because they were happy and it all became bizarre but it did not matter because James was whole and holding him and he was human and he was _fine._

’’Shit, Moony’’, said James. ’’I’ve never seen you sit up this soon after a full moon.’’

’’I just remembered the reason’’, said Remus, whose entire body was protesting against the sudden movement. James laughed and helped Remus lay back down, and then they cried and laughed a bit more.

’’Pomfrey must be here any second’’, said James when the worst sobs had died out. ’’The others sneaked back. I’ll see you in the hospital wing. Get some rest.’’

Remus nodded and smiled. James stood up, searched the floor for his cloak and disappeared into nothing. 

The rest of that morning was all in a blur. Remus woke up again in the hospital wing around noon. No one else was there, he was left alone with his thoughts. Even though he was still in pain, he was just happy that James was not in the hospital bed next to his.

And once the potential infection was out of the way, the incident from last Friday suddenly seemed important again.

 _You heard Sirius,_ he told himself. _It meant nothing._

The thought did not give him comfort, as he had expected. Quite the opposite, really. How come Sirius was so unbothered when Remus was not?

 _Because he made out with tons of people,_ he reminded himself. _People get drunk and make out with their best friends everyday. It’s not a big deal to everyone just because you’re new._

His friends had showed up twice, and both times, Sirius had seemed so casual that Remus felt the urge to, in spite of his aching body, stand up and hit the boy with a chair. Repeatedly. It was unfair, it was unfair that he was laying there, drowned in thoughts and anxiety, and Sirius did not even care to look at him. But then he felt guilty – after all, Sirius had a lot of other things on his mind.

Remus decided to make sure that he had, too.

He got out of the hospital wing the same night.

’’Lily!’’ he shouted when he saw her red mane disappear up the stairs to the girls’ dorm room. She turned around.

’’Remus, are you feeling better?’’

’’Yes. I made a stupid decision and if I were you I would be quiet until I’m done because there’s a great chance I’ll change my mind.’’

’’Speak.’’

’’You asked me if you could read something.’’

’’Something? _Oh,_ something that you’ve wr –’’

’’I wrote a book’’, said Remus. ’’Not that long.’’

 _’’What?_ Just like that?’’

’’Took me six months, if that’s what you mean.’’

’’Would you really let me – ’’

Remus pulled up the folder from his bag. ’’Would you want to? No pressure, I swear.’’

’’Give me!’’ Lily took it from his hands. ’’Really? I can’t wait, Remus, thank you…’’

’’I guess it’s crazy day today. Don’t make me regret this.’’

She threw his arms around him.

’’Thankyouthankyouthankyou! I bet it’s great!’’

’’Don’t say anything before you’ve read it’’, said Remus. ’’Thank you. And now walk away quickly before I realize this is a stupid idea.’’

She let go of him, kissed him on the cheek and ran away. When he got up to his room, three heads turned immediately.

’’Yes’’, he said. ’’It’s me, the wolf. I’m alive. Pomfrey let me out early.’’

’’Not why we’re staring’’, said a wide-eyed Peter.

’’What?’’ said Remus.

 _’’What is that?’’_ said James.

’’What are you –’’ He turned to see his reflection and spotted a lipstick mark on his cheek. He wiped it off. ’’Oh, that. No, it was only L –’’

He turned back. It was too late.

’’Goddammit!’’ James exclaimed and plunked down on his bed.

’’Nonono!’’ said Remus desperately. ’’I just… gave her my notes from an Arithmancy class she missed and she – I’m sorry, James, I’ll stop talking to her if you want me to, I will.’’

’’Don’t you have prefect duties and stuff?’’ said Peter.

’’…outside prefect duties and stuff’’, Remus added.

’’Of course not, you idiot’’, said James. ’’I’m not mad at you, so stop apologizing. I just wish…’’

’’…she was leaving lipstick marks on you instead? Yeah, I know.’’ Remus sat down next to him. ’’Me too, if it helps.’’

’’Just… tell me if there’s something else between you two, will you?’’

’’I _promise_ there isn’t.’’

’’But still. You’re not immune to pretty girls, Remus.’’

Remus sighed.

Peter gave him a friendly nod.

Sirius was busy packing his school bag. Remus watched him for a few seconds and decided that he was _not_ mad at him. After all, Sirius was handling it maturely while Remus was acting like a baby. Sirius had been right. Remus had never had that much to drink before. Drunk people did stupid, meaningless things all the time, and Remus would be naive to think that he was the exception.

Besides, he doubted that he would ever be able to stay mad at Sirius anyway.  

 


	10. Fix it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The longer you stick your head in the sand, the more you have to deal with once you're back. Sirius learns the hard way.

**_February 1976_ **

**_(Sirius)_ **

 

’’Enough.’’

Sirius looked up.

’’I haven’t said anything.’’

’’I know. You’ve been awfully quiet lately. It’s not like you.’’

’’Well’’, Sirius sat up on his bed. ’’I thought you enjoyed the silence for once.’’

A week had passed since full moon and it had probably been the messiest week of Sirius life. It had _not_ helped that Remus was basically always around, that Regulus was giving him miserable stares over the tables in the Great Hall, or that James had been questioning him constantly.

Peter was at his extra lesson, Remus was God knows where, and Sirius had been stupid enough to go with James to the dorm room without expecting it to turn in to a trial.

James sighed. ’’You’re keeping something from me and it’s getting annoying. And it’s not just you. Moony does it, too. You’ve both been weird lately! You didn’t even look at him last week hospital wing! Did you two fight? Why won’t you talk to me about it?’’

It was Sirius’ turn to sigh. ’’We didn’t fight, Prongs. We’re not keeping you out of anything.’’

’’But you have to admit there’s _something?’’_ Sirius did not answer. ’’What the hell, Sirius?’’

’’Just – ’’ Sirius shook his head. ’’I’m sorry, you’re just gonna have to trust me on this one. It’s nothing.’’

’’No!’’ said James stubbornly.

’’I appreciate that you care, but this time, I don’t need it.’’

’’First of all, you always say that, second of all, I worry just as much about Moony.’’

’’Then annoy him instead!’’

’’I can’t – you know I can’t! Besides, you’re the one who’s acting all strange – you barely answered him today at lunch and you strayed off by yourself instead of studying with us during free period. Even if _you_ don’t care enough to solve it, I know it’s hurting him.’’

’’Then _he_ can come talk to me!’’

’’Are you _twelve?_ ’’ said James. ’’Has something happened or not?’’

_’’Not!’’_

’’So I just got it all wrong?’’

’’Well, you must have.’’

’’Then it’s strange that Peter got the same impression.’’

’’Great – so now you’re talking about us?’’

’’Well, it’s impossible to talk _to_ you!’’

’’I’m leaving.’’

’’We’re not done!’’

’’You’re not my mother, James, sorry.’’

’’I’m… I’m done with all the secret-keeping!’’ said James miserably. ’’It’s like – we’re not the same anymore! You don’t trust me and Moony doesn’t talk and Peter is all confused and everyone is hiding stuff.’’

’’It’s been a rough year for everyone.’’ Sirius shrugged. ’’Let it go, James.’’

He grabbed his jacket and left the dorm room.

The second the door shut behind him, he regretted it. He imagined a scenario where James would keep something like this from him, thinking that it was none of Sirius’ business. Besides, James would always be James. Wonderfully caring, utterly defensive.

Sirius turned around and raised his hand to the doorknob, before he changed his mind again and decided that a walk would be good for him anyway.

He headed down to the lake. It was sunny, but still February and therefore freezing, and he could feel his nose getting red almost immediately. When he reached one of the benches, he sat down, lighting a cigarette, taking a drag.

It was a week ago today.

Intoxication and kissing, regret and questions.

Even though the memory of the makeout-session in Remus’ bed was somewhat blurry, Sirius could still recall the feeling in great detail. Snogging, he told himself, had that effect on people, and so did alcohol. He had thought that it was _fun –_ because it was Remus, he was comfortable with Remus, and he had missed that feeling of just being the centre of somebody else’s universe for a while. Besides, Remus was a wonderful kisser and he had moved his hands over Sirius’ body in a way that the girls never had. Maybe it was just because Sirius knew Remus so well, but he was touching something way beyond Sirius’ body, and Sirius could still recall some parts of it clearly. For one moment, Remus had gently put his palm on Sirius’ waist, and then it had slid down to his back, and Sirius had felt his fingertips slowly brush against him – and it had felt more intimate than any blowjob Sirius had ever gotten.

He means a lot to me, Sirius had explained it to himself, but then he had thought about the morning after in the shower: what he had done, and the thoughts that had run through his head while he was doing it, and he felt guilty and ashamed when realizing that he had enjoyed the drunk mistake maybe a little too much, or at least in the wrong way.

And Remus had no idea.

He was not even the first bloke that Sirius had kissed – he still remembered his birthday in fourth year; James and him, way too young but terribly intoxicated in the common room. Sirius knew already then that he was different, but James palm was on his cheek and they had kissed each other hard. It had been a fun thing that had marked their transition from ’’best bros’’ to ’’unconditional, shameless and lifelong friendship’’. There was no shame in it, no secrets, just an endless number of inside jokes, and Sirius had expected the same to happen with Remus, but then he had woken up to Remus’ devastated face, and there was only regret in him. Regret and guilt because Remus did not know that Sirius had thought about kissing boys before he even kissed James.

And this time, it had not been with his ’’best bro’’ in front of a clapping and whistling crowd in the common room, it had been with Remus, late at night, with closed curtains and hands that made Sirius feel things. There was nothing funny about it.

Boys are great, Sirius noted to himself, and if sixteen years had passed without anything changing his opinion, then maybe he had no choice but to accept it. Boys were great and kissing them was even better, and even if acceptance might be the first step on his journey to more boy-kissing, he made a promise that he would curse himself before ever letting one of his best friends become a subject again. Whatever reason Remus had kissed him for, it was definitely not that his raging teenage hormones demanded him to do so. Whatever reason Remus had kissed him for, it had not been so that Sirius could get off to the memory.

And now Sirius had treated him like shit and let him wonder if he had done anything wrong, just because Sirius had been insecure and stupid and guilty.

Something hit the back of his head.

’’Ouch!’’ He turned around and rubbed the spot where the small rock had hit him. ’’What the fuck, Evans?’’

’’Go talk to him!’’ the red haired girl demanded.

’’What?’’

’’Fix it. He misses you.’’

’’Remember the part where I asked you to put your nose in our business? Not? Me neither’’, said Sirius. Lily rolled her eyes and kept walking, but Sirius remembered her words.

_Fix it. He misses you._

As soon as she was out of sight (because obviously, he was not going to let her think she had been right) he sneaked back to the castle and went straight to the library.

 

’’Looking for something?’’

Remus looked up from the bookshelf. When Sirius saw how shocked he was by the fact that Sirius was talking to him, he felt guiltier than ever. ’’Hi’’, Remus answered.

’’I’ve been an arse.’’

Silence.

’’Are you waiting for an answer, or…?’’

’’No’’, said Sirius, terrified as he heard the unusual cold tone in Remus’ voice that must mean they were on very bad terms by now. ’’I wanted to apologize.’’

Remus looked back at the shelf, searching the line of books with his fingertips. ’’Apology accepted.’’

’’What?’’ said Sirius. ’’You’ll forgive me like that?’’

’’Holding grudges against people is a curse on me, not them’’, said Remus lightly.

Sirius sighed and shook his head. ’’You’re not even looking at me, Moony, please.’’

Remus did not answer. Neither did he look up.

’’I’m sorry’’, said Sirius. ’’I’m sorry. I did that thing where I freak out so hard I act like it’s nothing.’’

’’That explains it’’, said Remus quietly.

’’And then I told _you_ it was nothing so I could handle it by myself instead of everything getting all messy but then… I couldn’t. And it got messier. I know it must have been hard for you to try and talk about it and you did and I just waved it off and then I acted all weird. I’m sorry.’’

’’Don’t be.’’

’’Please tell me I can fix this’’, Sirius begged.

’’What is there to be fixed?’’ Remus shrugged. ’’You’ve been avoiding me because you freaked out about what happened last Friday. That’s it. Things will go back to normal.’’

’’But they won’t!’’ said Sirius. ’’Because it happened!’’

’’I know, I was _there_ ’’, Remus said. ’’It’s not a big deal. You said so yourself.’’

’’But what if it _is?’’_

’’It isn’t. It wasn’t a big deal with James, was it?’’

’’No, I mean – we just laughed about it…’’

’’I rest my case.’’

’’But you’re _not_ James.’’ Sirius made wild gestures of hopelessness. ’’You’re not, you and I, we are… we’re so close.’’

’’Unlike you and James?’’ said Remus and raised his eyebrow.

’’In another way than me and James’’, said Sirius. ’’James is like my brother.’’

’’And that makes kissing him _less_ weird?’’

’’You know what I mean!’’

’’What am I, then?’’ said Remus. ’’Your second cousin? Great uncle?’’

’’No!’’ Sirius exclaimed. ’’You’re this… you’re like… my soulmate!’’

Remus just stared at him like he had gone mad, and not until then, Sirius realized how true his statement had been, and with every second that passed, he felt more sure about it, because of the fact that he could tell Remus this, and he could tell him all of the things that he had told him in the common room late at night. He could feel comfortable waking up crying from a nightmare, even though Remus was next to him. He could tell Remus anything and he could show Remus anything. No facades needed. There was this eternal _calm_ that he associated with him that he could never find anywhere else. It was as if they were meant to take care of each other. 

’’What the fuck?’’ said Remus.

’’I… I can’t explain it’’, said Sirius who suddenly lost his grip around the thought that he had been so sure of. ’’But I swear it’s true. You mean so much to me and I never tell you. I wouldn’t forgive myself if I lost you, I can’t lose you, not ever.’’

 _And this is where you should have stopped talking a long time ago,_ said a voice in his head, but he ignored it, because every word that had just come out of his mouth was entirely true.

’’What makes you think you would lose me?’’ said Remus.

’’Everything that’s happened’’, said Sirius. ’’Considering how much shit you’ve had to put up with the past few years, I thought it was only a matter of time. If this didn’t push you over the edge I’m no longer sure there’s an end to your patience.’’

Remus smiled to himself, and then he finally looked up again and met Sirius’ eyes.

’’Sirius, listen – you’re the most important person in my life right now’’, he said, without the slightest trace of hesitation or embarrassment.

’’Really?’’ said Sirius, thinking that this answer was a lot better than he had hoped for.

’’Yes’’, said Remus. ’’And you can’t lose me. Especially not over something stupid like this.’’

Sirius smiled widely.

’’How stupid would it have to be?’’ he asked curiously.

’’I wouldn’t push it.’’

’’Okay then.’’ They looked at each other for a second. ’’Should we… uhm, actually talk about what happened?’’

Remus shrugged. ’’I guess you just told me all those kind things that made me happy and I was so wasted it made me a little overly friendly.’’

’’And I guess I just thought it would be fun.’’

’’Alcohol does that.’’

’’Yes.’’ Sirius tilted his head. ’’Are we cool?’’

’’Absolutely.’’

’’Good. And, by the way… have you told Lily?’’

’’Told Lily what?’’

’’About… you know.’’

Remus shook his head. ’’Nothing. Why would I?’’

Sirius sighed. ’’Just something she said.’’

’’Well, she doesn’t know unless _you_ told her.’’

’’Of course I didn’t.’’

’’I got what I needed.’’ Remus waved the book in his hand. ’’Shall we go?’’

 

On their way back, they could talk normally again, and Sirius felt a huge relief until Remus asked the exact question that Sirius had been expecting.

’’Have you talked to Regulus?’’

’’I knew you would ask’’, said Sirius bitterly. ’’But no.’’

’’Need more time?’’ said Remus.

’’Yes’’, said Sirius. ’’I know he’s toxic, but I kinda miss him. It feels weird that I have no idea what’s going on in his life.’’

Remus nodded understandingly.

’’What would you do?’’ said Sirius helplessly.

’’Doesn’t matter, does it?’’

’’It sure does! You’re wise and shit!’’

Remus sighed. ’’Maybe I would try to see him just casually? Get some coffee or something. Talk like brothers. Don’t get all defensive and fight.’’

’’After all that happened?’’

’’You’re both sorry. Maybe you should start with Marlene. Regardless of what happened between you and your brother, she wasn’t treated fairly, either. She deserves an explanation. And it’ll make it easier for Regulus to let it go if you’ve done what you can.’’

’’Okay, okay, I’ll talk to her.’’ Short pause. ’’You sure you don’t fancy her?’’

’’Oh, Sirius, for the love of God –’’

’’Fine!’’ Sirius raised his hands in a defensive gesture. ’’I just think James had a point. You’re not immune to pretty girls.’’

’’She is pretty, but… no.’’ Remus shook his head.

’’All right.’’ Sirius shrugged. ’’Well, I might as well get it over with. Where is she?’’

’’I saw her in the library.’’

’’Ahh.’’ Sirius stopped. ’’I’ll head back, then.’’

’’I’ll be in the dorm. Good luck.’’

 

Marlene was sitting at a table with Lily, Alice and Mary. She had her nose in a book, but looked up as Sirius approached them, and Sirius noted that something was different – she was usually wearing heavy makeup, with black liner on her eyelids and purple lipstick that was enchanted to never smear. Now her face was naked, and Sirius could see that she still had a beautiful face with a pointy chin and big, dark blue eyes.

’’Black’’, she said and smiled. ’’How are you doing?’’

Lily looked up too, and she sent Marlene a meaningful look telling her that she was ready to jump in at any given second and beat the shit out of Sirius if needed.

’’Marls’’, he said and smiled back. ’’I’m good, I’m good. D’you have a minute?’’

Three heads turned.

’’Sure’’, said Marlene, grabbed her coat and stood up. She noticed the shock in her friends’ eyes and ignored it.

They went outside in silence. Sirius brought up his cigarette pack, handed Marlene one, put one in his mouth and lit them both.

’’What’s up, Sirius?’’ said Marlene and took a puff.

’’Before I say anything’’, said Sirius, ’’I just want you to know that I like you a lot, as a friend, and I never meant to hurt you.’’

’’You didn’t hurt me’’, said Marlene, confused. ’’I told you when we broke things off, it was just a fun thing.’’

’’You don’t know everything’’, said Sirius. ’’I have a confession to make.’’

’’Go ahead.’’

Sirius nodded, gathered courage. ’’I think you know my brother, Regulus.’’

Marlene’s eyes widened.

’’Oh-h?’’

’’Mhm.’’ Sirius took a drag and looked away from Marlene. ’’I know you two had something going on last year, and I know you were writing letters to each other during the summer.’’

’’Don’t tell anyone!’’ Marlene exclaimed.

’’Remus knows’’, Sirius admitted. ’’I won’t tell anyone else, I swear.’’ He leaned to the wall. ’’See, Regulus and I have a really complicated relationship.’’

’’I know.’’

’’This Christmas… things just kept getting more and more tense, but we could still talk. He told me about you two. He wrote you this letter. It was beautiful.’’

’’He stopped writing’’, said Marlene coldly. ’’He just ignored me.’’

’’No, he didn’t’’, said Sirius. ’’Listen, our mum found his last letter. She got really mad…’’

’’Because I’m muggleborn?’’

’’I’m not gonna lie to you, McKinnon, so yes.’’

’’Did they force him to stop writing?’’

’’No, no. They never found out it was him. I just told them it was my letter. I got in some shit for it. Then I had a fight with Reg, too. I moved in with James.’’

’’I heard.’’

’’Regulus must have freaked out or something. My parents probably started checking his mail to make sure I wasn’t trying to contact him.’’

’’But… he could have talked to me’’, she said. ’’He could have talked to me at school.’’

’’Maybe he would’’, Sirius said, sighed and sat down. ’’If I hadn’t been such an arse.’’

Marlene stayed quiet.

’’I don’t know if you remember’’, he continued. ’’But the first night of the semester…’’

’’Oh, God’’, said Marlene when she realized.

’’I’m… I’m so, so sorry’’, said Sirius. ’’I care about you so much, I don’t know what’s wrong with me – I just knew it would hurt him, and I was so upset…’’

’’So you slept with me to piss him off?’’ said Marlene.

’’Yes’’, Sirius whimpered. He buried his face in his hands. ’’God, I feel terrible.’’

’’It’s okay.’’ She shrugged and took a drag of her cigarette. ’’I slept with you to piss him off, too.’’

Sirius just stared, but Marlene had looked away.

’’I’m not proud of it’’, she continued.  ’’I thought you didn’t know about us. Then Regulus didn’t seem to care and it made me angrier. Also… you reminded me so much of him. I feel like shit because I used you. I’m sorry, too.’’

’’So we were both just using each other...?’’

’’Let’s not do that again, shall we?’’

’’Never.’’ Sirius smiled. She smiled back. ’’You really like him, don’t you?’’

’’I did’’, she said. ’’But I guess I fucked that up.’’

’’He’s clearly in love with you. Fix it.’’

’’With him being a Black and all? It would never work.’’

’’It’ll come a day when Regulus realizes it doesn’t matter.’’

Marlene looked away and took another drag. Sirius tilted his head.

’’You okay?’’ he asked.

’’Yeah.’’

’’So, you and him… I was kinda surprised when he told me. He’s a bit young, isn’t he?’’

’’Well, I’m born in August ’60, and he’s born in September ’61, so it’s just one year.’’

’’Still. Thought you went for older.’’

’’Yeah, me too. He’s just… special.’’ She noticed Sirius skeptical facial expression. ’’If anyone would understand, it should be you, Sirius. You’ve seen the good in him, I’m sure.’’

’’I have.’’ He thought about it. ’’Honestly, I think he needs someone like you.’’

’’Someone like me?’’

’’Fearless. Daring.’’ Sirius smirked. ’’Cocky. A bit like me, but with squishy parts.’’

’’Git’’, said Marlene and rolled her eyes, but Sirius could spot a smile pass on her lips.

’’Go get him.’’

’’I don’t think sleeping with his brother gave me the best start.’’

’’No. But if you think it’s worth a shot…’’

’’You’re right.’’ Marlene dropped the cigarette and stepped on it. ’’Thank you for being honest with me. Is there any chance you still have that letter?’’

’’Sorry. Dad threw it in the fire.’’

Marlene nodded. She stood up and kissed Sirius on the cheek.

’’I’ll see you around’’, she said and disappeared.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, lovely readers! Thank you for reading and leaving feedback <3 What do you think about the chapter length? Would you want longer chapters, or shorter, more frequent? I am usually somewhere around 3000 words, but I'm not sure what the perfect amount is for the readers. Please leave your input! Love <3


	11. Save your anger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus gets some feedback on his writing, James overreacts, and Sirius finds comfort in a fellow insomniac.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. This chapter contains spoilers from Oscar Wilde's novel ''The Picture of Dorian Gray''. 
> 
> 2\. I'm a bit curious: Where are my readers from? According to the statistics from fanfiction.net, most of you are from the US (which is why I usually post my chapters late at night here - afternoon for you guys!) 
> 
> 3\. I hope you like this chapter - a lot of dialogue, but the Marauders sure as hell talk a lot, eh?

_**February 1976** _

_**(Remus)** _

 

’’What’s your friend up to? I don’t trust him.’’

’’Weren’t you just in the library?’’ said Remus as he turned around and spotted his friend. He had not even reached the common room yet.

’’I seem to be everywhere today’’, said Lily. ’’Where is he? He came and said he needed to talk to Marlene. Please don’t tell me they’re on again.’’

’’Don’t worry.’’

’’I’m glad I found you, anyway’’, said Lily. She took something up from her bag. ’’I need to talk to you about _this.’’_

Remus looked around quickly to make sure they were out of sight for every living or dead soul.

’’Don’t remind me’’, he said. ’’I regret giving you that.’’

’’But Remus!’’ Lily protested. ’’Why didn’t I know you were so talented!? This is… this is… I read all of it, it was amazing, you need to show someone!’’

’’I showed you’’, said Remus. Her excited face and kind words warmed his heart, but he could feel himself turning red.

’’Not enough!’’ said Lily and banged the script to his chest. ’’You’re sixteen years old and you have produced a fantastic piece of work. Be a little proud!’’

Remus took the script in his hands and looked at it.

’’Now I need to know how it ends!’’ said Lily demanding.

’’Didn’t you read the ending?’’

’’I read the ending, but you need to tell me what happens after.’’

Remus shrugged. ’’I don’t know. This is the ending. This how things end in the real world: they don’t.’’

’’Fine’’, said Lily and sighed. ’’It’s a great story, anyway. The characters are so authentic, the dialogue feels so real, the writing is just… ahh, I couldn’t get enough of it. The plot is so special. Not much happens, but it’s still the most heartbreaking thing when it ends. I feel like I _know_ these characters. I can’t just leave them!’’

Remus laughed. ’’I’m so glad you liked it, Lily, really.’’

Lily watched him for a couple of seconds. ’’It’s a real story, isn’t it?’’

’’It’s fiction.’’

’’Please. No one can write like this if they haven’t been through it. The narrator reminded me so much of you.’’

’’The narrator is a girl.’’

’’So?’’ Remus shook his head but Lily kept staring at him. ’’I’m a character too, am I not?’’

Remus shrugged. ’’Every writer gets inspiration from real life.’’

’’Her name is Rose’’, said Lily. ’’Lily, Rose – seriously? Did you even try to be discreet?’’

’’That’s really far-fetched’’, said Remus. ’’Tons of women are named after flowers.’’

’’It _was_ far-fetched’’, said Lily. ’’But then I started seeing it everywhere. The narrator’s name is Luna!’’

Remus heart froze. ’’So what?’’

’’Oh, come on!’’ Lily rolled her eyes. ’’I know about your illness, idiot. I was just waiting for you to tell me.’’

Remus could not speak. He felt like something was stuck in his throat. Lily noticed that something was wrong and put a hand on his shoulder.

’’Hey, it doesn’t matter’’, she said. ’’It doesn’t matter. I’m just sad you felt you couldn’t tell me.’’

’’I haven’t told anyone’’, said Remus with a weak voice. ’’But people just keep figuring it out and it’s getting worse.’’

’’If anything, it made me think more of you’’, she said and let go of him. ’’I realized in third year. I read all about it in the library. I can’t believe what you’re going through.’’

’’I don’t like talking about it’’, he said, and involuntarily felt his nose tingle as if he was about to cry.

’’Okay’’, said Lily calmly. ’’I didn’t mean to throw it at you like that, I was just excited about the novel. I know it’s a big deal in the wizarding world, but it isn’t to me. You can talk to me about it, I just want you to know that.’’

’’Let’s change the subject’’, he said, feeling the numbness hit his body. He had expected Lily to find out eventually anyway – the girl was incredibly clever – but he had not been prepared, nor ready to deal with it. ’’Please, let’s change the subject.’’

’’Of course.’’ Lily removed her hand. ’’So, _Luna.’’_

’’Oh God.’’

’’That’s moon, right? And then Jimmy – it must be James. Jimmy comes from James, so they have the same meaning. That was not particularly creative.’’

’’Since when are you a name expert?’’

’’Since I read your novel and decided to figure them all out’’, said Lily. ’’I got a book of names from the library. I think Pince assumed I was pregnant.’’ She smiled. ’’Some of these characters were really obvious.’’

’’You’re seeing what you want to see’’, said Remus. ’’They’re all fictional. If they resemble real people it’s either because they inspired me, or it’s a coincidence.’’

’’The only one I couldn’t figure out was Caleb’’, said Lily, ignoring Remus’ defence. ’’Caleb means dog. What does that mean?’’

’’It means I didn’t check the names’ meanings before I picked them for my characters’’, said Remus.

’’Why are you the girl in the story?’’ she continued.

’’I’m not’’, he answered simply. ’’The story is written from a girl’s point of view. I’m the one who wrote the story. It’s not impossible that we think in the same way.’’

’’What about Caleb?’’ she said. ’’Who is he? He reminded me of someone, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.’’

’’Well, what did you think of him?’’ he asked, trying to steer Lily’s focus away from the real-life equivalents of the characters.

’’Ah, I thought he was nothing but a prat, but then I got to know him better’’, she said. ’’He’s still kind of an idiot, you know. And it kills me how he acts with Luna.’’

’’How he acts with Luna?’’

’’I mean, he’s there, and it’s clear that he loves her, and he talks to her in that special way, but then he does nothing about it.’’

’’He loves her as a friend’’, said Remus and shrugged.

’’Really? I sensed something else’’, said Lily.

’’Well, everyone interpret things differently.’’

’’But if he loves her as a friend, why can’t he see that she’s in love with _him?’’_

 _’’What? Luna_ is not in love with Caleb!’’ Remus exclaimed.

 _’’What?’’_ said Lily in the same shocked voice as Remus. ’’I know you wrote this, but allow me to object. She went on about him for an entire novel!’’

’’The story is _about_ Caleb’’, said Remus. ’’He’s the main character. I just thought it would be interesting to let the narrator be someone close to him and not he himself.’’

’’I can quote a million places in this novel that clearly states that she loves him.’’

’’No, no, you’re missing the point. Caleb is the way he is, he’s handsome, he’s charismatic, he’s loving. He’s like magic. Luna is just telling the story. Just because she states that he looks good it doesn’t mean she loves him.’’

’’As a character, he’s great’’, she continued. ’’Really, wow, Rem. I fell in love with him myself. The way you write about him is just so… I don’t know how to describe it. It’s so _observant_. And that’s how you really know you love someone, isn’t it? You notice all the things that others don’t.’’ She paused.’’You have created a wonderful piece of art. Please don’t tell me it’s just about two people who have this tension and then they just kiss when they’re drunk, act like nothing, and that’s it. And speaking of that kissing scene – she’s obviously _so_ in love.’’

’’She’s in awe of him’’, said Remus. ’’That’s why I wrote it like that. The word love is not mentioned anywhere.’’

’’That’s why it’s so great’’, said Lily. ’’It’s just read between the lines.’’ She looked at Remus with a knowing face before she shrugged. ’’I might have misinterpreted it. It doesn’t matter. It’s a wonderful story and you write like a God.’’

’’Let’s not exaggerate’’, said Remus who was turning pink again. ’’But thank you.’’

’’Let someone else read it!’’ said Lily. ’’There are so many interpretations that can be done to this. Mine was just one. Come on. This is too good to waste.’’

Remus sighed. ’’No. This was a huge step for me. That’s enough.’’

Lily tilted her head and gave him the best puppy eyes she could. ’’ _Waste!’’_ she repeated. ’’You owe it to literature!’’

He shook his head. She gave him a gentle slap.

’’Hey’’, she said sternly. ’’When have I ever lied to you? I would not tell you it was great unless it was. You have a talent, and more importantly, a passion. Don’t be a fucking moron.’’

They stared at each other for five quiet seconds until he involuntarily opened his mouth:

’’I’ll consider it.’’

She smiled. ’’Perfect. Let me know how it turns out. And please write a sequel.’’

She left, and Remus watched her go, until he remembered he had forgotten to ask her one last question.

’’Hey, Lily!’’

She turned.

’’Who was your favorite character?’’ he asked.

Lily thought about it for a couple of seconds. ’’Jimmy’’, she said involuntarily. ’’I saw so much potential in him.’’

And then she left. Remus headed back to the dorm room with a smile on his lips.

 

’’What’s going on here?’’

James and Peter were sitting on the floor with a cup of tea each, leaning towards James’ bed. Peter looked up with great relief over Remus’ arrival. James looked devastated. 

’’I suggested firewhiskey’’, he said. ’’But Peter wouldn’t let me.’’

’’Good thinking’’, said Remus to Peter. He put his bag down on his bed and sat down in front of James. ’’What happened, Prongs?’’

’’I fought with Sirius.’’

’’You fought with – ’’

’’Yes’’, said James miserably. ’’And now he hates me.’’

’’Sirius doesn’t hate you’’, said Remus softly.

’’That’s what I said!’’ Peter squeeked.

’’You didn’t see him’’, said James. ’’He just stormed out.’’

’’You must have had a fight before’’, said Remus. ’’Haven’t you?’’

’’Only once’’, said James. ’’That time when he sent Snape to the Shrieking Shack.’’

The muscles in Remus’ belly knotted at the memory.

’’Right’’, he said.

’’When you told me what happened today, it didn’t even sound like a fight’’, said Peter to James.

’’It was horrible!’’ said James shrilly. ’’He was really mad!’’

’’He probably wasn’t’’, said Remus in an attempt to calm James down. ’’I just saw him. He seemed fine. What did you fight about, anyway?’’

He forgot his question the second he saw Peter and James staring at him. ’’What?’’

 _’’You just saw him?’’_ said James.

’’Like, did you _talk_ to him?’’ said Peter.

’’Yes’’, said Remus, confused. Peter and James looked at each other.

’’He actually listened to you’’, Peter noted.

’’He listened!’’ said James happily.

’’Explain!’’ Remus begged. James turned to him again.

’’Sirius has been acting weird lately’’, he said. ’’And I’ve asked him, but he hasn’t been willing to talk about it. I might have pressured him a bit too hard.’’ He ran his hand through his hair. ’’God, I feel like shit now. But things haven’t been good, especially not between you two, and it’s been driving me crazy.’’

’’Me too’’, said Peter. ’’And you haven't let us so much as ask about it.’’

Remus was suddenly feeling attacked.

’’Is that what you asked Sirius about?’’ he asked. ’’Is that what your argument was about?’’

’’Kind of’’, said James. ’’I’m sorry, but I thought you two had fought or something.’’

’’We didn’t’’, said Remus.

’’That’s what he told me’’, said James. ’’But he’s been acting weird, and don’t pretend you haven’t noticed.’’

Remus did not know how to answer that.

’’Sirius has been going through a lot’’, he said lightly. ’’If he’s been taking it out on me, he has my full understanding.’’

’’So you don’t know why?’’

’’No’’, said Remus and felt his heart sting as he lied to his friends. ’’And maybe you shouldn’t give him such a hard time about it.’’

James and Peter looked shocked, but no one had the time to say anything before the door opened.

Sirius did not look at any of them. He walked straight up to James, sat down next to him, and hugged him.

’’I’m sorry’’, he said.

’’Wh-what?’’ said James. ’’You’re not mad?’’

’’Of course not’’, said Sirius. ’’Are you?’’

’’N-no!’’ They let go of each other. ’’I’m sorry, too!’’

They smiled at each other before James looked up at Remus and Peter with the face of a child on Christmas Day.

’’Allow me to say: _I told you so’’,_ said Remus and smiled.

And things were back to normal.

The morning after, James had quidditch practice before first period, and Remus, who woke up early, decided to join him for breakfast.

’’No sleep?’’ said James as he poured them both coffee.

’’Yeah, but then I woke up at three and couldn’t go back to sleep.’’

’’God. You need to talk to Pomfrey if it gets bad.’’

’’It’s just every once in a while. If there’s anyone you should worry about not getting enough sleep, it’s Sirius’’, said Remus. ’’When I woke up, he was still awake. He had the lights on, I think he was reading. He didn’t turn the lights off until four.’’

James nodded worriedly. 

’’I knew it was bad, but I can never tell if he has slept or not’’, he said. ’’He’s always fucking hyperactive. Shall we sneak back after breakfast and turn his alarm off?’’

’’Great idea’’, said Remus. James turned his focus back to his cereal. Remus watched him and thought about the questions that had buzzed in his mind all night. ’’Hey, can I ask you something?’’

’’Sure’’, said James.

’’Remember when we were in Hogsmeade and I told you that I write sometimes?’’

’’Of course.’’

Remus paused. James watched him.

’’The thing is, I… I kind of just finished a longer project.’’

’’That’s great’’, said James. ’’Is it a novel?’’

’’Yes’’, said Remus. ’’A short one, but yes.’’

James waited for him to continue. Remus failed to find the words.

’’That’s not a question’’, said James after a while. ’’You said you had a question.’’

Remus failed once again to find the words.

’’Moony’’, said James. ’’Do you want me to read it?’’

’’You don’t have to’’, said Remus quickly. ’’Really, I…’’

’’But you know I love to read’’, said James. ’’And I’m really curious.’’

’’You sure you want to?’’

’’I would be honoured.’’ He paused. ’’Am I first?’’

’’Second’’, said Remus. ’’I let Lily read it.’’

’’Did she like it?’’

’’She said so. She convinced me to let someone else read it.’’

’’Tell her I said thanks’’, said James and smiled.

’’If you don’t like it, you don’t have to finish it.’’

’’Shut up. I’ll read it.’’

’’Thank you. I’ll put it on your bed.’’

’’Awesome’’, said James, finished his coffee and headed off for quidditch practice. Remus left the pages on his bed as soon as he was back in the dorm room, woke up Peter, turned off the alarm and left a note next to Sirius’ bed.

 

_Sorry, but it’s for your own good. I’ll talk to the teachers for you._

_-M_

 

He kept Peter company for breakfast and they met up with James before their first class. The fourth Marauder did not show up until they were all sitting at lunch.

’’Sleeping beauty!’’ said James as Sirius approached them.

’’This was your idea, wasn’t it?’’ Sirius rubbed his eyes and sat down next to Remus. ’’Beef? I can’t have beef for breakfast. Where’s the coffee?’’

’’It’s one o’clock’’, said James. ’’Lunchtime.’’

’’Ugh’’, said Sirius and loaded his plate with potatoes.

It felt as if it was the first time in ages they were a group again, with no hidden worries or secrets. The feeling was slightly strange after all that happened, but it was familiar, and Remus enjoyed it. It seemed to him as if the others were also experiencing a sudden calm – they were talking and joking in an open way that had been rare the last couple of weeks.

After the classes of the day, James headed towards the quidditch pitch again (Very Big Important Game was coming up), Peter eagerly followed, and Sirius, who was suddenly more social and talkative than he had been in ages, followed Remus to the common room.

’’What are we doing?’’ he said as soon as they sat down.

’’I need to study’’, said Remus. ’’So do you.’’

’’Ughhhh’’, said Sirius.

’’I know’’, said Remus.

’’I’ll just finish the book.’’ He pulled out _The Picture of Dorian Gray_ from his bag. ’’I’m halfway there.’’ He showed Remus were his bookmark was.

Remus smirked. ’’I can’t believe I turned Sirius Black in to a reader.’’

’’Shut up’’, said Sirius. He opened the book. ’’Now, about this book. The artist guy – Hallward – he’s gay, isn’t he?’’

’’I don’t know’’, Remus lied. ’’Keep reading.’’

’’I just thought it was weird – wasn’t the book written like a hundred years ago?’’

’’Yes’’, said Remus. ’’Take into consideration that Oscar Wilde was put in jail because he was gay himself.’’

’’Oh. _Oh._ That’s awful!’’

’’And probably partly because of this book.’’

Sirius stared at the cover. ’’That’s so unfair.’’

’’I know.’’

Sirius kept staring at the cover. ’’Well, I’ll get back to reading’’, he finally said. ’’Have fun studying.’’

They sat down in silence for ten minutes until Sirius slammed his hand in the table.

 _’’I knew it!’’_ he exclaimed. He read from the book: _’’_ _I was only happy when I was with you. When you were away from me, you were still present in my art...’’_

’’That’s Basil for you’’, said Remus.

’’And what the fuck is wrong with Dorian?’’ Sirius ranted.

’’Well, except from the fact that he nailed his soul to the devil’s altar…’’

’’Someone should knock some sense into him! This man just came out to him in and he has the nerve to…’’

’’Save your anger’’, said Remus. ’’You’ll need it for later.’’

Sirius looked devastated, but he returned to the book.

James and Peter were back a couple of hours later, red-nosed and happy. While they had been gone, there had been shouting, swear words, and rants from Sirius, who was a little too engaged in the book. After one hour, he had lost his focus and instead turned to observing the other people in the common room and flipping through Remus’ text books and notes while quickly moving his knee up and down in a way that Remus strangely enough found soothing rather than stressful. The four friends went to dinner, and spent the rest of the evening in the common room, discussing who the new Minister of Magic would be together with their classmates. 

’’I wish they would keep Jenkins!’’ said Alice. ’’She’s great! Men only start wars.’’

’’Isn’t that kind of a sexist thing to say?’’ said Peter, and Alice, Lily, Marlene and Mary simultaneously groaned.

’’Well, Pettigrew’’, said Lily and crossed her arms. ’’Can you think of one war men have _not_ started?’’

’’As much as I agree with you’’, said Remus, ’’that’s inductive reasoning.’’  

’’Boom!’’ said Sirius and snapped his fingers at Lily.

’’Sirius, do you even know what inductive reasoning _means?’’_ said Marlene. Sirius ignored her.

’’Don’t you think Dumbledore is gonna say yes this time?’’ said James.

’’They asked him before’’, said Frank. ’’He doesn’t seem interested.’’

’’He would probably do great as a minister’’, said Mary. ’’But I kind of want him here at Hogwarts.’’

’’Me too!’’ said Lily, and the rest of the group nodded enthusiastically.

At ten, the common room was empty. At eleven, they went to bed. At twelve, Peter and James were snoring in sync. At one, Remus heard Sirius still tossing and turning in his bed, and he hoped that he was not having a nightmare again.

’’Are you awake?’’ said Remus quietly when ten minutes had passed and the frequent turning had not stopped.

’’Yeah’’, said a voice in the dark. ’’Can’t sleep.’’

’’Me neither.’’

The room turned quiet again, except from the snoring boys on the other side of the room.

’’Come here’’, Sirius said suddenly.

Remus processed his words for a couple of seconds before sitting up. Sirius might be upset or scared, and he wanted to be there for him.

He stood up and sneaked over to Sirius bed. Sirius held up the cover and Remus crawled down under it. They were face to face, but Remus could only see glimpses of Sirius’ eyes in the dark.

’’I don’t wanna be alone’’, Sirius whispered.

’’You aren’t’’, said Remus.

Within five minutes, he was sure that Sirius was asleep. Remus stroke some of the hair out of his face before he fell asleep, too.

Remus must have slept deeply, because when he woke up by the sound of James getting out of the shower, it felt as if only a couple of seconds had passed.

The moment after, he realized that this was _not_ the position he had fallen asleep in – Sirius was curled up close to him with his head under Remus’ chin, and Remus arm was around him. This had certainly _not_ been what Remus had intended, and he considered an attempt to discreetly roll out of bed, but afraid that Sirius had had a rough night, he decided to act like nothing.

’’Hey’’, he mumbled. ’’Morning.’’

He could not see Sirius face, but he could feel him slowly waking up, and as soon as he must have realized where he was and with who, he rolled over to his side so quickly that he hit his head on the bedpost.

’’Ouch!’’ he whined.

’’Great, you’re up’’, said James’ voice before Remus could react. ’’Have you seen Moony? He’s not in his bed.’’

Sirius and Remus exchanged one quick look.

’’He went for a walk’’, said Sirius loudly, got out of bed, and made sure to close the curtains behind him.

’’Oh’’, Remus heard James’ voice from the other side of the room. ’’Oh well, should we wait for him or…?’’

’’No’’, said Sirius. ’’Let’s go for breakfast. He said he would meet us there.’’

That night was never mentioned again. 


	12. I need you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alcohol brings stupid decisions. Sirius never learns.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this isn't too messy - had to jump in time so the first part is a summary of what has happened until now. 
> 
> Warning due to slashiness at the end

**_March 1976_ **

**_(Sirius)_ **

 

A month had passed since that night, and Sirius walked around with a strange feeling of not being sure whether things were finally coming together or falling apart. Everything was fine in the group again, finally – but Sirius was still clueless about what he was supposed to do about the whole situation with his little brother, and decided to put it off even more.

Things got more complicated: Right before Remus’ birthday, Remus got _very_ ill – probably because of his weakened immune system the days before full moon – and he was not exactly up for celebrating. When the full moon came a couple of days later, the wolf was in such pain that Sirius feared that Remus would not make it through the night. But as always, Remus rose again, and after two days unconscious and three more days of resting he was as good as new.

No one said anything, but the days of worry teared a lot on all of them. Sirius spent the night before Remus’ birthday in Remus’ bed, afraid that Remus would actually stop breathing. Remus had not said anything when Sirius had crawled in to his bed – only a week earlier, he had done the same, and Sirius had asked no questions.

Friends were supposed to be there for each other. Without questions.

Weeks passed. The snow melted. Sirius finished _Dorian Gray_. Gryffindor won two quidditch games. Exam stress was present everywhere. James and Sirius got in to two weeks of detention after dueling with two Slytherins in the hallway.

And one day, Sirius took a cig with Marlene.

’’We’re talking again’’, she said, referring to Regulus. ’’Just talking. I told him I know everything.’’

’’Oh.’’

’’He mentions you a lot.’’

’’I’ll talk to him eventually’’, said Sirius. ’’I just need to know what I want to say first.’’

After the talk, he headed back to the dorm room and found that it was empty. The realization made him slightly nervous, and he decided that it was best to distract himself with something.

Studying was clearly out of the question, so he looked around for something to waste his time on. A bunch of papers on James’ night table caught his attention, and he picked it up to have a closer look.

There were only three words on the front page.

_’’Not my intention’’_

He sat down on his bed. The papers were tied together with a red lace. He opened it and read the first lines in hope of finding out what it was. But then he could not stop himself, and soon he had forgotten all about his surroundings.

Sixty pages in, the door suddenly flew open and Sirius jumped.

If it had not been for the unmistakable hair, Sirius would probably not have recognized the Remus under all of the blood.

 _’’Moony!’’_ he shouted and stood up.

’’Paper’’, said Remus. Sirius pulled out the chair next to Peter’s bed.

’’Sit. Lean back.’’ Remus did as he said and Sirius ran in to the bathroom, got a handful of paper towels, and handed them to him. ’’Got punched, did you?’’

’’Kinda.’’

’’Are you all right? Who did it?’’

’’Please - painkilling potion. Drawer next to my bed.’’

Sirius got it for him and Remus took a sip straight from the bottle. 

’’Who hit you?’’ Sirius asked again. ’’Just say a name, and I’ll kill him.’’

He had not meant it to sound like that, although he was more than ready to throw a few hits in carefully selected places on whoever had hurt his friend. Remus looked up at him.

’’It’s not that bad’’, he said.

’’Who hurt you?’’

Remus almost looked scared by Sirius' reaction and suddenly Sirius wanted to cry without knowing why.

’’Is it important?’’ said Remus. ’’Why are you so defensive?’’

’’Well’’, said Sirius, upset. ’’It’s not like you would get back on him yourself!’’

Remus did not answer. Sirius took a deep breath.

’’I’m sorry, I’ll calm down’’, he said. ’’Where are James and Peter?’’

’’Peter is with Frank’’, said Remus. ’’And James is with McGonagall.’’

’’Did James do it?’’

’’Of course not.’’ Remus paused. ’’Promise you won’t freak out if I tell you?’’

’’Can't promise anything’’, said Sirius. ’’Tell me anyway.’’

Remus sighed.

’’We got in to a fight with Snape and James disarmed him so he turned to fists’’, said Remus simply. ’’And then McGonagall showed up just as _this_ happened and she told me to go to the hospital wing but I convinced her to let me fix it on my own. I made it worse.’’

’’ _Snape?!’’_ said Sirius with disgust. ’’Of _course –_ what happened? Why did he get so mad at _you?’’_

’’Technically, he didn’t mean to hit me’’, said Remus.

’’So he missed James and hit you instead?’’ said Sirius skeptically. Remus did not answer. Sirius read his face and did some quick Marauder math. ’’You jumped in front of James, didn’t you?’’

’’I just tried to stop Snape’’, said Remus, ’’but I was a little too late.’’

Before Sirius had time to answer, Remus had spotted something behind him and flew up.

_’’What is that?’’_

’’Sit down’’, said Sirius when he saw what Remus had reacted on. ’’Just something I was reading. Found it next to James’ bed. I was bored. Should’ve asked him what it was, but he wasn’t here, and it was interesting, so…’’

’’H-how far have you come?’’

’’A few chapters. Wasn’t planning on reading it, just got stuck. Why?’’ Remus was staring at him with wide eyes and Sirius added: ’’Sit down, you’ll never stop bleeding.’’

Remus did as he said.

’’Have you read it?’’ said Sirius.

’’No’’, said Remus.

’’Why are you so weird about it?’’

’’Just… thought it was something else. Doesn’t matter.’’

Sirius did not buy the explanation behind Remus’ strange reaction, but he decided to let it go.

’’Let me look at your nose. Did he hit your teeth?’’

Remus took away the handful of papers he was holding pressed to his face.

’’I don’t think so’’, he said. ’’Is it bad?’’

Sirius stood up and bent down in front of Remus. Their eyes met for a second before he took a careful at Remus’ blood-drenched nose. ’’You’ll be fine. But I think you should go see madam Pomfrey.’’

’’I’d rather not’’, said Remus. ’’Feels like I spend more time in the hospital wing than I do here already.’’

The door flung open and James burst in.

’’My hero!’’ he shouted when he saw Remus. ’’Are you alive?’’

’’I’m fine’’, said Remus. ’’How did it go with McGonagall?’’

’’Well, Snivellus got in some serious trouble, but she only took 15 points from Gryffindor and let me go.’’ James tilted his head and watched Remus. ’’Did the healing spells work?’’

’’I tried a few’’, said Remus. ’’I’ll try again as soon as the bleeding stops.’’

’’I can’t believe you took a punch for me like that’’, said James.

’’Well, at least it stopped you both from being stupid.’’

’’I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. I’d never have teased him if I knew he was gonna –’’

’’Let it go, let it go’’, said Remus and waved his hand. He changed the subject: ’’It’s your birthday tomorrow! What do you want to do?’’

’’Oh, nothing special.’’

’’So, huge party?’’ said Sirius.

James smiled. ’’I don’t know...’’

’’We still have lots of that firewhiskey’’, said Sirius. ’’C’mon, we’ll do something fun.’’

’’Surprise me, then.’’

’’Oh, we will’’, said Remus.

’’Maybe we were doing some planning just as you walked in’’, said Sirius.

’’Well, by all means, continue, I need to go find Pete anyway. We said we’d meet him up like half an hour ago. I just wanted to make sure you were all right.’’ James went back to the door, turned around and threw one last, guilty look at Remus. ’’I’m really, really –’’

 _’’ – sorry?’’_ Remus guessed and smiled. ’’It’s okay. I’ll be down for dinner as soon as I’m not bleeding. Meet you there?’’

James nodded and left the dorm room. Sirius turned to Remus again.

’’May I?’’ He pulled out his wand.

’’You’re good at many things, but do you know _anything_ about healing charms?’’

’’I’ve actually done some research since that time James hurt his arm. Thought it would be useful. Trust me?’’

Remus sighed in a way that did _not_ imply that he trusted Sirius, but he removed the paper towels again and closed his eyes. ’’Fine.’’

Sirius mumbled a spell. Remus flinched.

’’Does it hurt?’’ said Sirius.

’’No’’, said Remus.

’’One more for the blood. Wait.’’

He mumbled another word and Remus coughed. When he looked up at Sirius, his face was clean.

’’As good as new’’, said Sirius.

’’What?’’ Remus touched his face to make sure it was no longer sore, swollen or covered in blood. ’’Is it done?’’

''I hope so. Did anyone say dinner?’’

 

 What James did not know was that the party they mentioned was already planned, and so many people had asked about James’ birthday that Remus, Peter and Sirius had decided to throw it in the common room for everyone that wanted to join.

After waking James up with cake from the elves for breakfast, they got through the day’s lessons. James refused to skip quidditch practice, so Peter tagged along while Sirius and Remus, with help from some other Gryffindor students, prepared for the party. James was a popular guy – but people soon seemed to join for the sake of the party. His friends did not complain: when it was a party for James, more could only be merrier.

’’And we’re done!’’ said Sirius after an hour of preparations. ’’When are they here?’’

Remus threw a glance at his watch. ’’Around thirty minutes, I think.’’

It was seven o’clock, the music was on, and people were already beginning to well out from the dorm rooms. Remus looked like he would rather go hide under a blanket. 

’’You look like the Friday-mood has not kicked in yet’’, said Sirius. ’’Pre-party drink?’’

’’God, yes please.’’

Sirius went over to the table where people had left plenty of bottles – the amount of alcohol that was stored in these dorm rooms was insane, and people had left generous contributions. 

’’Trust me’’, said Marlene's voice behind him before he had decided on what to do. She put four cups on the table and filled them with apple juice and some German liquor with a name Sirius could never pronounce. She handed him two of the cups, smiled and went back to Alice with the other two. Sirius searched for Remus in the crowd, found him in the corner, and handed him a drink.

’’Blame McKinnon’’, he said and raised his glass. ’’Cheers?’’

’’Not so fast’’, said Remus. ’’Put your hand on your heart and swear on all that is holy that you will not make a fool of yourself or James when this kicks in.’’

Sirius rolled his eyes and put his heart on his chest. ’’Fine.’’

’’No embarrassing speeches?’’

’’What, I can’t give a speech?’’

’’Yes, but you better do it before drink number three. Oh, and no song performances.’’

’’Oh no’’, said Sirius. ’’I had one in mind. I was thinking _Love me tender…’’_

’’Padfoot.’’

’’I won’t do anything stupid. Can I drink now?’’

James and Peter showed up fourty minutes later, when Sirius was already wonderfully tipsy and happier than he had been in a long time.

’’Happy birthday!’’ the crowd cheered and Sirius could have sworn that he saw tears of joy in James’ eyes when he was overwhelmed with hugs and nice words.

The music got louder and everyone seemed generally relaxed and happy. At drink number two and a half, Sirius gave a minor speech, and the audience went _’’aww’’_  for ages and James hugged him and they were soon both on the floor laughing about the amount of puns that Sirius managed to fit in a two minute long speech.

A few hours later, Sirius was on the couch between Mary and Marlene, stuck in a conversation he did not remember getting in to.

’’Okay, but answer _this_ then’’, said Marlene with a sigh. ’’Does he ever talk about her? More than mentioning her, I mean?’’

’’Who?’’

 _’’Mary,_ of course.’’

’’Oh, I… I don’t know, I haven’t thought about it.’’

’’He said he’d love to go to Hogsmeade with me’’, said Mary. ’’But then he’s barely talked to me.’’

’’If he’d fancied you, I would have known’’, said Sirius. ’’Sorry to tell you.’’

’’What do I do, then?’’ said Mary. ’’I mean, look at him.’’ She threw a glance over their shoulders. ’’He’s perfect!’’

Sirius looked up at her. He had always liked Mary, but now, she annoyed him. Desperate people annoyed him. She would _not_ be good enough for Remus and Sirius did _not_ want her to try.

He sighed. ’’Mary, listen, Remus –’’

’’Shut up’’, said Mary. ’’He’s coming, he’s coming, he’s coming.’’

There was a warm hand on Sirius’ shoulder and a soft voice in his ear.

’’Hey. We have bit of an emergency. I need you.’’

Sirius heart froze for a moment, but he nodded and stood up. ’’Ladies’’, he said with a smile and walked after Remus up to the dorm room. He stumbled on the last step. ’’Moony, what’s going on?’’

’’Are you all right?’’ said Remus and turned around. ’’How much did you drink?’’

’’Five. Plus shots. But I’m fine. Oh, I had wine too. But I’m not drunk, just tipsy, I swear. What’s wrong?’’

They were at the top of the stairs, with a view over the common room. Remus nodded towards one of the corners and Sirius searched the crowd until he spotted the snogging couple.

’’Where is he?’’ he said immediately, but Remus had already opened the door to the dorm room and gone straight to the bathroom. Sirius walked after him and found James in the bathtub. His glasses were on the sink and his hair messy in a way that was bad even for James. 

’’You found me’’, the boy mumbled.

’’I was here a minute ago’’, said Remus. ''How drunk are you?'' 

James just sniffled. Sirius bent down next to the bathtub and tried to keep his balance. 

’’I’m so sorry, James’’, he said. ’’How’re you feeling?’’

’’Crap’’, said James. ’’Is she – is she seeing this guy?’’

They both looked up at Remus, who shrugged.

’’She… she’s mentioned him.’’

’’Who is he even?’’ said Sirius.

’’He’s in the seventh year’’, said Remus. ’’A prefect. His name is Michael.’’

James made a loud, whining noise.

’’Can you at least tell me Michael has bad breath or a shitty accent?’’ he begged.

’’If it makes you feel any better’’, said Remus and bent down next to Sirius. ’’I’ll find something that we can mock him about, okay?’’

James nodded. The room was vibrating from the music downstairs, but the three boys were silent for a couple of minutes.

’’It’s never gonna happen, is it?’’ said James finally. ’’Me and Lily.’’

Sirius and Remus exchanged a look. They both knew the truth, and they had to remind each other that it was a bad idea to tell.

’’Never say never'', said Sirius. ''Just not now.’’

James nodded again. ’’Get that German shit, will you?’’

Two hours later, James had cried, laughed, poured his heart out and fallen asleep in the bathtub. Together, Sirius and Remus managed to get him to bed. Peter had shown up after twenty minutes and passed out immediately, and the common room was slowly becoming empty. Sirius knew he had taken one shot too many, because he felt out of control in a way that he had not felt before even when drinking, and his body was becoming numb.

’’Dizzy’’, he said. ’’Scared.’’

’’Sleep here’’, said a voice, and Sirius laid his head down without knowing exactly where, but it felt like an eternity before he finally drifted off.

 

And then suddenly Sirius was awake again and he felt the frustration hit him when he realized that the room was dark and all quiet, and it was far from morning. But then he felt deep breaths on his neck and he calmed down instantly, thinking that maybe he would be able to get through this night, too.

Remus body was warm and still. In the light shining in through the curtains, he looked so peaceful that Sirius knew he could never feel even close to anxious while looking at him. They were close, inappropriately close. If Remus had been awake, he would have rolled away, but Sirius did not want him to – even though Remus was asleep, Sirius felt more taken care of then he had done in ages. Remus was there, with him, and Sirius was not alone. And he did not mind if they were inappropriately close, because he craved the closeness. His mind was still feeling numb and his face was warm, he knew he was still drunk, but he was sober enough to keep his hands to himself and not reach out and run his hands through those sandcoloured curls and his fingers down the sharp jawline. Instead, he was admiring. _Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous,_ he thought, but then something else caught his attention.

Something hard was pressing up against his thigh, and as soon as he realized, he gasped involuntarily. The sleeping Remus wrinkled his forehead, but he did not wake up.

 _God_ , Sirius thought, feeling both guilt and excitement bubble up inside of him. Remus was next to him in the bed and he was hard and he had his cock _pressed_ against Sirius, and if he had any idea what it made Sirius feel, he would _not_ like it.

But Sirius could not help but wonder if Remus was dreaming about something and what it was. His mind wandered far longer than he had ever let it, even that morning in the shower. Kissing Remus was one thing. Dreaming about touching him in other ways was a whole other story. But laying there, unable to move, horribly aroused, it was impossible to shut his thoughts out. He remembered what those lips had felt like against his, he imagined waking Remus up by touching him, he craved to kiss every part of his body, pleasuring him.

He already felt as if he was about to explode and when Remus turned slightly and Sirius could feel the entire length rub against his thigh, he knew that if Remus did not wake up, things would not end well, because the alcohol was heavily affecting Sirius ability to keep his mouth shut and his hands to himself. He made a decision: he would close his eyes, make sure Remus woke up, and act like he had not noticed.

He gently nudged Remus with his shoulder, enough to wake him up, but so softly that Remus would think it was unintentional. Remus opened his eyes before Sirius had time to pretend to be asleep. A couple of moments later, he flinched and pulled away. ’’Oh, _God, Sirius,_ sorry, I’m sorry –’’

’’No, no, no’’, said Sirius. Remus had covered his face with his hand.

’’It’s the alcohol, I swear –’’ he said.

’’Don’t apologize’’, said Sirius. He watched Remus for a moment as the boy turned his head, shocked that Sirius was not upset, nor disgusted. ’’To be honest, you’re not alone.’’

’’W-what?’’ said Remus. Sirius smirked.

 _’’I said_ , it’s not just you.’’ He had already gone too far, but he could not help but hope that Remus would understand that Sirius was not mad, that he was, in fact, the opposite of mad.

Remus did. And then things took a turn that Sirius had not been expecting.

With eyes flickering, slightly red after drinking, Remus tentatively put his hand on Sirius waist the exact way he had done that night, but after making sure Sirius did not protest, it slid down to his hip instead of his back.

Every second felt like an eternity – Remus was taking forever, and Sirius put all his effort in to keeping a face that was encouraging but not too much. A really quiet voice in the back of his head told him to gather himself and stop it before he did something he would regret forever, but the power that the eye contact with Remus had over him was far stronger.

And then Remus was there – with his thumb slowly leaping up along Sirius’ length through his pants, causing shivers down Sirius’ body. He had never been this aroused in his life.

’’Y-you’re really hard’’, Remus whispered.

’’Mmm’’, was all Sirius managed to say. 

Remus seemed to realize what he had done. ’’Sorry’’, he mumbled and pulled his hand away, but before Sirius had the time to think, he had reached out and put his hand over Remus’. He looked him straight in the eye, and after a few moments of silence, Remus slowly moved his hand over Sirius' groin with a shivering breath, and when he bit his lip, Sirius lost all control. He put his hand on Remus' cheek and banged their lips together.

Remus tasted like vodka and tropical juice, and it felt just like last time, if not better. It lasted for only a couple of seconds before he forced himself to pull away.

’’What are you doing?’’ said Remus.

’’I’m sorry’’, said Sirius. ’’I couldn’t help myself and –’’

’’No, I mean, why did you stop?’’  

Sirius looked at him and wondered if he had gone mad. This could _not_ be happening. He tried to knock some sense into himself, but he reached the conclusion that reality or not, Remus _wanted_ Sirius to kiss him. And that was enough for Sirius to let go of that one remaining little ounce of worries.

He sat up, swung his leg over Remus, bent forward, and kissed him again. One of Remus hands flew up to his hair while the other one was leaning on his back, gently pushing him closer. Sirius sunk down, now far beyond the limit of _inappropriately close_. When their groins pressed together, Sirius pushed himself closer and involuntarily panted.

’’Tell me to stop’’, he said. ’’Just tell me, and I’ll stop.’’

’’Don’t’’, said Remus, grabbed his head and kissed him. Sirius thrust against him again, and Remus let out a shrill moan Sirius knew he would _not_ be proud of in the morning.

’’This’’, Remus panted between the kisses. ’’This is bad, we shouldn’t… we’re drunk, we’re… stupid… _No, stay!’’_

’’I’m not going anywhere’’, said Sirius, who had lifted himself up on his elbows. ’’But if you don’t want to, I’m not gonna –’’

 _’’Shut up’’,_ said Remus and pulled him back, and Sirius realized that if Remus wanted this, and Sirius _most certainly_ did too, there was no reason to hold back. ’’M-may I?’’

His hands were on the top button on Sirius’ shirt. Sirius just stared, still astonished by this yet undiscovered side of Remus. Remus wanted this, perhaps even almost as much as Sirius did, and Sirius did not know why, but he was not complaining.  

’’Yes’’, said Sirius. ’’Yes.’’ He watched Remus’ silhouette as the boy unbuttoned his shirt, and in the middle of everything that was messy and blurry, one thing suddenly stood very clear.

 _Yep,_ Sirius thought to himself. _I’m definitely gay. Very gay._

His shirt was open and he threw it off. Remus hands were all over his chest and shoulders.

’’God’’, he whispered admiringly, and Sirius could feel how the blood rushed to his cheeks. Then he added: ’’What are we doing?’’

’’Don’t know’’, said Sirius. ’’Is it important?’’

’’No’’, said Remus and kissed him again before Sirius found the buttons in the dark and started unbuttoning his shirt as well. ’’Just that _none_ of this would happen if we weren’t so goddamn _wasted_ –’’

’’Unfortunately’’, said Sirius and unbuttoned the last button. ’’I won’t even remember this.’’

Sirius gently opened Remus’ shirt and saw the pale chest appear to him in a trail of light shining in. He let his hands wander down Remus’ sides, his thumbs meeting in the middle, before going back to kissing him, touching his neck. Sirius wanted to feel Remus' hardness against his own again – but closer than this.

’’Stop me’’, he said again. ’’Just tell me to stop and I will.’’

Remus just nodded encouragely as Sirius reached down his hand and unbuttoned both their pants. He took off his own before pulling off Remus’ and lowering himself over him again.

The sensation was overwhelming and he could not help but moan in to Remus’ ear – their erections were separated only by two layers of thin fabric, and Sirius could feel Remus cock pulse underneath him. He thrusted again, careful not to go to fast even though his whole body and mind was telling him to. Remus kept his arms arond him, pressing his hips upwards and Sirius closer to him. They found a rhytm and when they moved, it felt amazing – far better than any sex Sirius had ever had. He had _never_ thought that this could feel so great – it was just the thought of being so close as much as the sensation that drove him crazy. Remus kissed him in a way that no one who knew him would expect: he kissed Sirius intensely, taking the lead, gently pulling Sirius' lip with his teeth in a way Sirius never knew he would find so hot.

’’I’m close’’, Sirius mumbled after barely a couple of minutes. Only a few seconds later, he felt Remus’ nails dig in to his shoulders as he shuddered and Sirius’ name escaped his lips. It was more than enough to push Sirius over the edge – with one last thrust, he felt the explosion of pleasure, collapsed and buried his head in Remus’ neck, out of breath.

They silently agreed not to say anything. They kissed again, softer than before, intense passion replaced with tenderness.

And then they fell asleep.

 

 

 

 


	13. You're unreasonable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes things go to hell. And sometimes they go even worse.  
> Remus is trying to clean up the mess of last night's drunk mistakes by doing what he does best: avoid them.

_**March 1976** _

_**(Remus)** _

 

Fuck, Remus thought. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck: fuck, fuck, fuck.

Sirius was sleeping peacefully next to him. They were still in their underwear. Slowly but surely, memories from the night began to come back. And it was _bad._

Whatever he would do about it, it he could _not_ deal with it now, and he had to escape the situation as soon as possible and go somewhere he could think. He made sure that he could get out of bed without waking Sirius up – and with careful movements, he rolled away and stood up, looking for his clothes.

’’So’’, said a voice suddenly. ’’Had fun last night, did you?’’

Remus jumped and immediately looked up.

’’J-james’’, he stuttered. ’’What are you doing up?’’

’’It’s morning’’, said James and sat up in his bed. He raised an eyebrow. ’’Are you going to explain yourself, or…?’’

’’Nothing to explain’’, said Remus. He was holding his pants in one hand and desperately searched the floor for his shirt. It was bad enough as it was. James was _not_ going to find out.

’’What were you doing in Sirius bed?’’

’’I fell asleep there. You’re one to talk – you fell asleep in the bathtub.’’

’’You’re half naked.’’

’’I got warm.’’

James sighed and put his glasses on. ’’I’m too hungover for this, Moony.’’ He stared at the boy. ’’Did you and Sirius -?’’

’’No!’’ said Remus.

’’Okay then’’, said James, but he did not look satisfied. Remus finally found his shirt and picked it up. ’’Remus?’’

’’What?’’

’’You are aware that you have a hickey, right? And white stains that look an awful lot like dried…?’’

Remus looked down. And: Fuck.

’’I guess I dreamt something’’, he mumbled while feeling the blood burning in his face. He grabbed his wand from his nightstand, and cast a cleaning spell. James did not say anything. Remus did not look at him. He went over to his bed, and picked up a hoodie from the drawer.

’’Why are you not telling me the truth?’’ said James with a hurt voice. ’’I can see that you’re lying.’’

Remus pulled the hoodie over his head, a bit annoyed with James for guilt tripping him like this instead of staying out of it. But then their eyes met and he saw nothing but worry and care in James’.

Remus would never succeed in lying to him, anyway.  

’’We made out’’, he said and shrugged. ’’No big deal. He won’t even remember it. We were wasted.’’

’’You came all over each other!’’ James exclaimed.

’’Schh!’’ said Remus, terrified that Sirius or Peter would wake up. ’’Things just got intense. Stupid mistake. We won’t mention this again.’’

’’But this is _huge!_ I had no idea you were gay!’’

’’It’s because I’m not. Drunk mistake. Just for fun. Leave it.’’

’’But –’’

’’James, _please_. This will be messy enough as it is. I know you care, and I love you for it, but please stay out of this. Trust me when I tell you this means nothing except we were drunk and felt like doing something crazy.’’

James nodded slowly. ’’Okay. Okay.’’

Remus cleaned himself, got dressed, and packed his things in five minutes. He made sure to bring the map, so that no one would find him.

’’Where are you going?’’ James asked.

’’Studying’’ he said.

’’I’m here if you want to talk.’’

’’I’m fine.’’ Remus threw his bag over his shoulder. ’’Oh, and… uhm… how are you feeling? After… you know.’’

’’I remember what happened, Rem’’, said James bitterly. ’’I’ll be fine. It’s not like my chances were great, anyway.’’

’’Yeah, but still.’’

’’The party was awesome, though. Thank you.’’

’’Don’t mention it.’’ Remus opened the door. ’’I’ll see you at lunch?’’

’’Moony?’’

’’Mhm?’’

’’You can’t run away forever.’’

Remus gave him one last look, chose not to answer, and closed the door behind him.

He went down for breakfast and poured himself some coffee.

’’Hungover?’’ said a voice next to him. He had barely noticed her.

’’Mary, hi’’, he smiled. ’’Yeah, kind of. You?’’

’’This is my fourth’’, she said and lifted her cup. ’’I need _real_ hangover food. I mean, imagine a pizza right now.’’

Remus groaned longingly at the thought.

’’Try some toast’’, said Mary. ’’It’s as close as it gets.’’

Remus put as much cheese as he could fit on a slice of toast, ate it while skimming through the headlines in _The Daily Prophet,_ and downed the rest of his coffee. He turned to the girls again. ’’Hey, Marlene – do you have a cigarette?’’

’’I didn’t know you smoked’’, said Marlene.

’’Please?’’

She fumbled with something in her pocket and handed him a cigarette.

’’Thanks. Enjoy your breakfast, girls.’’

He went to sit outside, even though he had forgotten to bring his jacket, smoked his cigarette, trying not to think. It did not help. Not now, when he _knew_ that something was seriously wrong with him, and it might be too late to go back.

It felt as if a can of soda exploded inside of him every time he remembered. He was terrified that he had left out any important details – he could not recall how they ended up the way they did, but he remembered Sirius naked and oh-so-lovely chest, he remembered lips that tasted like Jägermeister and apple juice, and he remembered them both thrusting against each other until it all ended wonderfully and amazingly _bad._ Maybe they would be able to shove it away, like they had with the kiss, but Remus would not be able to stop thinking about _this._

Because Sirius had kissed him, touched him, moaned in his ear – and Remus had loved every second of it. Lily had already messed his mind up with their conversation about Remus’ novel – he _might_ have had a real person in mind writing it, and that person might have been Sirius, because Sirius was charming, mysterious, energetic and imaginative - all of the things that made _Caleb_ so interesting. Remus had always thought so. Sirius, that piece of shit, had been special since day one. 

He thought about their first meeting, and their last meeting, and all of the meetings in between them. He thought about what James had said in Hogsmeade – what if Sirius _was_ gay? Was he just using Remus for experimenting?

The thought made him nauseous.

Somewhere along the way, Remus had to acknowledge that the fact that he was getting hard just thinking about it meant that maybe he was not completely straight, either. He liked girls. He liked how Lily always smelled like apples and how Mary’s hair looked like silk. He admired the curves of Marlene’s body and Alice’s kind eyes. He, too, had been forced to cover specific body parts during that afternoon by the lake in third year when the girls his year had come back after summer like women. But he also liked Dirk’s smile, Frank’s deep voice and Michael’s muscular body. And most of all, the way Sirius had looked last night – on top of him, shirtless, and bending down to kiss him – and the way his skin had felt against Remus’ fingertips.

The way Sirius had smelled and moved and moaned and touched him. 

 _Okay,_ Remus thought in an attempt to gather himself, and took a drag of his cigarette. _There are tons of straight friends that sleep together for fun and it means nothing. Why does this have to be any different?_

Maybe it would not have to be.

He threw the cigarette and stepped on it, wishing he had more than one. He made his way to the library, and made sure he picked the most hidden place to sit. He had planned to study, but instead, he wrote, and it was the most honest and sincere words that had ever poured out of him. He never went to lunch. But Lily showed up around four.

’’Haven’t seen you all day!’’ she said. ’’I was getting worried. Your friends looked a little weird. Everything okay?’’

’’Yes. Yes. You?’’

’’I’m good.’’

’’You and Michael had fun at the party, I noticed.’’

Lily smiled. ’’He’s great.’’

’’I’m happy for you! When did this all happen?’’

’’Oh, you and I have so much to talk about! I missed you! Do you want to hang out tonight? I’ll bring chocolate.’’

’’Well, you know I can’t say no to chocolate.’’

’’Seven?’’

’’Great.’’

’’I’ll see you. Good luck with that.’’ She nodded towards his work, smiled and left.

Remus was left to his own thoughts again. And not once did Sirius leave them.

Remus tried to come up with millions of excuses to what had happened, but he was constantly led back to the fact that sleeping next to Sirius had turned him on and touching him had turned him on and kissing him had turned him on and just thinking about it turned him on. But more than that, he thought about Sirius waking up in that bed alone, not knowing what had happened or where Remus had gone. Maybe he was upset. Maybe even mad. What was he doing now, what was he thinking about? 

 _It’s Sirius,_ Remus tried to remind himself. _It’s not a big deal to him. He’s probably already forgotten it._

He tried to accept the thought and let it go, but he did not manage to convince himself.

 _Act like nothing,_ he told himself instead. That is what Sirius had tried to do last time. If they both did it, there would not be a problem – except from James, but he was just going to have to get over it.

The library closed and Remus’ stomach had been protesting against the emptiness for hours. He went down to the Great Hall, relieved to see that his friends had already eaten, and sat down next to Alice, Dorcas, and Frank who were already caught up in pleasant chatter. Remus did not feel the need to say anything until they turned to him.

’’Oi, Remus’’, said Frank. ’’Your friends are looking for you.’’

’’Really? I’ve been in the library all day’’, said Remus.

’’Ahh, I see. Well, I’d go find them if I were you.’’

’’Potter looked like he was about to piss himself’’, said Alice meaningly. Remus’ plate was empty, and he had no excuse to put off the inevitable meeting any longer. With incredibly slow steps, he made his way back to the dorm room, where he found James on his bed.

’’Hi’’, he said when Remus stepped in. ’’I finished your story.’’

’’Oh’’, said Remus, who had expected every weird reaction but this one. James sat up and put down the punch of papers next to him. 

’’Did you and Sirius kiss before?’’

 _’’What?’’_ said Remus, once again having prepared himself for the wrong thing.

’’That night we all got drunk. Weeks ago. Did you kiss? That’s what happens in the last chapter.’’

Remus went over to James bed and sat down next to him.

’’James, mate, I don’t think you’ve grasped the concept of fiction.’’

’’Oh, I’ve grasped it’’, said James. ’’Sometimes, it’s writers saying what they want to say. But sometimes it’s writers saying what they can’t say.’’ He smiled at Remus. ’’It’s a great story. You’re really talented. I feel bad I didn’t know before.’’

’’It has nothing to do with Sirius’’, said Remus stubbornly. ’’Or anyone, for that matter.’’

’’Okay’’, said James and shrugged. ’’If you say so. I just thought… you know, Caleb… He resembles him.’’

’’He does not’’, said Remus. ’’Or maybe he does. I don’t know. You all inspire me.’’

’’Yes, about that’’, said James. ’’This Jimmy guy…’’

Remus laughed. ’’See?’’

’’But Moony’’, James added, ’’Jimmy is not the love interest. Caleb is.’’ 

’’You see what you want to see’’, said Remus.

’’Okay’’, said James. ’’So what about this morning?’’

Remus sighed. ’’Not again. We’ve had this conversation.’’

’’Remus, he freaked out when he realized you were gone.’’

’’Where is he, anyway?’’

’’He’s looking for you, git. I guess you took the map. Made it a lot harder for him.’’

’’That was the point’’, said Remus. ’’I don’t have time for this, anyway. I’m off to see Lily.’’

’’Oh.’’ James paused. ’’What does Michael think about that?’’

’’Well, we’ll see tonight’’, said Remus. ’’Where’s Peter?’’

’’With Sirius. Looking for you. But they should be back, soon.’’

’’All right. Well, I need to clean up. I smell like Jägermeister, and I haven’t shaved in days.’’

’’You would look good in a beard.’’

’’Doubt it.’’ Remus dropped his things on his bed and went over to the bathroom door.

’’Moony?’’

’’Yeah?’’

’’Your story was really great. Thanks for letting me read it.’’

’’Thanks for wanting to’’, said Remus. ’’But I won’t be happy until you hand me some criticism.’’

’’That will be hard.’’

’’Well, you’re gonna have to try.’’ He smiled again and closed the door behind him. He took off his hoodie so he was standing in only a tank top, rinsed his face with water and drowned his cheeks in shaving foam, hoping that he would be done and out of here before Sirius and Peter were back. Deep inside, he knew that he would eventually have to face Sirius, and that he was probably making it worse by every minute he was avoiding it – but it was way easier to deny that fact. 

At least until the door opened and Remus eyes met Sirius’ in the mirror.

’’Where have you been?’’ said Sirius without leaving the door post or breaking the eye contact.

’’Studying’’, said Remus, suddenly aware that half of his face was covered in shaving foam.

’’No’’, said Sirius. ’’You were avoiding me because of what happened.’’

Remus looked away and focused on the razor moving over his skin. ’’Maybe.’’

’’I feel like shit’’, said Sirius, closed the door behind him and walked over to the sink. ’’Feels like I was… taking advantage, or something.’’

’’Of course you weren’t’’, said Remus. ’’You were as drunk as I was and… you know, made sure not to do anything I didn’t want you to.’’

’’Okay’’, said Sirius, a bit calmer after these words. ’’Okay, good.’’ He paused. ’’Do you… do you regret it?’’

’’I don’t know how regretting it would help’’, said Remus.

’’So we should just let it go?’’

’’Right.’’

’’Right’’, said Sirius, but after only three seconds of silence, he added: ’’Moony, please talk to me.’’

’’What is there to say?’’ said Remus. ’’Last time you told me it didn’t have to be a big deal.’’

’’This is _not_ the same thing'', said Sirius. ''Besides, James saw you get out of my bed.'' 

''I know, I'm sorry.''

''Oh, he'd find out anyway. He has that talent.''

’’Now, of course, he thinks there is something more to the story.’’

’’Like what?’’

’’I don’t know.’’ Remus sighed and took a careful look at his face and neck to make sure he had not missed a spot. He put down the razor and turned on the water tap. ''I'm really not comfortable talking about this.'' 

’’You wanted it’’, said Sirius out of nowhere, and there was suddenly a provocative, almost mocking tone in his voice that Remus did _not_ appreciate.

’’Shut the fuck up, Sirius’’, said Remus tiredly. ’’Drop it.’’

’’So what now?’’ said Sirius. ’’We’re just gonna be those friends that get drunk and make out and do stuff and then hide behind the fact that there was alcohol involved?’’

’’No’’, said Remus and rinsed his face with water. ’’Because it’s not going to happen again.’’

Sirius,  _that piece of shit_ , dared to step closer.

’’We didn’t think it would this time, either’’, he said.

’’So next time I drink’’, said Remus, reached for a towel, and dried his face. ’’I’ll make sure to stay as far away from you as possible. Are we done?’’

’’It happened’’, said Sirius, almost aggressively. ’’It was not my intention, but it happened. And I can’t stand things turning the way they did last time.’’

’’Then don’t act weird about it’’, said Remus and put down the towel. ’’It was late, we were drunk, we were horny.’’

’’And you don’t think that’s weird?’’ said Sirius.

’’No. Alcohol does that.’’

’’Doesn’t mean you hump your best friends.’’

’’Sirius!’’ Remus looked up at him. He felt nothing but frustration. ’’What do you want from me? What do you want me to say? You’re a handsome guy, I had like, twenty shots, and that was only after James’ breakdown.’’

’’You like blokes’’, Sirius noted.

’’You’re unreasonable’’, Remus snarled.

’’How?’’ said Sirius.

’’We were both obviously turned on and then you accuse _me_ of being gay.’’

’’Not an accusation, Rem.’’

’’Don’t call me that.’’

’’Rem?’’

’’No. Not when I’m mad at you.’’ Remus put down his hands on the sink, closed his eyes and leaned forward. ’’This is a nightmare. Last time, I needed to talk, and you ignored me for a week. You don’t get to come here and decide that now that it suits you, we’re going to be all communicative. You don’t get to tease me and jump to your own conclusions just because I don’t want to talk about it.’’ Sirius actually backed one step and Remus forced himself to look up. ’’Oh, don’t look so hurt.’’ 

’’I’m not’’, said Sirius coldly.

Moments of silence passed and Remus wish he could erase the whole scene that had just taken place and go back. 

’’I’m sorry’’, said Sirius quietly.

’’It’s fine’’, Remus mumbled. ’’Will you leave me alone?’’

’’No.’’

’’I have to shower. Lily is waiting.’’

’’No.’’ Sirius took a shivering breath. ’’Tell me it’ll be okay.’’

’’What?’’ Remus turned to him. Sirius was pale.

’’Tell me I won’t lose you. I just need reassurance.’’

Remus ran his hand through his hair, feeling a cold hand of guilt and protectiveness around his heart.

’’Of course you won’t’’, he said quietly. ’’Not ever.’’ Sirius nodded, but he did not look fully convinced. Remus was desperate to light up the tension, and added: ’’Can I hug you, or does that make me gay?’’

Sirius wheezed. ’’Hugging me doesn’t make you gay. You said I was handsome, though.’’

’’What, I need a special gay vision and a certificate before I can tell?’’

’’No. But you used it as an excuse for… you know, what happened.’’

’’Not an excuse’’, said Remus. ’’But you know, when I’m drunk, ugly people become pretty and pretty people become even prettier.’’

’’So you just couldn’t keep your hands off, could you?’’ Remus sighed. ’’Kidding. Sorry I attacked you before. Can I still get that hug?’’

’’Git’’, Remus muttered before smiling and pulling Sirius in to a hug. Sirius held him hard and just for a second, memories of how their mouths and bodies had moved together came back. Remus felt guilty and let go.

’’Hey –’’ said Sirius who had spotted something. He gently touched Remus’ neck with his thumb. ’’Is that –’’

Remus threw a look in the mirror. ’’Your work, yes.’’

’’Wow’’, said Sirius with his eyes locked on the hickey. ’’I marked you.’’

’’You did indeed.’’

’’Well, there's a spell if you want to get rid of it. I’ll let you get back to whatever you were doing. Have fun with Lily.’’

He smiled and left. The second the door closed behind him, Remus sunk down to the floor, leaning towards the wall, suffocating the impulse to call Sirius, ask him to come back, and hug him – or even just ask him to sit here, next to Remus on the floor.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So glad you liked the last chapter! Please make sure to leave your thoughts on this one :* Sorry it took a little longer than usual - hope you consider it worth it!


	14. Oh, I get it now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius has some things he needs to get off his chest. Luckily, his best friend is always there to listen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning due to mentioning self harm.
> 
> Thanks for your comments on the last chapter - your love is what keeps me going!

_**March 1976** _

_**(Sirius)** _

 

Life was always either too boring or too complicated.

After his talk with Remus, Sirius sat down on his bed. He tried to process everything, but he could not make sense of his thoughts, nor his feelings. A couple of minutes later, Remus came out of the bathroom and headed straight to the door with a barely audible  _’bye’._

Sirius had to fight the urge to tell Remus to ditch Lily and stay here and talk to him about whatever just to keep Sirius’ mind quiet and his nerves calm. But Remus left and the door shut behind him and just the sound indicating that Remus had left caused a bolt of anxiety in Sirius’ stomach.

_Ughhhhhh._

Strangely enough, after their talk, he was no longer feeling guilty about what had happened. Gay or not, Remus had enjoyed himself just as much as Sirius had. There had been intense snogging, and touching, it had been _supposed_ to be enjoyed and Remus must have been aware. 

But still, something made it impossible to let go.  

He took his eyes from the door and noticed that James was looking right at him.

’’You okay there, mate?’’

’’Yeah.’’ Sirius looked away. 

’’Need to talk?’’

’’I'm fine.’’ He looked away and the paper bunch on James’ drawer caught his eyes. ’’What is that, by the way?’’

’’Oh…’’ James looked at it. ’’Just something that mum sent me. She didn’t have the actual book, so…’’

’’Have you finished it?’’

’’Mhm.’’

’’May I?’’ Sirius stood up and grabbed the papers. ’’I wanna know how it ends.’’

James stared at him for a couple of seconds. ’’I’m not sure you should read that.’’

’’Why?’’ said Sirius. ’’Will I get nightmares? That would be awful, wouldn’t it?’’  

’’No, no, I just…’’ James shook his head, ignoring Sirius’ comment. ’’You’re already halfway, aren’t you?’’

’’Yes.’’

James sighed and shrugged despondently. ’’Finish it, then.’’

’’Okay…’’ said Sirius slowly and raised an eyebrow, but James had looked away. A few seconds of silence passed before Peter changed the subject:

’’Lads’’, he said from the corner. ’’What’s up with Moony?’’

’’I don’t know’’, said James. ’’Ask Padfoot.’’

Sirius snapped. ’’That was unnecessary.’’

’’Did you two fight again, Padfoot?’’ asked Peter anxiously.

’’We didn’t fight, and especially not _again_ since we’ve not been fighting at all’’, said Sirius.

’’Then why are you so sensitive as soon as his name is mentioned?’’

Sirius groaned and turned around. ’’I’m not, Peter, fuck off.’’

’’Now _that_ was unnecessary _and_ rude’’, said James. Sirius ignored him while pretending to look for something in the drawer under his nightstand, and moments of silence passed.

Suddenly, he heard steps behind him and he turned around. James had his hands in his pockets and a worried look on his face that was present far too often by now. ’’What can we do, Padfoot? I know you're not feeling well. We don't have to talk about it. Just tell me what you need.'' 

Oh, Merlin. Sirius did _not_ deserve to have a James in his life.

He swallowed. ’’Maybe some air would be nice’’, he mumbled. ’’I need a cigarette.’’

James smiled, looking relieved that Sirius had not responded by yelling or even snubbing.

’’Let’s go, then. Wormtail, are you coming?’’

’’I would, but I have five years of schoolwork to catch up on in a couple of weeks’’, he said with a gesture towards the giant pile of books on his nightstand and the mess of papers on his bed. Sirius felt a bolt of guilt. He grabbed his jacket, walked over to Peter, sat down and hugged his friend. ’’You're doing great. Keep it up.’’

Peter smiled nervously. ''Th-thanks.'' 

James had already put on his jacket, and they left the dorm room and headed outside.

’’You were nice to Peter’’, said James. ’’You’re never nice to Peter.’’

’’I’m nice to Peter’’, said Sirius.

’’You should be. He thinks you hate him.’’

They walked a bit in silence until they reached the empty quidditch pitch.

’’Are we allowed to be here now?’’ said Sirius.

’’No’’, said James.

They took the stairs to the top of the spectator stands and sat down on one of the benches. Sirius pulled up a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and handed it to James who stared at it for a couple of seconds.

’’Fine’’, he said. ’’But this is my last one.’’

’’Of course.’’ Sirius smiled, knowing that it would probably _not_ be.

’’Have you ever heard of a successful quidditch player who smoked?’’ said James and pulled a cigarette out of the pack. ’’They don’t exist.’’

’’So you can still smoke, then.’’ James gave him a lovingly slap on the shoulder. ’’Kidding, Prongs.’’ He pulled out his wand and lit the cigarettes. They smoked in silence, but Sirius was happy that James was there to share the silence with him.

On some level, James probably knew that Sirius was about to tell him something, and that was why he did not ask any questions. This gave Sirius the chance to calm down and think it through – but he soon realized that the more he thought about it, the more he planned it, the worse it sounded in his head, and if he did not get it out there now, it would never happen. And it needed to happen, he wanted it to happen, because as long as he was lying to James, he might as well be lying to himself.

’’James’’, he said, still with eyes locked on the cigarette in his hand. ’’James, I need to tell you something.’’

’’Shoot’’, said James, and Sirius just said it:

’’I’m gay.’’

James breathed out the smoke. ’’I know, mate.’’ Sirius looked up. James met his eyes. He was smiling.

’’You _know?’’_ said Sirius.

’’Well, I didn’t _know-know_ , but I _knew,_ you know.’’ He paused. ’’It’s Moony, isn’t it?’’

’’What about him?’’

’’You fancy him.’’

’’What?’’ Sirius waited for his lips to produce the word _’no’,_ that he had planned would come after the _’what’_ , but they failed him. Instead he sighed and looked away again. ’’I don’t even know anymore. I guess I’m attracted to him. I mean, when we kissed, it felt good. It was hot. But what gay guy _wouldn’t_ think so if they were kissing him? Or straight girl, for that matter.’’

’’Really?’’ said James slowly. ’’Moony?’’

’’Well, _have you seen him?’’_ Sirius groaned when he heard what he sounded like. ’’It’s all complicated. And it doesn’t matter, anyway. I would never touch him again.’’

’’Why not?’’

’’Well, he said it wouldn't happen again, and he's straight.’’

’’How do you know?’’

’’Did you see how he was staring at Dorcas’ cleavage the other day? He was worse than you.’’

’’I would defend myself, but that bird has something extra.’’ 

’’And it doesn’t matter, anyway, because he’s my friend and… we’re so close. I couldn’t live with myself if I lost him.’’

’’Right’’, said James. ’’I mean, I know how much you care about him.''

’’Exactly!’’ said Sirius.

’’He means the world to you.’’

’’He does.’’

’’He always manages to calm you down.’’

’’Yeah.’’

’’You’d die for him.’’

’’Without blinking an eye.’’

’’Listen to yourself'', said James. ''You _love_ him, git.’’

Sirius realized that he had walked straight in to the trap. ’’Sod off, Potter’’, he muttered. ’’See, this is my point exactly. I love him as a friend, but he’s also… really fucking hot and I can’t stop thinking about… everything that’s happened.’’

’’But it hasn’t even been twenty four hours.’’

’’No, you don’t get –’’ Sirius sighed. ’’We kissed before.’’

’’Oh, really?’’ said James, but Sirius noted that he did not sound particularly surprised, and wondered if he had found out in another way.

’’It was a month ago. And we were drunk.’’

James thought about it. ’’Oh, so _that_ explains your last fight.’’

’’It wasn’t a fight’’, said Sirius. ’’Just me being a prat because I was fucking terrified.’’ 

’’Who intitiated it? The kiss, I mean.’’

’’I don’t know for sure, really.’’

’’And what about yesterday?’’ said James. Sirius thought about it.

’’Depends on what you see as _initiating_ ’’, he said. ’’I think it was him, but… I wanted it, God, I wanted it.’’ James raised an eyebrow and Sirius added: ’’Well, can you blame me! He’s bloody gorgeous!’’

’’Okay’’, said James slowly. ’’Okay, let’s try and make sense out of this.’’

’’Yes please’’, Sirius pleaded.

’’Have you ever done anything... you know, sexual, with another guy?’’

’’No.’’

’’Then maybe you’ve just done it wrong your entire life. This is what it’s supposed to be like for you.’’

 _’Nerve-wracking and messy and wonderfully awful?’_ Sirius thought.

’’If you just find him attractive, and you two made out, but except from that you only like him as a friend’’, James continued. ’’Then there’s not a problem, really. I mean, I think McKinnon is attractive. I’d get hard for her. Especially if I were drunk. It doesn’t mean I’d date her. Just get out there and get some gay experience with someone who’s _not_ your friend.’’

 _’But I don’t want anyone else_ ’, Sirius thought and thanked God he heard what it sounded like in his head _before_ he said it out loud for once.

’’Although’’, James added. ’’You might want to think about whether you’re really telling yourself the truth.’’ He threw his cigarette. ’’I see the way you look at him.’’

’’How?’’

’’The same way you look in the mirror.’’

’’Fuck you.’’

’’I’m joking, mate _._ ’’ James smirked. ’’I always saw there was something special with you two, like you had some weird connection or something. I don’t know, you were just always able to comfort each other in ways that I never figured out. When we found out what our animagi forms were, I assumed that it was all some higher level of magic soulmate-shit.’’

’’What?’’

’’That you subconciously could communicate in some canine-language-way. But then you had that fight-or-not-fight-whatever and I opened my eyes and I started noticing things. I hear what you’re saying, but I have to ask, is it really just physical? I know that you care about him as a friend too, but is it really just that?’’

’’I don’t know’’, said Sirius, honestly and also miserably. 

’’Okay’’, said James patiently. ’’Well, how do you feel about him? How do you know you’re attracted to him?’’

’’I just always want to be close to him.’’

’’To touch him, and shit?’’

’’Not necessarily’’, said Sirius. ’’I’d be happy just sitting next to him.’’

James gave him a meaningful look.

’’And did it start after you kissed him or before?’’

’’I… I don’t know’’, said Sirius who was getting nervous. ’’What can I say, he’s special to me, I like being with him, I’ve always liked being with him. I might not think about _us_ like I did before, but I'll always look at  _him_ the same way. I just never had anything to think about… it was always so out of reach, but now I know… what it would feel like, what it _felt_ like.’’

’’God, Sirius, what have you done? You’re falling for him!’’

’’Fine’’, said Sirius angrily. ’’What if I am? What if I like him?’’

’’Then you’re in some serious shit or possibly the best shit of your life.’’

They sat in silence and smoked three more cigarettes each.

’’I don’t know what to say’’, said Sirius finally, when it was pitch black and probably way after curfew. ’’I’m just really relieved you didn’t take it bad.’’

’’Am I the first one you come out to?’’

’’I wish.’’ Sirius swallowed. ’’I… talked to Regulus a couple of years ago. Three, maybe. We were at a family dinner - they discussed my uncle and whether he was gay or not, saying _awful_ things about him and gay people in general. Andromeda made a speech on how it was not up to them to speculate and how gay people were normal people who should be treated the same. Then she went on about how _she_ had been with loads of girls before she met Ted. Things got out of control. I ran upstairs with Regulus. He had fallen for it all and was just mad at Andy for making a scene, but I talked to him about it and he really seemed to listen.’’ He threw cigarette number four. ’’I still remember it so clearly. I said _’there’s nothing wrong with liking blokes. I think about them all the time. I think I might be gay, too’._ I thought he would forget it, but he never did.’’

’’Oh.’’ James thought about it. ’’ _Oh, I get it now.’’_

’’Get what?’’

’’What Regulus said that day when you two fought. I’ve been thinking about it ever since. He said that we didn’t really know you, that we were gonna leave you once we found out who you really were. This was it, wasn't it.’’

’’Yes'', said Sirius. ''Did you believe him?’’

’’Of course not. But I was worried about you hiding something serious.’’

’’And this isn’t?’’

’’Not enough to make me want to stop being your friend.’’

’’And it doesn’t make you uncomfortable?’’

’’No, Sirius, of course not.’’

’’What about that time when I kissed you in the common room?’’

James laughed at the memory. ’’Ah, that was fun. I’ll never forget the look on Evans’ face.’’

Sirius looked at him, and he wondered what he had been so anxious about. Of course James was on his side, he was always on his side, and if he had not proved that point a hundred times before this, he most certainly had now. ’’Prongs?’’

’’Mm?’’

’’I’m sorry about everything. I haven’t been the best of friends lately.’’

’’That’s the point of best friends’’, said James. ’’They don’t always have to be the best of friends.’’

Sirius smiled. ’’Thank you.’’

’’Love you, mate.’’

’’Love you too, Prongs.’’

’’Let’s go back before the content of my bladder has turned to ice.’’

’’That was disturbing.’’

’’I know. Come on.’’

They walked back talking like they always did, about things that did not really matter. Sirius made a promise to himself to _never_ take his friend for granted. James was on his side, he reminded himself, and there were _not_ many things that could possibly makes Sirius leave his.

But as soon as they were back to the dorm room, where James got in the shower and Peter was already sleeping, Sirius was left in the silence again and things got a bit too overwhelming. He sat down on his bed and suddenly felt every ounce of energy escape his body.

He thought about Remus. Then the door opened and the actual Remus stepped in.

’’Oh, hi.''

’’Hi’’, said Sirius. ’’How’s Lily?’’

’’She’s good. Don’t tell James, though.’’

Sirius swallowed his laughter. ’’Right.’’

Remus took off his jacket. ’’Well, I’m going to bed. Goodnight.’’

’’G’night.’’

Twenty minutes later, the room was dark and quiet, but Sirius was wide awake.

He thought about the boy that was only metres away from him, and how much he would give to be only a couple of metres closer. He thought about how absurd it was that a couple of weeks ago, he would not even hesitate to walk over and ask for some company, but now, Remus might as well have been in another universe.

 _’Is this how things are going to be from now on?’_ Sirius thought miserably, and he regretted talking to James about it, because fooling himself that it was nothing would be so much more difficult when he could not fool James. After their conversation, he was still confused, and the only word he could find for his feelings was _want._ He wanted Remus, he wanted to see him, to talk to him, he _missed_ him even though they were in the same room.

He spent hours going through all of the conversations they had throughout the years, looking for signs for _anything_ that could help him understand where it had all started, where it went wrong. 

Remus had made an awful joke. It had been the first day of first year, but Sirius and James – who were already inseparable – had looked at each other with faces that meant _’Him. We want that one. We’ll keep him.’_

Not once did they regret that moment.

Remus had been the first one to see Sirius’ scars. It had not been on purpose – James and Peter had constantly asked him why he did not want to go to the lake with the others when the weather was getting warmer, but Sirius had refused to give an explanation. But he was not the only one who rather stayed inside – he spent all those afternoons with Remus in the common room. Neither of them asked the other why they chose to stay. It did not come up until Remus accidentally walked in on Sirius getting dressed and Sirius started yelling incomprehensibly while hiding under his cover. Remus had stayed calm as he sat down on the bedside. _’I can help you’,_ he said. _’I know a few charms. Not all of them work on me, but they work on most wounds.’_ After some convincing, Sirius had stood up with his chest and back visible. With a warm and steady hand on Sirius’ shoulder, Remus had mumbled a few words. _’I’m sorry this is happening to you’,_ he whispered when the skin was healed. _’You deserve so much better than this, you really do.’_

Sirius never told him who had caused the wounds and scars. Remus never had to ask. 

Remus had been the first one to see Sirius cry. It was third year and Sirius had not gotten so much as a card from his parents. When James asked about it, Sirius had shrugged. But as soon as James and Peter had left, Remus approached him carefully and put his arms around him. A big and risky move for two thirteen-year-old boys, but Sirius had melted inside and the tears just started falling. Remus had not said anything – instead he had just kept holding him. 

It had not been the last time he saw Sirius cry. 

Remus had walked in to the bathroom that day and ripped the knife out of his hands. It was fourth year, and although Sirius had by then witnessed several panic attacks, he had never seen Remus lose control like this. He had been crying and begging and made Sirius promise to never do it again.

Sirius had promised. And Sirius had kept his promise.

What was there to say? Sirius had done the same for him. The wave of protectiveness hit him every time Remus as much as cut his finger on a paper, but Remus was the kind of person that needed people to care, even though he would never admit it. Even if he did not know it himself, he needed someone to tell him that he was amazing and perfect and _enough._ The boy was a walking fucking tragedy. He needed the others. And Sirius needed him. Oh, fuck – he needed him, he missed him, he wanted him, he loved him.  

When the sun rose the next morning, Sirius had still not fallen asleep.  

 


	15. Am I wrong?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James always thinks he's right. Unfortunately, there's a reason for that.

_**March 1976** _

_**(Remus)** _

 

’’Prongs,’’ Remus groaned when he found himself alone with James, an early morning in the Great Hall. ’’Sirius found the story.’’

’’I know,’’ said James. ’’I’m so, so, sorry, I never thought he would read voluntarily or even pick it up –’’

’’It’s not your fault,’’ Remus mumbled. ’’What do we do? We can’t let him read it!’’

’’I told him to stop,’’ said James, ’’but he asked why, and I couldn’t really give him the answer, could I? He was already halfway through. I figured it would only make it worse if I told him it was you or said he couldn’t read it.’’ He tilted his head. ’’Why are you so upset, anyway? You said it had nothing to do with him.’’

’’Oh, sod off,’’ Remus snubbed without knowing exactly why. ’’Finish your breakfast.’’ 

Three days had passed since James’ birthday, but it might as well have been an eternity. It had been surprisingly painfree – being busy with classes, the Marauders barely had time to talk to each other, and if they did, James and Peter were always present, ready to jump in and stop any uncomfortable situation.

Remus’ thoughts, however, wandered wildly.

Even though nothing had actually changed in their friendship, or at least in how they acted towards one another, Sirius felt further away than ever. Still, maybe it had always been like this, with the last couple of weeks being the exception. Crawling in to each other’s beds at night – was it only a ’build up’ for what was going to happen, or had they just grown closer as friends until they fucked it all up for some alcohol? Maybe Sirius had planned it all along. Maybe Sirius had set his mind on Remus because he somehow _knew_ that Remus would not reject him. And he must have known that Remus would not tell anyone.

’’What were you doing up, by the way?’’ said James and downed the last drops of coffee.

’’I have class,’’ said Remus.

’’No, you don’t,’’ said a third voice. Lily plunked down next to the two boys. ’’McGonagall just told me. Professor Vector is ill.’’

’’Great,’’ said Remus. ’’I went up early for nothing.’’

’’Me too. Gonna go for a run, I think. It’s actually sunny.’’

’’It’s an illusion,’’ said James. ’’It’s freezing.’’

’’I’ll make sure to run fast, then,’’ said Lily.

’’Good luck,’’ said Remus. Lily smiled at him and disappeared.

’’I need to go, too,’’ said James and put down his cup. ’’You going back?’’

’’I guess so.’’

’’Uh oh.’’

’’No, I’ll be fine.’’

’’Not what I meant.’’

’’What…?’’

’’Good morning,’’ said a hoarse voice, and Remus picked up the familiar scent before he saw him. Sirius sat down next to James.

’’Hi,’’ said James. ’’Where’s Wormtail?’’

’’Oh, he doesn’t have class for a while,’’ said Sirius and reached for an apple.

’’Neither do you,’’ James noted.

’’Couldn’t sleep.’’ Sirius took a bite. Remus threw a glance at him. Sirius was undeniably sleep deprived, even though he was acting normal – the fair skin was even paler than normal, and dark circles had appeared under empty eyes.

James looked at Remus as if he was waiting for Remus to give him permission to leave. Remus gave him a discreet nod.

’’I’m sorry,’’ said James and stood up. ’’I have practice.’’

Sirius looked terrified for a second, but then immediately hid it under a smile.

’’Good luck.’’

’’Thanks. I’ll see you later.’’

James left with a guilty look on his face. Remus kept his eyes locked on the silver plate filled with toast in front of him, scared to even acknowledge Sirius’ presence. It was the first time they had been alone since that day in the bathroom.

Sirius took his time to chew his apple before swallowing and opening his mouth:

’’Got Arithmancy first period, don’t you?’’

’’Not today. Professor Vector is ill.’’

’’Oh.’’

’’Yeah.’’

’’I… hope she’ll feel better soon.’’

’’Me too.’’

Remus poured up some more coffee in his cup, desperate for something to do. He did not feel like talking to Sirius, but sitting there just staring felt like an even worse idea. He could feel Sirius gaze on him and tried to calm his pulse down. Scared to look up at him, he kept his eyes locked on his cup and hoped that Sirius would accept the awkward mood.

’’I talked to Regulus,’’ Sirius suddenly said. Remus ignored his plans and looked up at him.

’’What? When?’’

’’Couple of days ago.’’

Remus wanted to ask why Sirius had waited until now to tell him, but he decided to shut up when he realized that he had not really asked nor given Sirius the opportunity to tell him.

’’And?’’

’’I used the map to make sure I could catch him alone. Found him in a corridor at night. He seemed kind of confused because I didn’t wanna fight.’’ Sirius swallowed. ’’I said I’m sorry I’ve taken so long. We talked through things and realized that we were both feeling worse about what we had done ourselves than we were mad at the other one. He wanted to start over. I said I wanted to, too, but I knew it wouldn’t be easy.’’

He went silent, but Remus knew that he was not done, so he stayed quiet and let Sirius gather his thoughts before he opened his mouth again.

’’I suggested we’d just hang out some time. It was good that we cleared the air.’’ He reached across the table and took a sip out of Remus’ cup. ’’And I told him I loved him.’’

’’That’s good.’’

’’Why is that good?’’

’’Because you do.’’

Sirius looked at him and shrugged. ’’Yeah. I guess.’’ He observed Remus for a couple of seconds before taking another sip from Remus’ cup.

’’You know there’s enough coffee for you, too, right?’’ said Remus.

’’I know,’’ said Sirius, unaffected by the clear tone of sarcasm in Remus’ voice. He took another bite of his apple. ’’You alright?’’

’’Just fine.’’

Sirius suddenly seemed to remember that most of the time nowadays, they were barely speaking to each other, and turned his face to the right with a slightly uncomfortable look. He did not see the blonde girl who sneaked up to the table and sat down to his left.

Sirius jumped a little and looked at the girl. His forehead wrinkled and Remus could tell that he was trying to do some quick math in order to figure out who she was.

’’Sirius!’’

’’Uhm…’’

’’Miranda,’’ she reminded him. ’’Skipped that part last time, didn’t we?’’

’’Oh,’’ he said. ’’Hi.’’

Remus decided not to save Sirius from the awkward situation, and pretended to focus on the headlines on the front page of the newspaper next to him.

Miranda was quiet.

’’Uhm,’’ said Sirius again. ’’What’s up?’’

’’Not much,’’ said Miranda. ’’I’ve been waiting for you to talk to me again, but I guess you were shy or something, so I decided to come to you first.’’

Remus picked up the newspaper and unfolded it in order to hide the smile that had curled his lips.

’’Right,’’ said Sirius. ’’Yeah, you’re right… I’m really shy.’’

Remus covered his laughter in a cough and felt Sirius gently kick his leg under the table.

’’Right,’’ said Miranda. ’’So are you gonna ask me out or what?’’

Sirius was quiet for a couple of seconds. ’’Uhm… see, Miranda, I kind of have a girlfriend. That’s why I haven’t asked you out. Don’t tell anyone, though. We’d like to keep it a secret.’’

’’Oh.’’ Remus did not have to look up over the newspaper to picture the girl’s face in front of him. ’’O-oh. Okay. I… I’m… Bye.’’

She left. Remus kept the newspaper in front of his face.

’’Now she’s feeling bad,’’ he said.

’’So? She was making a fool out of herself. _’So are you gonna ask me out or what?’_ Who says that?’’

Remus lowered the newspaper and watched the girl who had curled up by her friends at the Hufflepuff table. ’’She’s pretty.’’

’’I guess.’’

’’Why didn’t you want to go out with her?’’

’’She annoyed me.’’ He shrugged. The conversation was over.

Remus was not sure why, but he was annoyed, too. He wanted to talk to Sirius about it, but he knew he couldn’t. Instead he forced the thoughts to go away. Something was weird about how he felt about Sirius, yes. Maybe he had some overprotective urges. And maybe the love interest in his novel, Caleb, had some similar traits. Maybe that was why Remus was so confused. He had mixed up his book-self with his real-self.

Remus knew that was not the truth. It had begun long before the novel. But Remus was _not_ going to act on it.

They had the rest of their breakfast in silence. And then Remus and Sirius did not talk for the entire day, again.

The next time they met was in after dinner the same evening. By then, Remus had made some decisions. He stepped into the dorm room to find Sirius reading on his bed. James was playing with the snitch on the floor. Peter watched him while eating his sandwich.

’’Hi,’’ said Remus. ’’Listen, I’ve been thinking, and I think I’m gonna ask Macdonald out.’’

Two heads turned. Sirius’ didn’t.

’’What?’’ said James quickly. ’’Why?’’

’’Well, because I want to,’’ said Remus. ’’She’s nice, and she’s pretty, and she always seems happy to talk to me.’’

’’B-but,’’ James stuttered. His eyes flew to Sirius and then back again. He thought Remus didn’t notice. ’’But what about all the things you’ve been going on about for years? About your lychantrophy and how it would be complicated and…’’

’’What about the things _you’ve_ been going on about for years then?’’ said Remus, somewhat hurt. ’’About how it wouldn’t matter if I really liked someone and they liked me too?’’

’’Yes,’’ said James who seemed miserably confused. ’’Y-yes, but, I…’’ His eyes flew to Sirius again, but the boy’s face was hidden behind the bunch of papers. ’’I – no.’’

’’You think I shouldn’t ask her out?’’

’’N-no. I don’t. She’s not… she’s not good enough for you.’’

_’’Good enough?’’_

’’You can do better, that’s all I’m saying.’’ James shrugged. ’’You do what you want.’’

He looked away from Remus and tried to find the snitch that had disappeared during the few seconds that James’ attention had been directed at Remus. Remus watched him and wondered if James would ever make sense to him. He turned to Sirius.

’’What are you reading?’’ he asked, even though he knew.

’’This story, borrowed it from Prongs,’’ said Sirius without looking up.

’’What’s it about?’’

’’It’s about this boy, from his friend’s point of view. Not much has happened yet, but I’m really enjoying it.’’ He sat up and put the papers down at the table next to his bed. ’’Taking a shower.’’

’’And I need to go again,’’ said Remus, who just remembered. ’’Prefect duties.’’

Relieved that he had found an excuse to leave the room, he left his things on his bed and walked out. Only a couple of seconds later, he heard the door behind him and turned around.

He looked at James. ’’What?’’

’’We need to talk,’’ said James. ’’Sit.’’

’’Here?’’

’’Yes, here.’’

Remus obeyed and sat down on the staircase. James sat down next to him.

’’Don’t ask Mary out,’’ he said. Remus raised an eyebrow.

’’What?’’

’’Don’t ask her out,’’ James repeated.

’’Why don’t you want me to ask her out?’’

’’Because I know that you don’t really want to ask her out.’’

’’Of course I do. You know I gave it a lot of thought.’’

’’Maybe you think you do, but you’re really just upset about the whole thing with Sirius.’’

Remus sighed and made an attempt to stand up, but James gripped his wrist and pulled him back down.

’’Stop telling people how they feel, James,’’ said Remus. ’’It’s annoying and you’re always wrong.’’

’’Well, am I wrong?’’

’’Yes.’’

_’’Am I really?’’_

_’’Yes!_ God, Potter, why do you always need to step on my last nerve? Leave me alone.’’

He tried to stand up again, and this time, James did not stop him.

’’You’re not gonna ask her out,’’ he said instead, strangely unbothered by Remus’ somewhat harsh comment.

’’And how do _you_ know?’’ said Remus angrily.

’’You won’t. I just know.’’

James stood up too and was out of sight before Remus had the time to blink.

And, more frustrated than ever, Remus once again had to realize that James Potter was always right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience. I've been distracted lately. I fell in love. It happens. 
> 
> I really want to start updating regularly again though, so please leave a comment if you're still around. I really appreciate it <3 
> 
> (This chapter is rather actionless... you can look at it as the calm before the storm ;) )


	16. Will you look at that?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Peter's relief, a few issues are finally brought to the surface. But these are not the only ones that need clearing up.

A week passed. Not that it mattered.

Sirius had given up. He was done, and he was tired, and he was exhausted, and he wanted it all to be over. He had given up, although he was not sure exactly _what_ he had given up. Concerning Remus, it was not as if he had another choice besides moving on and forget about things – or at least try. Basically, he had given up on trying to figure everything out. He had given up on trying to make things better. Things were the way they were, and at the moment, they were simply horrible.

‘’Still reading?’’ said James when he stepped in to the dorm room after his last class.

‘’I’m a slow reader,’’ said Sirius. ‘’But I’m almost done. Luna and Jimmy just had a talk.’’

James threw his quidditch bag over his shoulder and looked as if he was about to say something. Then he shut his mouth.

‘’Enjoy the rest, I guess. I’m off to practice.’’

‘’Where are the others?’’

‘’Oh. Something dramatic was going on.’’ James shook his head and shrugged. Sirius put down the papers. ‘’Nothing huge. Moony tried to explain, but I didn’t really get it. He used some fancy words.’’

‘’What?’’

‘’I don’t know. He and Wormtail were talking. Wormy was crying and stuff. I think Moony’s taking him to McGonagall.’’

‘’Should we worry?’’

‘’No. I think Remus has it under control.’’ James opened the door. ‘’I’ll see you.’’

Sirius was confused, but he decided to let it go until Remus or Peter were there to explain more. Instead, he shifted his focus back to the story.

 

It took him an hour to finish it. It took him ten minutes to process it. And then he was interrupted.

‘’Hi,’’ said Remus, walked over to his bed, and started to look for something in his top drawer. ‘’Have you been here alone all afternoon?’’

‘’Kind of. My last class was before lunch’’ said Sirius and sat up without looking at Remus. ‘’James said something was going on?’’

‘’Well,’’ said Remus. ‘’I helped Peter with studying. He got really upset when it did not go as planned. We talked about it. Turns out he has some issues.’’

‘’We knew that,’’ said Sirius.

‘’What do you mean?’’

‘’You know, as much as I love Peter, he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed.’’

Remus closed the drawer so loudly that Sirius jumped.

‘’He’s not stupid,’’ he said, ‘’he’s dyslexic.’’

Sirius wrinkled his forehead. ‘’He’s what?’’

‘’Dyslexic. That’s what I figured out today. I can’t believe we haven’t noticed until now. I went to McGonagall and she said we should go to Pomfrey, so I took him there, and she made him go through all these tests, and apparently, I guessed right.’’

‘’I don’t even know what that word means.’’

‘’He has dyslexia. Reading disorder. It means he has trouble with reading and writing because all of the words and letters get all messy.’’

‘’I didn’t know that was a thing.’’

‘’It is a thing. I really hope he’ll get help.’’ Remus put his bag on his bed and stuffed it with books.

‘’Yeah.’’ Sirius still had not looked up. His pulse had suddenly skyrocketed and he knew that he would have cared a lot more about Peter and the news about his difficulties if it had not been brought to him at this particular moment. ‘’I finished the book.’’

‘’Which one?’’ said Remus without looking up from the books on his bed, trying to figure out which ones he should prioritize.

_‘’Not my intention.’’_

‘’Oh.’’ Remus swallowed. Sirius kept his eyes locked at him, determined to read his every move. ‘’Was it any good?’’

‘’Well, you would know,’’ said Sirius, ‘’since you wrote it yourself.’’

Remus froze. So did the room. Suddenly there was a disgusting, awkward tension, that Sirius could not bring himself to feel bad for. After weeks of all grey, he felt as if there was a fire inside him, and he was not sure if it was anger, frustration, hope, or all three.

‘’I don’t know what you’re talking about,’’ said Remus lightly, a little too late. 

‘’I think you do,’’ said Sirius. ‘’You wrote this, you wrote every word of this, didn’t you? And you didn’t tell me, because it’s about you and about your life, and these characters are real people. You let James read it because you thought he wouldn’t figure it out, but he did, didn’t he? And that’s why he was all weird when he found out that I started reading it. That’s why you were both weird.’’

‘’You’re mad.’’ Remus shook his head, still avoiding Sirius’ look. ‘’I need to go. I have a late class.’’

He threw the bag over his shoulder and walked out of the room. If it had happened a week earlier, Sirius had probably felt stupid, but he was tired of feeling stupid, and tired of waiting for things to be explained to him. He got up and stumbled over the threshold after Remus.

‘’It’s about all of us,’’ he continued. Remus was walking without throwing so much as a glance at Sirius, but Sirius knew that he was listening and did his best to catch up with him. ‘’Jimmy, that’s James, right? And Rose is Lily? And Caleb, that… that’s me! And it’s from your point of view, it’s all from your point of view, you’re the main character, the one telling the story even if it’s more about Caleb than it is about her. She talks the way you do. I can’t believe I didn’t see it sooner. I _knew_ that something felt familiar about this story, and now that I look back – it all makes sense, there are so many things in here that I just read without seeing that I was _there_ when it actually happened. Like this part, where they talk in the middle of the night, or when they’re in this other town and Caleb flirts with that girl and ends up fucking her in the bathroom.’’

‘’Shut up,’’ Remus sighed, but Sirius had no intention of doing so. ‘’Leave me alone.’’

‘’Not to mention the night where they get drunk and they make out. God, Rem, you really managed to get it down word by word. I’m impressed by your memory!’’

‘’It’s not about you. And I didn’t write it, either. It’s all coincidences. You see what you want to see. And you always want to see everything as being about you.’’

‘’Okay, first of all _, rude,_ but I’ll ignore that. I figured it out, Remus, stop trying to make me believe I’m wrong. _You_ wrote this, and you wrote it because it all meant something to you.’’ Sirius swallowed. ‘’Just like it did for me, right? All this time you’ve been trying to act like there’s nothing going on, because it scared you as much as it scared me, but _I’ve_ been feeling like a total idiot but that wasn’t a problem to you, because at least you didn’t have to worry about your pride.’’

‘’What are you even babbling about?’’

‘’You know exactly what I’m babbling about!’’ Sirius yelled. ‘’And you know I’m right, so stop trying to make _me_ feel stupid because _you_ don’t know what to say! I’m done with this! I’m done with the games and the silence and everything – I’ll tell you the truth, I’ll tell you the whole truth – Luna wasn’t the only one feeling all those things when they kissed, and she’s a fucking _bitch_ for thinking what she is thinking about Caleb – that he’s using her, like it meant nothing to him, because it did, otherwise he wouldn’t have kissed her, otherwise he wouldn’t have been so upset when he thought he had ruined something. He kissed her because I wanted to, not because I was drunk or because I was using you or because I wanted to see that I could…’’

‘’Sirius, you’re not making sense,’’ said Remus and stopped for a second. Sirius finally got the seconds he needed to catch up with Remus. ‘’You’re mixing everything up.’’

‘’I’m not!’’

‘’Are we still talking about the book then, or are we talking about you and me?’’

_‘’It’s the same thing!’’_

‘’You fucking idiot.’’ Remus turned around and stalked away from Sirius. Sirius sighed and ran after him.

‘’It’s a great novel,’’ said Sirius. ‘’Magic, really. The way Luna pictures Caleb, she must really care about him, right?’’

‘’Are you gonna leave me alone?’’

‘’And just the fact that she actually _wrote every single word_ about him... She brings up every little thing that makes him who he is.’’ Sirius sighed. ‘’Stop running away, Remus. You wrote this because you felt it too, you felt it when we kissed, you felt it at James’ birthday, you felt it all of the other times, didn’t you?’’

‘’Fuck off,’’ Remus groaned.

‘’I most certainly will _not,’’_ said Sirius. ‘’What the fuck is the matter with you, Moony? If I mean nothing to you, at least say it to my face. You can’t, can you? You can’t, because you feel about me the way Luna feels about Caleb, and the way Caleb feels about Luna even if she is so fucking blind that she can’t see it. For the last fucking time, stop walking so fast! I won’t leave you alone until you talk to me, and you know I can be a pain in the ass. Maybe I’ve just made a fool out of myself and then I’m just gonna have to live with that, but you’ll have to tell me, and I don’t think you can, because _you like me_ , Remus! You like me as more than a friend, you fancy me, don’t you?’’

Remus scoffed.

 

He was finally side by side with Remus again, but before he had the time to utter another word, Remus threw his bag on the floor and Sirius mentally prepared for the punch.

But instead, Remus pushed Sirius against the wall on their left and pressed his lips against his. And somewhere around that moment, Sirius lost his abilities to stand, think, and breathe.

Without thinking, he pulled Remus closer and buried one of his hands in his hair. After a couple of seconds, Remus made an attempt to pull away, but Sirius grabbed is hand and gently held it to the wall behind him so that Remus came even closer, their chests pressed against each other. Their lips and arms moved in perfect sync, as if they were dancing to music that only they could hear.

‘’M-moony…’’

‘’Yes,’’ said Remus between his breaths. ‘’Yes, I fucking fancy you. Happy now?’’

‘’Happy?’’ said Sirius. ‘’Fucking ecstatic. Kiss me again.’’

And Remus did. Then he pulled away, supporting himself with his arms towards the wall behind Sirius.

‘’What is this?’’ he mumbled.

‘’Feelings,’’ said Sirius.

‘’I don’t know why I did that.’’

‘’I’m glad you did.’’

‘’We’re in the middle of the corridor.’’

‘’Let’s get out of here, then.’’

‘’Where?’’

Sirius smiled and looked to the side.

‘’Will you look at that?’’ he said while staring at the big black doors that had suddenly appeared in the middle of the wall he was leaning towards. ‘’It’s almost as if the castle knew what we needed.’’

‘’What?’’ said Remus, but Sirius had already grabbed his wrist and pulled him in to the room of requirements.


End file.
